How to stop this abuse?

[SleepyHeadd]

Last weekend DH took me to Paris for the weekend, it was my Christmas present from him. Just me and him.
Whilst enjoying a gorgeous romantic (quite expensive) dinner cruise I received a message from DSD18’s step dad calling me, DH and my DD all the names under the sun. Really very abusive things, things relating to DD’s disability, saying I’m not a fit mother and threatening to report me to SS, calling DH a c**t and threatening violence on me and DH.
It turns out that DSD had seen photos on social media of our trip and just assumed that DD was with us, she wasn’t, she was at home with my mum.
All DSD needed to do was call DH, myself or DD and ask but instead she ran to her mum and stepdad, got upset and that’s caused this drama.

So not to drip feed - we have never taken DD away and not DSD. There was one occasion when DD was a toddler I’d gone away midweek with DD and my mum for my mum’s birthday and DH was at home. DSD had assumed DH was there but we explained and said if she’s ever upset just speak to us as her assumptions may not be accurate.

DSD’s mum and stepdad are blocked from contacting me due to previous issues but he had used his mum’s account to message me, that account is also now blocked.

I feel like we bend over backwards to involve DSD in as much as possible, for years we have done practically nothing on the weekends she was at her mum’s due to not wanting to upset DSD or to make her feel left out, but it all seems to go unnoticed, whatever we do seems to not be good enough.

She’s 18 and I just thought that by now this kind of drama would have stopped. I understand her jumping to a conclusion and getting upset, but there’s ways to address it, and this isn’t the way.

I’m upset for DH, he has never surprised me with a trip like this before, he’d been squirrelling money away from his ‘fun money’ for nearly a year to pay for the trip, planned childcare and dog care, planned things to do whilst we were there etc…a lot of effort went in to it and it feels like it was ruined by this aggressive thug sending this abuse for (what feels like) no valid reason.

In hindsight it would have helped if DSD knew about the trip beforehand but she wasn’t here on Christmas morning when I opened the gift and it just didn’t come up in conversation when she was here. And in all honesty, I just didn’t foresee a problem, this was clearly a dirty weekend romantic couple’s break, not a family holiday.

I’m not sure how we can stop this from happening again? Is there anything legally we can do to stop the stepdad from being able to contact us?

It must've been horrible for her to see it on SM, given it was 2 weeks after Christmas Day and her dad didn't bother telling her.

What, DF going away with his wife when it isn’t her contact time, and she’s 18 years old? Why is that horrible for her?

She needs to grow up. Fat chance though with her DM and DSF encouraging her to feel slighted.

This.

She's not entitled to know about travel plans that don't involve her.

All those saying she should have known, it's quite frankly none of her business. She wasn't lied to. She wasn't going and it was nothing to do with her. The entitlement is huge. She's 18 with own life at uni. We have never once told my dh adult children when we've gone away as a couple, they literally would find it odd if we did because they would.not.care.
As for the step dad I'd be reporting to the police, blocking his number. He doesn't need to contact either of you and getting your dh to have a very serious chat with his daughter about expectatiosn and entitlement. He's allowed a life. And op you are allowed to take your child away if wanted!

This. I read the thread twice and couldn’t get my head round who was who until I saw this post. I was imagining you as a same sex couple but that still wasn’t making sense. Why would you attack your exes partner and not your ex? I do think this needs reporting to the police if there were threats

Stepdad and the DSD both channelling their inner Albert Steptoe!!

Except it didn’t come up. How’s that the ops fault? And she even explains why, when she didn’t have to. Her sd wasn’t there when it was opened an a Xmas present. The time she has seen her since there were a load of family there focusing on the kids and it didn’t come up. And even if it was deliberately not said to her, what difference does it make? She’s a grown woman who doesn’t live there. It’s none of her business whether her dad wants to take a weekend away to shag his parter (by the ops own admission).

Apart from my concern for your wellbeing OP, I would be concerned about your DSD's homelife with that maniac and whether she really does have a good group of friends at Uni.

When I was 18, the last thing I would have wanted was to go on holiday with my parents.

You are showing a lack of imagination here with just throwing a party - I also may have had noisy sex on the hall floor with my boyfriend whilst my parents were on holiday. 🤣And in the shower. 😉 And maybe on the kitchen floor too. 😛

This. You also need to stop apologising, you have nothing to be sorry for. She sounds sad and pathetic, she needs to get her own life so she isn’t sticking her nose into yours. My 18 year old self couldn’t have thought of anything worse than a romantic break with my mum and step dad or dad and step mum! Does she seriously expect all holidays and outings to be ran past her forever?!

he didn’t tell her about his present to the Op because his present to his daughter was now doubt… very disappointing and he knew it

OP you are allowed to go on a holiday without their permission.

You need to tell them all to fuck off and mind their own business.

Surely this latest incident is just one of many many many over the years…. high drama, swearing, spats with one hell of a back story to it all

I think he’s a bully who likes to pick on women, DSD often reports he’s controlling with her and her mum. Things like controlling what she wears, who she’s friends with, not allowing DSD to drink but allowing his son who’s a very similar age to drink. I think he’s one of the main reasons she was keen to move away for uni.

His opinion seems to be that anything that happens that they’re not happy with is all my fault, maybe this is due to the way DSD presents things, who knows?
His words in his message to me were “you’re clearly the one behind this”, despite not even knowing about the trip until 12 days before 🤦🏼‍♀️

this issue aside OP
what is your relationship like with your DSD?

Of course she'll deny it, because she and the father are wicked awful people who likely got her a lump of coal whilst they swan off around the world. Jesus christ woman, have a word with yourself. The kid is 18, she needs to grow up, the nerve of her to complain that daddy didn't take her to Paris 😂 how actually embarrassing for her.

You might be doing your DSD a favour if you reported this to the police, he doesn't sound like the sort of man your DSD needs to have around. He doesn't like women and wants it to be your fault so he can be vile to you, the language he uses about about your DD tells you the sort of person he is.

Jesus if my parents had buggered off on holiday when i was 18 i would have jumped for joy at having the house to myself

@Screwballs people dont generally just turn out like this

they will have had a shit show of a childhood

@spearthatbroc

From all the further information and the fact that the step-father is horrible to all the women in his life, I would cut the sds some slack. For all we know she may have just mentioned the photos she saw.

yes me too

this is an 18 year old who i suspect has had a very tricky and tumultuous childhood

I feel this is a ridiculous comment to make and I shouldn’t have to justify it with an answer, but here we go… I do the majority of Christmas shopping/planning and DSD’s gifts were by no means shit. We actually spent more on her this year than ever before because we’re trying to help her out whilst she’s at uni so she got the usual value of gifts + a bank transfer.
The value of her gifts was probably a similar value of the trip for the two of us. I really can’t see how she could be mad about that.
DH is very generous with her, always helps her out with money (within reason) and doesn’t expect it to be repaid.
But shouldn’t DH be able to treat his wife if he wishes to without fear of his 18 year old daughter being jealous? We’ve never been abroad just the two of us before, even our honeymoon was a ‘familymoon’.

I honestly don’t think it’s about what she did/didn’t get, the issue seems to lie with her thinking she’d been left out of a family trip.

this issue aside OP

what is your relationship like with your SD?

and would i be correct that this is simply the most recent high drama incident in a catalogue of incidents over the years?

@SleepyHeadd there have been plenty of posters on here who have wanted or actually kicked their kids out when they turn 18 and had them give 3/4 of their wages over for their keep Doesnt seem to apply to step kids of the same age though

This! Surely that comment about your DD constitutes a hate crime also.