I think my little boy is being pushed out :-(

[Diamondhalo]

What the title says really .. my ex moved on a year after we got divorced.. I divorced him because he was literally never at home always working, or said he was working when really he was out with mates and lying to me. I don’t think he cheated or anything but looking back it was obvious he didn’t want to be at home with me , didn’t see it at the time, and we never did anything together in all the years we were a couple apart from the odd weekend away. After our little boy was born he didn’t change then I had enough and we got divorced. He was single for a bit then he met the woman he’s with now and he’s changed so much he literally worships her and does everything for her and they’re always going on holiday and out for dinner and so on.. I’ve got a few mutual friends who tell me this and it’s plastered all over Facebook aswell..
anyway they had two kids very close together in age and since the first one was born my little boy has been left out I feel , they go on holiday a few times a year and sometimes they ask him then sometimes they go just the 4 of them and my ex misses contact and my little boy feels upset that he’s not included
also since the first baby was born his dad reduced contact from 2 nights a week to just 1
and my son always tells me every time he’s there they do activities aimed at the two toddlers which are boring for his age and he is going to lose his bedroom there too because dad’s girlfriend doesn’t think it’s fair her two kids share when my son doesn’t live there .. I don’t think this is fair I think the two toddlers should share and my son keep his space but can I say this to my ex ? Can i confront my ex on any of this ?
I feel like their 2 toddlers are living the family life that my little boy didn’t ever get and it makes me feel awful also I think his girlfriend is having the family life I never got cos he never really wanted it with me this was one of the things he said to me when our marriage ended :-( they will get married next and im already dreading people telling me and seeing it all on Facebook
please everyone tell me what your thoughts are ?
Also what’s peoples thoughts on this why do some men spend years with one woman , then marry them , then either leave or it turns out to be a lie ? Exact Same thing happened to my best friend they had their dream wedding then when it came to talking about having kids he left her and now he is married to a woman who already had kids and has had another with her?
Sorry for long post

It seems this is always the way when men go on to have second families. The first family is demoted, like a rewriting of history. It's desperately unfair on first family children who are sidelined to make way for the new family set-up.

Is the 6 nights a week thing actually that the father has the child every weekend?

If the night is Saturday night, and he picks up Saturday morning and drops off not long before bedtime on Sunday, when is the OP spending any weekend time with her son?

It actually sounds like the father may well have the child every single weekend.

Which makes the horror that the other children have clothes or anything else bought for them (by their mother - not their father!) utterly inevitable. There may be no luxurious whole rest of the week where she can buy her children socks.

I mean seriously. This is an OP who is determined to make the child having a pull out bed in a shared room into some story of him being sidelined. Because SHE feels sidelined.

Once again witht he insults. Is there something wrong with you? Why can't you have a reasonable debate with someone? Get a grip.

So the first bit of one on one time this child gets in ages and you think that's all okay now?! The point is still reasonable to round this up to getting no one on one time. You think this makes up for skipping custody to go on holiday and most of the time were he dosen't give him any attention? You genuinley think the problems sorted now.

Also, regarding your last comment, how much time do you think a 7yo child and parent should get while having a good relatonship? 30, 15?

I can not see where OP says the one night a week is at a weekend.

The child was picked up this morning. So the night is a Saturday night.

People who do EOW talk in fortnightly increments. Not ‘6 night a week’.

Or it may be EOW so 2 nights a fortnight together. Which is … pretty standard.

or it might be EOW - sat morning to Sunday evening - plus a night in the alternate week. Again, pretty standard.

This OP is determined to make it sound as bad as possible. But it may not be. The bedroom thing isn’t the nasty pushing out she claimed in her first posts either. Nor is it true that the child never gets any time doing 7 year old things with dad.

I mean he I'm assuming he picks up his kid on 3pm on a Friday. Even If he gives the kid back as late as possible on Saturday, it's still only just over 24 hours a week. The fact he misses contact makes this even worse and that fact it hapened as soon as his kid from his new family arrived makes it worse again.

