Child maintenance disparity

[NeedaBreakPlz]

My fiancé (who lives with me and my two children) has a private child maintenance arrangement with his ex for their kids. He pays a VERY generous amount - double the CMS calculation plus anything extra when the ex requests it. He’s very kind but also quite impulsive with money. I think he finds it hard to say no to her - and he obviously he wants his kids to have everything they want.

The child maintenance I get from the father of my two kids is a constant battle and very low (he’s a narcissistic bully so I’ve had to deal with years of abuse too). I’m currently battling with the CMS as the ex has falsified information.

Both my fiancé and I work but my income is lower than my fiancé (it dropped when I moved to live in his area) but we just don’t seem to have enough money each month.

Whereas I do support him paying a fair child maintenance amount i’m beginning to feel increasingly resentful that his ex appears to be financially secure (foreign holidays, new car etc) and I’m most certainly not (neither is my fiancé).

I don’t know if to say anything to him (the conversation will be very difficult) or leave it alone.

He shouldn't be paying those things anyway and the fact he's paying half the bills like grocery, rent, utilities is generous. You should be paying more if these bills as there are 3 of you living in the house.

Who are you answering?

You can quote people when you are replying

Okay - fair point. My original OP had the wrong emphasis. I need to work thru my feelings and get to the hub of the problem.

But he’s paying half the household costs when the op has (at least) 2 children there. So there’s 3 of them and 1 of him, AND he’s still heavily supporting his first family. If the op wants to even it up according to their salaries, she should also even it up according to how many people are in the house, as from the sounds of it he’s already subsidising her children, more than their actual father is

The SC may have bedrooms and be there 3/7 nights a week for all we know. OP and her children aren’t going to be directly responsible for 3/4 of the household costs.

And his kids come and stay too so I pay towards those costs when they stay - utilities, food etc

How often do his children stay OP? Does he have 50/50 custody?

Sorry - I didn’t realise I had to click ‘quote’.

Personally I would not be splitting relating to income as you are not starting fresh. There are your kids etc.

So he may earn more than you but you come with more spends.

So 50/50 is more than fair really. It sounds like you may need to consider how to increase your income. Is he happy to be with your children while you work?

Not 50:50. Every other (long) weekend, once during the week and half the hols but can be more if the mum needs him to step in.

Imagine if the genders were reversed and it was a man moving into his girlfriends with his 2 children? And she’s kindly said even though there’s 3 of you, we’ll split the bills 50/50, even though I’ve got another household with my own children to support. And then he spat his dummy out because he couldn’t get more cash out of his ex? He’d be called a cocklodger and told to sort his own income out for the better if he wanted more money for his kids

No that’s not possible due the nature of his work. But I do need to boost my income.

There’s a massive difference between your kids living there and his coming to stay

My kids are not here 24/7. They see their dad

Does he work nights?

This. No way has the op put more money into his children than he’s put into hers. Hers have moved into his house. If a man wanted more money out of his girlfriend when she’s already covering half the costs of his kids, he’d be told to work more hours or get a better job. Cheeky af. What’s the female version of a cock lodger? You don’t make your partner pay more for your kids because he’s more generous than their other parent

No. I can’t really spell it out on a public thread

How often are yours at home and how ofter are his there?

What are both of your incomes? do give an idea of the 50/50 for bills

Exactly

Exactly.

Presumably more than every other weekend though?

Presumably more than every other weekend though?

I think what I’m getting here is:

1. i need to deal with my own emotions about all of this and get a grip on those
2. i may need to chat with him about my financial struggles and see if we can come up with another plan that works for both of us and we both see is fair
3. Child maintenance is not to be discussed and should not be part of that

i just wanted to work through my thoughts on this forum - not always a good idea I know! But I do appreciate all your thoughts and it has made me think.

i’ll leave it at that as I can’t reveal any more personal details but your comments have made me stop, reflect and think - so thank you.

Oh yes us single mums have wardrobes full of designer handbags, shoes, luxury holidays etc! I was once accused of spending his money on luxury bags (I’m not even into designer bags so dunno where that even came from 🤷‍♀️)on his £70 a month 🤣

they are actually deluded