I think my little boy is being pushed out :-(

[Diamondhalo]

What the title says really .. my ex moved on a year after we got divorced.. I divorced him because he was literally never at home always working, or said he was working when really he was out with mates and lying to me. I don’t think he cheated or anything but looking back it was obvious he didn’t want to be at home with me , didn’t see it at the time, and we never did anything together in all the years we were a couple apart from the odd weekend away. After our little boy was born he didn’t change then I had enough and we got divorced. He was single for a bit then he met the woman he’s with now and he’s changed so much he literally worships her and does everything for her and they’re always going on holiday and out for dinner and so on.. I’ve got a few mutual friends who tell me this and it’s plastered all over Facebook aswell..
anyway they had two kids very close together in age and since the first one was born my little boy has been left out I feel , they go on holiday a few times a year and sometimes they ask him then sometimes they go just the 4 of them and my ex misses contact and my little boy feels upset that he’s not included
also since the first baby was born his dad reduced contact from 2 nights a week to just 1
and my son always tells me every time he’s there they do activities aimed at the two toddlers which are boring for his age and he is going to lose his bedroom there too because dad’s girlfriend doesn’t think it’s fair her two kids share when my son doesn’t live there .. I don’t think this is fair I think the two toddlers should share and my son keep his space but can I say this to my ex ? Can i confront my ex on any of this ?
I feel like their 2 toddlers are living the family life that my little boy didn’t ever get and it makes me feel awful also I think his girlfriend is having the family life I never got cos he never really wanted it with me this was one of the things he said to me when our marriage ended :-( they will get married next and im already dreading people telling me and seeing it all on Facebook
please everyone tell me what your thoughts are ?
Also what’s peoples thoughts on this why do some men spend years with one woman , then marry them , then either leave or it turns out to be a lie ? Exact Same thing happened to my best friend they had their dream wedding then when it came to talking about having kids he left her and now he is married to a woman who already had kids and has had another with her?
Sorry for long post

I had and still do have an amazing relationship with my dad. You don't have the right to tell another person how they feel about something, it seems like you are projecting. My father is the kindest most loving father I could have asked for. I didn't receive crumbs, I received a beautiful childhood. I'm sorry something so bad has happened to you to need to believe the same thing happened to me.

Well what a fucking surprise. It's basically EOW.

(Or 1% according to the hard of maths)

OP you can keep twisting all this because you're jealous, and trying to pass it off as concern for DS....or you can raise a happy, well balanced child.

He's suffering because you're encouraging him to think this perfectly normal set up is pushing him out. Threatening to stop overnights because he has to share a bedroom just like the child there.

You need to get a grip of this. His dad's taking him out just the two of them for swimming, and you gloss over this and start "but his bed is a pull out!!!" And???

Your jealousy is what's going to ruin this. And you'll tell anyone who'll listen that his stepmum pushed him out. Terrible.

So ExH and DP used to have your son every weekend for majority of the weekend, and then when their own child came they likely realised that was the only time they would get together (as we know, babies sleep a lot!) due to work. Could the extra night not have been changed to a night in the week? When did you used to get quality time with your DS outside of a few hours after school before bed? From those contact days, you would only have had a Friday night/ until Saturday lunchtime maybe or a Sunday afternoon (if that, depending on handover times).

You did use her as a babysitter. How else would she know you wanted a night out or to work overtime unless you told them? Surely you'd have made childcare arrangements before planning either of those things, and could then tell ExH it was unnecessary for DP to have DS even if it was offered? You took advantage of her good nature.

7 year olds can't regulate their emotions very well and see things in a wide range of colours, not black and white. I have a DSS7. In the past, he has told his DM a whole range of things that are so far from the truth, they're laughable. He told her once I had starved him and fed the dogs instead. The truth was we had ran out of the fruit he likes and usually has after dinner, and I'd given the dogs a chew to get them out from under my feet. In her eyes, I'd given the dogs his dinner!! He tells us all the time about how awful his teacher treats him compared the whole class. When asked for examples, he says she sets homework but doesn't tell him when it's to be done by, and then he can't hand it in. When actually, he just wasn't paying attention and didn't write it down like he had been told to or didn't even bring it home!!

The pullout bed is only an issue because you're making it 1. It could be 1 of those day beds that has a pull out bed underneath (which loads of nuclear families, never mind blended families, use to utilise space). Your feelings of entitlement should never be projected on to your DS, and should never be imposed on your ExH and DP.

TheEX and partner used to have the DS 2 nights a week and the OP is supposed to pay for childcare before asking them if they can look after him one night??
The ex clearly does nowhere near half of the work and you are berating the OP because she is upset he used to do more than he did and now does very little?
And the child was too young to be at school. The son presumably saw his dad at weekends because his dad is working during the week.

Some if you have such low standards for dads and want the mums to pish the kids to accept those low standards.

It's actually every weekend, but some he's there for the Saturday and Sunday, and some he's there the Friday night and the Saturday.

And yes, weekends, for a school age child, are plenty of contact... There's no real quality time during the week, just home after school, homework, prep for next day, dinner, bath, bed. Rinse and repeat. Actual quality time with the child is what happens at the weekends. Of which the dad did all for quite some time. He does at least one day every weekend now, and every other weekend it's both.

OP has one Sunday daytime, every other weekend with her son. Of actual quality time. Would I prefer to spend every weekday tea time with my children, or every weekend? Weekend, hands down. It's actually far more time together, and quality time.

