Withholding Clothes

[Justalittlerose]

Need some ideas please. SD's (9) Mum is withholding her school uniform. She comes to ours on a day that isn't a uniform day and goes from ours to school in full uniform. CMA is paid. We buy a full duplicate uniform so 3 jumpers, 6 shirts, 4 trousers and school shoes, this should be enough to cover any delays if either parent forgets one week. Court Order doesn't allow us to go to each others house so her things should be left at school on drop off day for the other to pick up when they get her. We don't care about them being our clothes as they are all hers and she should be able to wear what she wants to both houses but it leaves us with the problem of running out. What can we do? Mum is HC.

Poor kid.

id also send her in pe jut at this stage

We have this. And additionally with football kit. It got to the stage where we had bought about ten emergency shirts, trousers etc. ridiculous. We had it included when we went back to court due to breaches of the court order that she must not withhold clothes and should send them back with the kids when they had been at hers. It worked. To a degree. But it still happens every now and again. It's bloody tiresome. And stressful for everyone.

This is exactly it isn't it? It's the child that suffers. She has even told us I think Mum does it to annoy you when it really only hurts me. It breaks my heart, she's a gorgeous kid. Yes Mum has other kids with another ex, he suffers worse than we do.

I'm guessing there's no chance of you becoming the resident parents to protect her from this abuse?

As I suggested you buy one more set and DD changes at the end of the school back into her PE kit to go home in.

Poor kid.
Is any of the uniform logo-ed?
If so, could she leave it (assuming a jumper or similar) at school the day before PE so it's there to wear the next day she's in?
Then see if the school have pre-loved uniform that you can buy so she's not short of spares?
Really petty behaviour to withhold uniform like this.

Uniform then stays at school and Mum gets PE kit back for the following week.

Ask SD to pack whatever uniform she's wearing on the last uniform day into her schoolbag that night.

For the long run, though, you need to go back to court because what this would entail is asking the child to go against her mother's obvious wish (even though the wish is designed with malice).

You should petition for an order requiring the mother to send necessary uniform for Monday with the child to your house even though the child is picked up from school on a no uniform day.

The argument is that the child is suffering by standing out from her peers on a uniform day, and would also suffer through having to change in school.

But how does it get to you if she doesn’t take it to school?

Agree with this. I would be taking her back to court and fighting to get her full time. If her mum is capable of doing this too her child (humiliating her by not providing her uniform), then what else is she up too?

There is loads she is up to, I can't even list it all here because it is heartbreaking. Her clothes are a minor issue in comparison but one I was hoping we could find a solution to which meant it shut down the spiteful behaviour. DSD has been under Social Services numerous times because of Mum. We are trying to fight this through court but it's not easy and it's not quick.

It doesn't that's the point. We haven't seen it for over a month and we're now at the point of running out of uniform within the week.

It's an option we are now seriously looking at. We really didn't want to co-parent like this and we've been trying to ensure she has a positive relationship with her Mum.

Thank you for replying. Sadly Mum will just hold it back and cause more upset for DSD. We really want to avoid having to ask DSD to sneak around collecting up her things and hiding them in a bag in the hope Mum doesn't see.

You're totally correct, it is setting her out from her peers and that will be something we raise with the court.

It is super petty and all so unnecessary. The only person it hurts is her own daughter which is so sad as she's at the age where all of this matters.

I don't know if it's a lot to ask of her when she has so much going on already. It then puts the responsibility on to her rather than the adults. I wish I could fix it 💔

I'd buy DC another uniform to send her to school in. She could also take PE kit and change into at to he end of school and leave school uniform at school in a bag until you collect her on Friday.

I'd buy her two new sets of uniforms. Ask the school if they could arrange her a locker / if there's a safe place in the teachers break room where they could keep her uniform.

On Monday week 1 - take SD to school with the first uniform. Get changed at school in the morning before the day starts, leave her regular cloothes with the teacher. Ask teachers to make sure SD changes back to her regular clothes before mum picks her up. Uniform stays at school.

Monday week 2 - take SD to school with her second uniform. Repeat what you did week 1, but also take back the uniform she wore week 1 so that you can get it washed.

Repeat.

If this doesn't work, I'd send mum a text asking her to pack SD a uniform to bring with her on the non-school day. In that text, make sure you record that you're not asking mum to provide a uniform she's paid for, but you're just asking her to return a set you have purchased. If she refuses, try get the court order modified. The above text you send her, and her reaponse need to be filed to court as evidence of mother being unreasonable (so make sure that the text you send her is very polite). You can explain in your court application that due to mother's behaviour, your options currently are:

1.Pay x amount of money per year for having to purchase SD a new uniform every week. This means SD suffers, as you have less money to do fun things with her (holidays, hobbies, family days out, etc)

1. Send SD to school in regular clothes. This also means SD suffers, as she finds this embarrassing.
2. Juggle with the school doing the above uniform rotation. This also means SD suffers as she needs to wake up earlier to go to school, and it's embarrassing as her friends wonder why she needs to do that

Best of luck with it, you sound like a great stepmom and it's good to hear SD has at least one positive maternal figure in her life. The bio mum sounds like she's a narcissist.

On the day you take her back could she change into sports kit at the end of the day and leave her uniform at the school to be collected by you?

It does sound like your DH becoming resident parent will have to be your longer term goal but in the meantime I think @Pearlyb's post has some good suggestions.

What do you do at the moment when you run out?

I think you're just going to have to send her into school in pe kit and explain to school each time. Poor kid.

You know, I wouldn't normally suggest this but I think maybe you should involve social services. This woman sounds unhinged.

Imagine how stressful this is for the child?

Could she change after school from uniform into PE kit then leave the uniform at school with her teacher or front office? They might be happy her going to the bathroom a few minutes early so its all sorted before mum gets their. Also is there any second hand school uniform you can buy or a cheap same colour shirt? You're doing the right thing by
trying to keep DSD out of it if at all possible. Poor kid having a mum like that, but it's great she's got her Dad and you in her corner. You sound like a lovely caring DSM.

Keep the P.E. Kit she comes in. Create a pain for the mum now not having sports clothes and having the same problem she is causing you.

Seriously- your efforts to shield the girl from all of this is admirable but you can’t negotiate with a bully. You have to sort this out yourselves. Court will take ages - we are in a similar situation and filed a year ago and still don’t have a result based on Mum dragging things out and constantly delaying.

It's just awful isn't it. I know this is purely down to spite rather than not having time to sort which is why I'm trying to find a way of boxing it off rather than engaging. Something we'll be asking the court for when we go back next month.

They're already involved with her Mum and older siblings but because she doesn't cause physical damage it's like fighting an uphill battle to get anyone to call her out on her behaviour.