How to stop this abuse?

[SleepyHeadd]

Last weekend DH took me to Paris for the weekend, it was my Christmas present from him. Just me and him.
Whilst enjoying a gorgeous romantic (quite expensive) dinner cruise I received a message from DSD18’s step dad calling me, DH and my DD all the names under the sun. Really very abusive things, things relating to DD’s disability, saying I’m not a fit mother and threatening to report me to SS, calling DH a c**t and threatening violence on me and DH.
It turns out that DSD had seen photos on social media of our trip and just assumed that DD was with us, she wasn’t, she was at home with my mum.
All DSD needed to do was call DH, myself or DD and ask but instead she ran to her mum and stepdad, got upset and that’s caused this drama.

So not to drip feed - we have never taken DD away and not DSD. There was one occasion when DD was a toddler I’d gone away midweek with DD and my mum for my mum’s birthday and DH was at home. DSD had assumed DH was there but we explained and said if she’s ever upset just speak to us as her assumptions may not be accurate.

DSD’s mum and stepdad are blocked from contacting me due to previous issues but he had used his mum’s account to message me, that account is also now blocked.

I feel like we bend over backwards to involve DSD in as much as possible, for years we have done practically nothing on the weekends she was at her mum’s due to not wanting to upset DSD or to make her feel left out, but it all seems to go unnoticed, whatever we do seems to not be good enough.

She’s 18 and I just thought that by now this kind of drama would have stopped. I understand her jumping to a conclusion and getting upset, but there’s ways to address it, and this isn’t the way.

I’m upset for DH, he has never surprised me with a trip like this before, he’d been squirrelling money away from his ‘fun money’ for nearly a year to pay for the trip, planned childcare and dog care, planned things to do whilst we were there etc…a lot of effort went in to it and it feels like it was ruined by this aggressive thug sending this abuse for (what feels like) no valid reason.

In hindsight it would have helped if DSD knew about the trip beforehand but she wasn’t here on Christmas morning when I opened the gift and it just didn’t come up in conversation when she was here. And in all honesty, I just didn’t foresee a problem, this was clearly a dirty weekend romantic couple’s break, not a family holiday.

I’m not sure how we can stop this from happening again? Is there anything legally we can do to stop the stepdad from being able to contact us?

Mostly good.
like all families we’ve had our good and bad times, she’s a lovely girl with her head screwed on, bright and funny. I really like her, I actually didn’t want children of my own but it was her and our relationship that made me change my mind.
Her life with her mum is filled with drama and I think she loves that me and her Dad are pretty level headed and steady, she always comes to me when she needs help or advice and confides in me about things she wouldn’t tell her mum or Dad. We’re not in constant contact but she knows she can come to me whenever she needs me.

I don’t blame DSD for what’s happened, I’m disappointed that she felt she couldn’t pick up the phone and talk to us and it does hurt that she’s been moaning about us when I thought we were on good terms, but she obviously didn’t mean for things to turn out the way they did. It’s her stepdad that’s the issue.

You’re correct.
I thought things would have settled down by now but clearly I was wrong.

I was just discussing with a friend and she suggested that the abuse was just to ruin our break, not actually anything to do with whether DD was with us or not.
Friend pointed out a pattern in their behaviour - the drama only ever comes when there’s some kind of event - birthdays / anniversaries / Mother’s Day / holidays / weddings / moving house etc. It’s like they can’t stand us being happy so have to ruin it. I think she’s quite possibly right, it all makes more sense now. But still doesn’t solve how we make it stop, since clearly blocking doesn’t work.

.It’s like they can’t stand us being happy so have to ruin it

when you say “they” do you include your SD? or is it entirely her Step father?

you SD is obviously spending a lot of time talking about you and what’s going on at her father’s house… with her step father for this to be a regular pattern

Sorry by ‘they’ I meant DSD’s Mum and stepdad.

This.

Is it worth talking to her about how he's kicked off about this with genuine curiosity about how he's impacting her life in other ways?

I was just discussing with a friend and she suggested that the abuse was just to ruin our break, not actually anything to do with whether DD was with us or not.
Friend pointed out a pattern in their behaviour - the drama only ever comes when there’s some kind of event - birthdays / anniversaries / Mother’s Day / holidays / weddings / moving house etc. It’s like they can’t stand us being happy so have to ruin it. I think she’s quite possibly right, it all makes more sense now. But still doesn’t solve how we make it stop, since clearly blocking doesn’t work.*
*
You go to the police with a record of the malicious communications you're receiving. I'd probably warn DSD that you're going to do it, but that's all. It's not her business to stop you.

perhaps your husband needs to have a chat with her about not updating her mother and step father about every happening in your household

18 years of age? She's an adult! She sounds like a jealous spoilt ten year old who is being pandered to when she's stamping her feet.
Your DH should explain to her that now she's a grown woman she should be behaving like one.

