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Original poster

Withholding Clothes

84 replies

Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 16:34

Need some ideas please. SD's (9) Mum is withholding her school uniform. She comes to ours on a day that isn't a uniform day and goes from ours to school in full uniform. CMA is paid. We buy a full duplicate uniform so 3 jumpers, 6 shirts, 4 trousers and school shoes, this should be enough to cover any delays if either parent forgets one week. Court Order doesn't allow us to go to each others house so her things should be left at school on drop off day for the other to pick up when they get her. We don't care about them being our clothes as they are all hers and she should be able to wear what she wants to both houses but it leaves us with the problem of running out. What can we do? Mum is HC.

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Original poster
Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 18:35

EauNeu · 27/01/2024 17:24

just to understand - you pick up from school? but she doesn't have her uniform on then?
if she has it on, just get her to leave at yours.

It's sports that day

OP posts:
NerdyBird · 27/01/2024 18:35

I assume child comes to you in pe kit or normal clothes? If it's pe kit will her pe day change at all? Ours changes every year, and occasionally during the year.
If mum simply won't return it then getting SD to bring it is worth a try.

Original poster
Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 18:37

Drapion · 27/01/2024 17:27

Do not take the child to school in her own clothes- that's putting the child centre in a political situation. Image the pain and stress that would cause!

Contact the school, see if a mediation between mom and school can be achieved. Maybe even after school changing clothes or having a uniform at school- but whatever you do don't make the child in pawn in point scoring. They will never forget it!

I completely agree which is why we're asking for ideas. We protect her at all costs from any conflict. Sadly Mum does not.

OP posts:
PaperDoIIs · 27/01/2024 18:37

Some options available to you (some are more confrontational than others) and none will work if mum is not willing to give in at least a little.

  1. Can you have her an extra day/the day before she goes to school in non uniform.

2.Ask her to pack a set of uniform before she goes to school, if her mum will let her.

  1. In agreement and with the cooperation of the school, keep a set of uniform at school. She can bring it home with her on the non uniform day and leave at school at the end of the day Monday. That involves getting changed there.
  1. Depending on how you contact mum message her (preferably your DH) "we realised we have no uniforms left here for DD , should we send her in on Monday in non uniform or can you leave a bag outside the door for me to pick up?"
  1. Talk to the school and just agree on basics for Mondays. So she can wear her trainers , some form of black bottoms(school or even leggings if they'll agree) and white shirt/top and keep a jumper at school at all times. She just takes it off at the end of the day and leaves it there.Mum might not care if DD returns such basics.
  1. Barter for the return of the uniform, if you can increase maintenance for example or if mum needs certain favours regularly.
Original poster
Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 18:38

catagoryA · 27/01/2024 17:33

But she comes to yours in a uniform? Just keep it to wash and send her back to school in a clean one?

She doesn't come in uniform, she comes to us in sports kit as that day is sports.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 27/01/2024 18:39

Could you put labels in the pieces of uniform that you have purchased? Then give the child a bag to put them in when she takes them off for good measure.

catagoryA · 27/01/2024 18:39

Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 18:38

She doesn't come in uniform, she comes to us in sports kit as that day is sports.

Show quote history

send her back in sports kit then?

Or send her to school in uniform, with the instruction to change back into sports kit at home time and leave the uniform at the reception desk for you to collect

Original poster
Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 18:41

Adhdeeedout · 27/01/2024 17:38

Have people read the OP
where it says the child arrived with no uniform?

maybe a gym day so no uniform. Not hard to understand

Thank you. If it was as simple as washing and sending back then I would absolutely be happy to do this, even if it meant stay up until midnight to get the wash done. We try, no matter how much hard work it is, to shut down Mum being like this but in this case I'm not sure what we can do to avoid the conflict.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/01/2024 18:41

I think you need to send her to school in her PE kit and let school know the issue.

If there is anyway to let her Mum in advance that will be happening I would do as it does give her the chance to grow up and send her uniform either into school or let you pick some up.

Drop a note off at school to go in DDs book back?

Just a factual one. We have no uniform for DD due to us always collecting her on PE day. Please let us know when we can come and pick up the 3 sets we purchased for her to last the next 3 weeks or drop them at school. If you aren't able to then DD will have to go to school on X day in her PE kit which she may find upsetting.

Kazplus2 · 27/01/2024 18:44

Then drop her at her mum's in enough time for her to get changed and mum take her to school?

Original poster
Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 18:45

Holidayhell22 · 27/01/2024 18:11

Goodness me this is ridiculous.
I also suggest you tell SD to pack a bag with enough school uniform to last. At 9 she is old enough.

Age doesn't matter - it is what the child can emotionally cope with. Challenging her Mum on small things has been so hard for her and we praise her as much as we can for being brave and saying how she feels but with a Mum like this she will get shut down and punished in most cases.