I'm not even gone bother to respond to the rest and your new reply. The post says this kid is severely struggling with this and other issues with his dad but you choose to wilfull ignores. Yes OP has her issues. To say then that child is fine and that it's all OP is quite manipulative.

You really want to tell a child he is hurting to stop hurting and blame it all on his Mum. Shameful.

Edited to say, Just because his dad his taking him out tommorow dosen't mean is life brimming with one on one time. OP has clearly stated the child constantly complains about how he never has alone time with his Dad and that everythin they do is centered around the toddlers. It's not a boxing ticking exercise, just because he's done it now dosen't mean he dosen't have to do it again for x amount of time. That's just bad parenting.

People are just making up the current and previous contact arrangements to suit themselves

Apparently he stays every Saturday, picked up in the morning, for 42 hours, and it used to be every Friday and Saturday. Without a doubt, most definitely.

Can you point to me were OP say's this. Thanks.

Sometimes in MN we see ridiculous situations where people want to claim a father not doing ‘50-50’ is awful. But, for any children, 50-50 is not desirable at all.

Indeed, research done on adults trying ‘nesting’ where they switch home but the children stay in one place showed very clearly that the adults HATED not having an actual home and always moving, never having stuff in the right place etc.

But apparently a father who makes an arrangement where the children have a main home and consistency through the school week, but get every second weekend with either parent (and maybe dinner with dad in between) is some sort of evil person.

The issue with NRP fathers is when they don’t actually step up and parent in the time the child is with them - where they delegate to the nearest woman. But if they’re actually present and parenting when they have the child, then trying to minimise the disruption for the child is not being a useless father. It may well be quite the opposite.

@excelledyourself I agree people are making up contact arrangements. At 11.32 am today OP said her son was being picked up later. That is the only concrete detail apart from it being overnight.

The OP has been deliberately vague about it, beyond the bleak sounding one night a week.

But, where she has given more information, it turns out that it’s not the evil SM banishing the SC under the stairs and refusing him a bedroom. Nope. It’s that he’ll be sharing with his older half-sibling and the bed will be a pull out to maximise space efficiency.

So, why would we assume that one night a week is a couple of hours rather than a whole weekend?

OP literally said he was picking up his kid later on today. We know roughly the ammount of time he's spending there. It ain't great. Also, I literally said he probably spends just over 24 hours there.

I've said before in this thread I think the kids need to share. My BK and SK share. I think the emotional neglect is a much bigger issue. But it's okay, even though he spends most of his time do want his toddler wants and going on holidays together, there going swimming tommorow!! That makes up for it!

How do you know the emotional
neglect isn’t as exaggerated as the removal of the bedroom claim?

Why is the OP encouraging her child to be upset if he hears his SM telling her toddler ‘I love you’?

The OP also just said ‘when he came earlier’ (not later today). Why assume that earlier wasn’t this morning?

She also said one time it actually went over 2 weekend so he missed two overnights. So it’s pretty obvious that the father has him every weekend. Probably every Saturday night.

Actually reading the mostly self-indulgent complaints from the op about how she lost a free babysitter when her ex’s partner had children (all framed as ‘DS is being pushed out’) in more detail, it does look like it’s a Saturday afternoon pick up. Possibly every Saturday afternoon.

Because OP didn't exagerate? OP said her kid was going to lose her Bedroom. She then went onto to describe him sharing a room. OP's opinion was misguied, but she clearly gave the facts and most people have told her she was wrong.

It's quite malicious to claim OP is encouraging her child to be upset of her exH partner telling the kids. Nowehere seems to indicate that she is doing that. While there are some cases where kid's will have a strop say something like that but that is usually when the kid is being mean and in the trying to deal with his emotions. Most of the time happy and secure kids don't complain about the other kids being told they there loved. This is probably happening because the kid does not feel secure with his fathers love. All the attention is on the new kids so it's perfectly reasonable for the child to be devasted by that.

She said at 11:32 that he was picking up the kid later today. So at best the Afternoon or evening. Make his time with his dad roughly 24 hours aka a Day. You'll probably argue about 27 vs 24 hours and act or something and act like that makes a big diffrence when it really dosen't.

I've never claimed he dosen't have him every weekend and neither does OP...

Edit: Yes there is huge portion of OP complaint's about her ex moving on. There is also a big portion about a child feeling really upset and insecure. Why can't you seperate those two things?

Interesting isn’t it, maybe OP will be back to clarify the contact time

@VinegarTrio OP refers to later at 11.32 am

Sorry everyone
i want to tell you the contact arrangements as a lot of you are wondering
we alternate Fridays/ Saturdays
so one week he sleeps over on a Friday and one weekend he will sleep over on a saturday

so on the Friday my ex picks him up around 5 ish sometimes later and then drops him back off Saturday dinner time
and on the week when he’s sleeping over the Saturday he is picked up at dinner time and dropped off at around 5ish on the Sunday

but it used to be alternate Friday & Saturday night OR Saturday & sunday night …… so on the Sunday night sleep over my ex would take him to school then go to work

when their first son was born my ex very quickly said 2 nights a week was too much and so changed it to one night a week

i don’t know what the girlfriends work pattern is I do know she was full time and worked in education before the first son was born and now Im not sure if she’s full time but I know she does the same job

and please don’t think I ever used her as a ‘baby sitter’ I have my mum who would look after my son if I needed and two sisters who would even though they have their own kids too so it’s not like I need her as my babysitter , I’m just saying she’s gone from making an effort with my son and doing nice things with him and offering ( off her own back ) to look after him when she didn’t need to , to not bothering at all. He used to love her now only says negative things about her

It was 11.28am when OP says he is coming to pick up his son later.

I think you are colouring your son's experience of his df's second family because of your own feelings of hurt. I'm not criticizing as it is not easy

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn

It's incredible how you try and justify this kids dad just because you went through the same. Most kids would be massivley effected by this. You're the outlier.

Infact, I don't think you are the outlier. The vigour that you are reply to these comments insisting that seeing his son 52 times a year (less when they purposely go on holiday when custody is scheduled) and being outcast emotionally infavour of his half-siblings, suggested to me that you are projecting and you are not infact okay with the way that you Dad treated you growing up.

No normal person would defend a borderline deadbeat.

I couldn't agree more.

The alternative is, that she never had a great relationship with her dad, so the bar was so low and any crumbs he threw were eaten up.

It's ridiculous.

I’m just saying she’s gone from making an effort with my son and doing nice things with him and offering ( off her own back ) to look after him when she didn’t need to , to not bothering at all.

Tbh, this is typical with a lot, but not all SMs.

They do a bait and switch.

Act all nice, then once the man is hooked and convinced his new woman likes his kids...and either after marriage or kids, she shows her true colours.

I understand that having their own kids, comes with a degree of stress, but, quite often, there cones resentment and irritation with the stepchild, when they have their own.

The simple truth, with many, is they don't want your child there.

Your Ex was seeing his child 2 days a week, then he says that's too much and drops to one day! He's just continuing more of his uselessness.

He wasn't a good dad to your son when you were with him and he's not changed. Shame on him. He's a substandard dad. That's the plain truth. Your son deserves better than this man as a dad.

@Diamondhalo Does your son have a relationship with his paternal family at all?

He used to love her now only says negative things about her

She can't be arsed with him anymore.

Solely in response to the pull out bed issue, I think it's totally reasonable in a situation where the toddler is likely to be changing out of a cot bed and into a regular bed within the next year or 2, to hold off on buying an entire single bed just to get rid of it again in a couple of years to swap it out for bunk beds.
And yeah, in a house where he spends one night a week, it's daft for a bed to take up space when it's used so infrequently, particularly as it sounds like they don't have a lot of room.

All that being said, one night a week is utterly shit and his dad sounds like a total deadbeat. Step parenting is hard even with the most angelic of kids - until you have your own, you have no idea how it feels to love a child like your own. I used to feel that I loved my DSS as I would my own, until my DD was born. I'm not excusing her behaviour, she should still try and include him in family activities that suit all the children (and this is on DH more than her to be fair) but at the end of the day it's not her responsibility to parent him or treat him the same as her own kids. It's his/their dad's.