Issues with the entitled 18 year old aside... I think the way to stop this is to report it.

Unblock the mother and step father, send them a very blunt message saying that this is the last time you will be abused by them and that you are reporting this to the police....and then block them, and report this to the police! There has been physical violence threatened. The police will take notice of this. Obviously leave all of this to your DH if this if more appropriate.

As for the 18 year old, I'd be distancing myself. She's obviously been bitching about you both behind your backs, why would you bother engaging anymore. Don't go out of your way fo her, shop for her or gift her anything, and for the love of god, don't be apologising to her. Yes, the step father is the major issue but she's obviously a little bitch as well. Did you get a response from her?

I’d block step dad and her mum on everything. Disengage from them entirely.

Stepdaughter needs to grow up. You and DH are allowed to do things without her knowledge / approval.

An adult daughter doesnt need to know everything her father does with his partner and NOTHING justifies this behaviour!

To be fair, a young girl "running to her mum and stepdad" because she's hurt isn't at all remarkable.

Your problem here is the stepfather's disproportionate reaction and abusive behaviour. DSD isn't responsible for that, nor is she unreasonable to be upset that she found out on social media that her father had gone on holiday.

Why is she hurt though? No other kids went? Does she think she should be there?

Some DSC seem to have been raised to think the rest of the family live in suspended animation when they are not there. 18yo’s should be past this

I feel you. Anytime myself and DH have an event on his ex girlfriend who he has two children with starts going on a rampage. I hoped it would get easier but it’s actually getting worse over time.

Stop posting shit on Facebook. Problem solved.

@Gobolina why do you comment on posts on a step parent topic then?

He called your disabled child one of the worst ableist slurs. I wouldn't care who he is or what relationship he has to any other member of your family - you and DH should be reporting directly to the police as a hate crime. Not to mention the threats of harm etc towards both of you. He is a disgusting person.

I hope you were able to enjoy your trip! As the mother of an autistic child I'm well aware of how difficult it can be to get couple time and a break - I hope this didn't ruin it.

This doesn't solve the issue but can you stop whatever social media you received the message on from receiving messages from unknowns?

Shut down all direct messages from unknown people. Then at least you're not giving this man a loophole to get through to you?

Sad to see young women still being made responsible for the abusive behavior of men.

No, don't.

Report him. Problem solved. Calling your child that, and threatening your husband is disgraceful.

Does your DSD know what he called her sister?

I'm not saying tell her. Just wondering if she is aware of exactly how awful he is.

Tbh if somebody had told me at the beginning of our relationship that this would still be going on when DSD was 18 I think I would have walked away, I just thought it was teething problems.

I could talk all day about all the things that have happened over the years where her mum has attempted to or has been successful at ruining things - eg ‘emergencies’ cropping up every time there’s any birthday plans, always a drama after we’d done something nice with DSD, turning up at the hospital just after I’d given birth because she ‘needed’ maintenance a week early and it had to be right at that moment 🤨 and I’ve lost count of the number of times she’d create scenarios where she’d make DH choose between DD and DSD. It’s sad really, sadly I don’t think it’s actually much to do with concern for her daughter, I think it’s more to do with jealousy of DH’s life and just wanting to still have some control over him.

1. I shouldn’t have to sensor what I put on Facebook due to fear of what my adult DSD or her mum/stepdad will say or do. I actually don’t post a lot on Facebook but if I want to share my trip with my friends and family, then shouldn’t I?

2. it wouldn’t solve anything, if it wasn’t a Facebook post it would just be something else. There’s always a drama lurking around every corner, with or without things being on Facebook. The problem is the mum and stepdad, not my social media posts.

Ignore all the comments saying DSD should have been told. You're allowed to live your lives without advising her of every plan. DH needs to have a chat with her about the problems she’s caused.

You say she’s a good person usually - is it possible her mum and stepdad are the ones snooping on your social media then winding her up/claiming she’s upset?

I agree with all PPs saying take the vile stepdad’s messages to the police. You don’t need any contact with him or DSD’s mum so block on everything and report any SM accounts used for abuse.

I used to get this shit too. Their DM said they didn’t want to see us having a nice time on social media, so I just removed DSC from my social media. Sorted. They were far too young at the time to be on it anyway and their DM was using it to keep tabs and come up with ‘emergencies’