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Original poster
Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 18:46

redheadsaregreat · 27/01/2024 18:15

But not old enough to be in conflict with her mother which is probably what would happen

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This is absolutely what it comes down to. We cannot ask her to take on her Mum, a child shouldn't have to deal with this level of pettiness which is why we try to protect her from it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 18:48

RandomMess · 27/01/2024 18:41

I think you need to send her to school in her PE kit and let school know the issue.

If there is anyway to let her Mum in advance that will be happening I would do as it does give her the chance to grow up and send her uniform either into school or let you pick some up.

Drop a note off at school to go in DDs book back?

Just a factual one. We have no uniform for DD due to us always collecting her on PE day. Please let us know when we can come and pick up the 3 sets we purchased for her to last the next 3 weeks or drop them at school. If you aren't able to then DD will have to go to school on X day in her PE kit which she may find upsetting.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I think this looks like the only solution sadly. I can't see why it needs to be so hard but for some people I think it comes down to control.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 18:50

catagoryA · 27/01/2024 18:39

send her back in sports kit then?

Or send her to school in uniform, with the instruction to change back into sports kit at home time and leave the uniform at the reception desk for you to collect

Edited
Show quote history

I think this will be the only option. We don't want to ask even more of the school by her getting changed at school, they have been fantastic and getting changed at school is going to single her out. Mum may not care about that but we do.

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 27/01/2024 18:50

I’d just send her back in her pe kit, she won’t stand out that much as I’m sure other kids will be in their kit on the day she goes back. If the school is anything like ours there will be kids in wrong uniform, I’ve accidentally sent mine in wrong uniform/pe kits like other parents have and the school regularly sends messages out last min chopping and changing what kids need to wear.

if the school care they can change her into spare uniform, I’m sure they will have some, our school dose, but they wouldn’t care if a child was in pe kit or uniform as long as it’s one or the other.

Original poster
Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 18:52

canttellyouwhereorwhatido · 27/01/2024 17:51

I think you may have to go back to court sadly ... and get this sorted out. It is not acceptable. Put in a specific steps order about clothing. It will cost £235 if you do it yourself. (You really don't need a solicitor for this PM me if you need guidance)

You need to knock this nonsense on the head with a sledge hammer. For your DSD's sake !

Thank you so much. I will PM you

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/01/2024 18:53

Could you speak to the school about DD having a set at school and she changes there on the day after PE and then changes back into her PE kit to go home?

Perhaps chat to DD about that option. It does give her the responsibility of taking her PE kit with her from your house changing into it after school and then leaving the uniform at school to bring back to yours next time?

coffeetofunction · 27/01/2024 18:53

I understand that you don't want to single the child out or ask school for more support but I think this might be the only answer. I hope you can find a resolution

Original poster
Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 18:53

Kazplus2 · 27/01/2024 18:44

Then drop her at her mum's in enough time for her to get changed and mum take her to school?

That's not possible due to distance. We live in opposite directions

OP posts:
Ikeawarrior · 27/01/2024 18:55

Send her in into school in her own clothes or sports kit.

Original poster
Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 18:57

Ponderingwindow · 27/01/2024 18:39

Could you put labels in the pieces of uniform that you have purchased? Then give the child a bag to put them in when she takes them off for good measure.

Everything is labelled. Mum also labels and in all honesty we're not precious about what she wears, uniform from here or her Mum's is all hers. Its just a point of running out. She has a bag that goes between houses but Mum won't let her take that with her to school. So even if she finds it and puts it in the bag she won't be able to take it to school with her :(

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 27/01/2024 19:00

She has a bag that goes between houses but Mum won't let her take that with her to school.

How does that bag get to your house then?

GreatGateauxsby · 27/01/2024 19:05

I'd send her into school in own clothes and explain to school mother is witholding uniform (she now has 5 sets or whatever) and you cannot buy a new set weekly.

At a more holistic level to stop this BS I would try and change contact to outmanoeuvre her.

Is it possible to go back to court and change agreement so you have her on days where this isn't an issue

Ie. Instead of Sat- Mon you Have her thu pm - sat that way her mum has to stop playing silly buggers with the uniform.

Original poster
Justalittlerose · 27/01/2024 19:05

Shinyandnew1 · 27/01/2024 19:00

She has a bag that goes between houses but Mum won't let her take that with her to school.

How does that bag get to your house then?

That's the problem. Mum has stopped her taking it to school. And yes we really do live every day with this level of spitefulness.

OP posts:
DyslexicPoster · 27/01/2024 19:08

I think I would send her back in the clothes she wears on the Friday. Poor kid.

I'm not sure about any of this but court sounds like a good idea too.

Using a child as a weapon in this way is abuse. If it was just home clothes I'd buy up bags of outfits on market place but as its uniform that's a lot more tricky. Has the mum got other kids?