Or you think it's better that dad sticks his head in for half an hour on a daily basis, as then he's "seen" him every day. No purpose or quality to that time, but he's seen him. Like OP.

Dad is the one cutting is down though? Used to be two nights now one? Hasn't said they will have an extra night in the week to.make up for it just sorry new family means old family is too much work

A pull out chair bed? So basically one of those foam fold out things? or a proper trundle bed that fits underneath a single bed?

Fwiw I understand where your coming from a permanent bed does say that's your second home whereas a pull out screams occasional guest

You need to read and digest before responding.

OP clearly says her mother or sister(s) would have had DS. No where was it indicated or stated she would be paying for childcare?

There is no 'them'. OP should never have asked or expected ExH DP to look after DS. ExH, fine. But DP? No. If it's offered and no alternative plans are made, and you're not taking advantage of her, fair enough. The issue is it clearly became an expectation for ExH DP to do the childcare, and now OP is upset because she rightly refuses to continue doing this.

From the sounds of it, OP had very little quality time with DS but had majority of the weekend free on the old contact arrangements. So again, it's OK for the mother but not the father? Give your head a wobble.

Eldest half sibling is 2 or 3 from memory. DS is 7. Most kids are in first/ primary school from age 4. So DS certainly would have been at school.

Why do you think OP had little quality time with her DC? The weekend arrangement was when her son was too young for school. You have no idea if OP was working or not or maybe working only weekends.

All of this.

The issue is it clearly became an expectation for ExH DP to do the childcare, and now OP is upset because she rightly refuses to continue doing this. Furthermore, OP is pushing the narrative that her no longer volunteering now, isn't because the DP has two young children of her own to prioritise, or that it's fine because she was doing OP a big favour that she was never entitled to in the first place but how DS must clearly be a nuisance!!

Jesus, the struggle is so real with you.

Eldest half sibling is 2. DS is 7. Maths isn't always my strongest point, but that makes DS 5 when this started. Therefore, he would have been at school full time (possibly even from when he was 4). Just FYI, because I know you're struggling here, OP themselves said it was 2 nights a week and ExH would DROP OFF AT SCHOOL on the Monday if DS stayed the Sunday night.

Weekends are deemed to be quality time for school aged children. The previous arrangement, ExH had DS Friday and Saturday nights (so went to OPs on Sunday) or Saturday and Sunday nights (and then was dropped off at school on Monday). Please, enlighten me as to what quality time that gave mum with DS? None is the answer you're looking for.

My standards may be low as you say, but not low enough to keep trying to get through to someone with the inability to comprehend like you do. Enjoy your evening.

@GlassCaseOfEmotions are you always so insulting to people who do not agree with you?

Yes, when they're making shit up to push their own narrative.

Take care x

I can't imagine not having my school age child every single weekend. But this is what OP was doing, plus expecting extra nights out socialising courtesy of the exH DP!

And now they still have him every Saturday, and every other Sunday too...and she's wanting to threaten stopping this because he has to share a room (just like the other child sharing with him) one night a week? It's just something to aim venom at the DP over, however misguided.

Being honest, if OP had every weekend child free, and now has 2 weekends child free and 2 weekends with Friday night and Saturday free, and she complains at the DP no longer enabling more time to go out, frankly there's no way she's going to stop the weekend overnights.

Until she can stop being so consumed with this faux narrative that this is her "stolen family set up" she won't be able to address anything rationally.

@GlassCaseOfEmotions I really wish I could block you after your nasty insults.

And now they still have him every Saturday, and every other Sunday too...

I guess Dad deserves a gold medal for this then. SMH.

It's more quality time than mum spends with him, so do we give her the silver...

SMH.

... and here's to father of the year for all the so called quality time eh!

What a low bar some women have for fathers. This is why they get away with being useless...they're being enabled.

It's more than the mother.

So how low exactly is your bar for her?

They have three children to consider, it’s not healthy for your DS to be put on a pedestal and prioritised ahead of his younger siblings.

Ask that the bed it made up ready for his arrival and put away after he leaves - he won’t know it’s temporary then.

You’ve since said dad does do stuff with DS, do you expect him to spend no time with his other children when DS is around?

DS is part of a larger family, he needs to get used to it and you need to support him in doing so.

I bought my DS some new pants the other day, DSD asked why she didn’t get any - because you still fit into your current ones, when you grown then I’ll buy you some more. Just like you would with any other siblings.

You can make or break your DS relationship with dad’s side - try to be supportive.

And SM is going to have less time for him because there are now three children to care for, just like any other parent would.

They may have had to drop the Monday morning due to logistics of other children. It’s one of those things. Your son isn’t the only person to consider anymore in their house, only in yours.

Sorry op but i think you are being unreasonable. I think your exes partner has done a fair job helping you out in the past when ex couldn't. She has 2 very young toddlers to look after. Your son is not her responsibility it's his dad.
The pull out bed I don't see the issue. He is only there 1 night a week. They will be limited for space and this is the best option atm. He has already said they will have bunk beds eventually.
I think you need to stop thinking about them and concentrate on what you can give your little boy. He will soon pick up on your resentments and jealousy.

And in the real world children don't get pushed out if your family they make it work for all children honestly I'm juggling two children with additional needs neither are pushed out its about making it work as a family all dad is doing here is making his first feel unwanted or must we all blame mum for everything? Is the child not allowed thoughts of their own?