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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How to stop this abuse?

105 replies

SleepyHeadd · 14/01/2024 11:42

Last weekend DH took me to Paris for the weekend, it was my Christmas present from him. Just me and him.
Whilst enjoying a gorgeous romantic (quite expensive) dinner cruise I received a message from DSD18’s step dad calling me, DH and my DD all the names under the sun. Really very abusive things, things relating to DD’s disability, saying I’m not a fit mother and threatening to report me to SS, calling DH a c**t and threatening violence on me and DH.
It turns out that DSD had seen photos on social media of our trip and just assumed that DD was with us, she wasn’t, she was at home with my mum.
All DSD needed to do was call DH, myself or DD and ask but instead she ran to her mum and stepdad, got upset and that’s caused this drama.

So not to drip feed - we have never taken DD away and not DSD. There was one occasion when DD was a toddler I’d gone away midweek with DD and my mum for my mum’s birthday and DH was at home. DSD had assumed DH was there but we explained and said if she’s ever upset just speak to us as her assumptions may not be accurate.

DSD’s mum and stepdad are blocked from contacting me due to previous issues but he had used his mum’s account to message me, that account is also now blocked.

I feel like we bend over backwards to involve DSD in as much as possible, for years we have done practically nothing on the weekends she was at her mum’s due to not wanting to upset DSD or to make her feel left out, but it all seems to go unnoticed, whatever we do seems to not be good enough.

She’s 18 and I just thought that by now this kind of drama would have stopped. I understand her jumping to a conclusion and getting upset, but there’s ways to address it, and this isn’t the way.

I’m upset for DH, he has never surprised me with a trip like this before, he’d been squirrelling money away from his ‘fun money’ for nearly a year to pay for the trip, planned childcare and dog care, planned things to do whilst we were there etc…a lot of effort went in to it and it feels like it was ruined by this aggressive thug sending this abuse for (what feels like) no valid reason.

In hindsight it would have helped if DSD knew about the trip beforehand but she wasn’t here on Christmas morning when I opened the gift and it just didn’t come up in conversation when she was here. And in all honesty, I just didn’t foresee a problem, this was clearly a dirty weekend romantic couple’s break, not a family holiday.

I’m not sure how we can stop this from happening again? Is there anything legally we can do to stop the stepdad from being able to contact us?

OP posts:
spearthatbroc · 14/01/2024 11:44

your dh hadn’t bothered to tell her he was going away?

spearthatbroc · 14/01/2024 11:44

there will be more to this

spearthatbroc · 14/01/2024 11:44

In hindsight it would have helped if DSD knew about the trip beforehand but she wasn’t here on Christmas morning when I opened the gift and it just didn’t come up in conversation when she was here. And in all honesty, I just didn’t foresee a problem, this was clearly a dirty weekend romantic couple’s break, not a family holiday.

your dh should have told her

how often does he see her

KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 11:48

It must've been horrible for her to see it on SM, given it was 2 weeks after Christmas Day and her dad didn't bother telling her.

But that said, this is not about her it's about her awful Step Dad.

Just block him on every channel possible and if he continues to harass, report him to the police.

Same as you would anyone who harassed you.

Original poster
SleepyHeadd · 14/01/2024 12:10

spearthatbroc · 14/01/2024 11:44

In hindsight it would have helped if DSD knew about the trip beforehand but she wasn’t here on Christmas morning when I opened the gift and it just didn’t come up in conversation when she was here. And in all honesty, I just didn’t foresee a problem, this was clearly a dirty weekend romantic couple’s break, not a family holiday.

your dh should have told her

how often does he see her

We saw her on Boxing Day and hadn’t seen her since. She’s at uni (not local), works and has a boyfriend and a very active social life, so she just comes back as and when, usually around once a month depending on when she can get time off work.

I think DH just didn’t see it as a potential issue, there was no plans for her to be home that weekend, we were away for 1 night, she’s 18 and very independent.

OP posts:
Voucherwoes · 14/01/2024 12:21

Yes your DH probably should have told her, and I don’t think her speaking to her mum being upset if she saw it on social is unreasonable

However her mum and DSD should not be stoking the flames and being abusive towards you both.
She is obviously old enough to communicate directly with your DH - so I’d advise the pair of you block both of them - and maybe your husband can set up an email address to be used for communication if it’s an emergency.

GKD · 14/01/2024 12:25

This is nuts, she’s 18, it wasn’t her weekend and DD wasn’t with you.

Frin what you e said I don’t see that you or DH have done anything wrong, even if you had left her out etc, abuse esp from SD is a complete over reaction.

Block them on everything.

I’m sorry your weekend was ruined.

(Also a lesson in how/when posting to SM, but that’s my personal opinion in general)

Floofydawg · 14/01/2024 12:30

Block block block. She sounds nuts. Why on earth can't you have a weekend away?

JanefromLondon1 · 14/01/2024 12:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Berthatydfil · 14/01/2024 12:38

Setting aside the step issue I would be asking her what point would you assume that an over 18 year old would stop expecting to go on holiday with their parents? Particularly if there is a younger sibling/s ?
18 19 20 25 30 ?
Most 18 year olds are going away with mates clubbing or festivals nit on a romantic trip to Paris.
She is being ridiculous.

Snowydaysfaraway · 14/01/2024 12:41

About time the bloody madam grew up imo.

HashBrownandBeans · 14/01/2024 12:43

You have my sympathies. We had messages calling us disgusting names whilst away on honeymoon years ago from the ex. She cheated on my DH with a friend and had married him so not sure what her problem was? Jealousy I guess that she didn’t get a honeymoon?
Just block them and move on. People are pathetic. You are allowed a life. Especially because SD is an adult with her own life.

KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 12:44

Snowydaysfaraway · 14/01/2024 12:41

About time the bloody madam grew up imo.

All she did was have a grumble to her mum and SD to be fair.

The SD is the one to blame here.

spearthatbroc · 14/01/2024 12:46

out of interest… is there a possibility she was hurt that she received something pitiful for christmas due to him claiming no money and then she sees he’s away in Paris?

needless to say to you will deny this as a possibility

DanaBarrettsKitchen · 14/01/2024 12:47

If the Step Dad threatened violence then you need to report it to the Police. That's the only way to stop it or make it have consequences in the future if he continues.

A conversation with DSD will be in order once you've done the above.

Luckydog7 · 14/01/2024 12:49

Was the step dad just contacting you or your DH too? Very strange to involve you at all. Why is he contacting his own step daughters step mother? If anything this should be just between her parents. It's shit op, assume you simply corrected them? Not that you'll get an apology from anyone.

lavenderphase · 14/01/2024 13:12

I know this isn't the main point but I do think it's weird she didn't know about the trip.
You saw her Boxing Day and I would hope since then she'd spoken to/messaged with her dad.

As an adult I would think it's strange if my parents went on a trip and hadn't told me and none of this would have happened if she'd known.

That aside clearly the mum and stepdad are pricks and seems to wind up the daughter too.
Tell him never to contact you again and block him. If he continues to harass you then you can report him.

PlanningTowns · 14/01/2024 13:14

Two issues at play.

harassment by the SD - as someone else said if violence once was threatened in writing report to the police. Hopefully they will go have a word. But blocking them and checking your socials is a good thing to do.

in terms of the SD your husband needs to have a word with her. She is now an adult, at university and building an independent life. She clearly has jealousy issues about your DD and fears she is missing out or not being treated fairly. You could spell it out that it was a dirty weekend away for the both of you if you want to frankly cause her embarrassment about this jealously (which would be my go to - don’t make her comfortable as she has created the issue in the first place).

but to be honest if you have pussyfooted around her for the past number of years you probably should have expected something like this.

christmas presents etc are a red herring here. She is an adult and whilst moaning to her dm and sd is reasonable, she must know it would have consequences.

LordSnot · 14/01/2024 13:16

You stop the abusive messages by blocking the numbers, as you've done. Not sure why it needed a thread.

Gobolina · 14/01/2024 13:17

Such a spoil little brat wouldn't be stepping foot in my house again.

Dh could see her elsewhere.

But this is why I didn't get involved with someone with previous children.

Original poster
SleepyHeadd · 14/01/2024 13:23

Luckydog7 · 14/01/2024 12:49

Was the step dad just contacting you or your DH too? Very strange to involve you at all. Why is he contacting his own step daughters step mother? If anything this should be just between her parents. It's shit op, assume you simply corrected them? Not that you'll get an apology from anyone.

Yes just me. It’s always me, I think he likes picking on women, DSD has reported that he’s very controlling of her and her Mum so I think he likes to pick on me too.
And maybe a part of him thinks it’ll bother DH more to come after me rather than saying these things to DH?
God knows.

Yes I corrected them, I even apologised that DSD had been upset by it.
No apology but I had then blocked the account he’d messaged from so maybe he did try, but I doubt it.

OP posts:
lavenderphase · 14/01/2024 13:37

Gobolina · 14/01/2024 13:17

Such a spoil little brat wouldn't be stepping foot in my house again.

Dh could see her elsewhere.

But this is why I didn't get involved with someone with previous children.

What? It wasn't the stepdaughter who sent abusive messages. Sounds like she commented to her mum about the trip which is allowed. I'd find it weird if my dad went away without telling me.

Namerequired · 14/01/2024 13:45

How is it weird that her dad goes away without her, even if the younger daughter was there. She’s 18 at university. You see her once a month, is your life supposed to stop inbetween?
I think she’s ridiculous being upset, and should have just messaged her dad, but that said she’s not responsible for her step dads behaviour. Now she’s 18 there’s no need for any of them to be able to contact you or have your number except dsd. I would consider reporting the stepdad and I would stop pussyfooting around all of them

Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow · 14/01/2024 13:49

spearthatbroc · 14/01/2024 11:44

your dh hadn’t bothered to tell her he was going away?

that’s all you took from this?? The DSD is 18 ffs and her DH is a grown man.

Original poster
SleepyHeadd · 14/01/2024 13:50

lavenderphase · 14/01/2024 13:12

I know this isn't the main point but I do think it's weird she didn't know about the trip.
You saw her Boxing Day and I would hope since then she'd spoken to/messaged with her dad.

As an adult I would think it's strange if my parents went on a trip and hadn't told me and none of this would have happened if she'd known.

That aside clearly the mum and stepdad are pricks and seems to wind up the daughter too.
Tell him never to contact you again and block him. If he continues to harass you then you can report him.

I know it seems weird that she didn’t know but it wasn’t intentional, there were several family members here on Boxing Day, we made a fuss of the kids, conversations with DSD were around her…our trip just didn’t come up in conversation with her.

DH speaks to her on a regular basis but he usually just asks about how she’s doing rather than talk about himself/us.

There was no ill intentions, he’s a good guy and a good dad, he sometimes just doesn’t think things through properly. He also has a habit of assuming people already know stuff, his communication skills just aren’t the best.

OP posts: