Child maintenance disparity

[NeedaBreakPlz]

My fiancé (who lives with me and my two children) has a private child maintenance arrangement with his ex for their kids. He pays a VERY generous amount - double the CMS calculation plus anything extra when the ex requests it. He’s very kind but also quite impulsive with money. I think he finds it hard to say no to her - and he obviously he wants his kids to have everything they want.

The child maintenance I get from the father of my two kids is a constant battle and very low (he’s a narcissistic bully so I’ve had to deal with years of abuse too). I’m currently battling with the CMS as the ex has falsified information.

Both my fiancé and I work but my income is lower than my fiancé (it dropped when I moved to live in his area) but we just don’t seem to have enough money each month.

Whereas I do support him paying a fair child maintenance amount i’m beginning to feel increasingly resentful that his ex appears to be financially secure (foreign holidays, new car etc) and I’m most certainly not (neither is my fiancé).

I don’t know if to say anything to him (the conversation will be very difficult) or leave it alone.

It's very hard as long as he's managing his share of bills and household costs and he able to occasionally treat you and pay towards costs of living such as breaks and holidays / birthdays / Christmas in other words not totally broke after bills then it isn't really your concern and I says that as a step mum

HOWEVER I wouldn't be happy with double if this ran into crazy figures then he's forming out extras constantly so I probably wouldn't of stayed or he would have to come to this conclusion himself I wouldn't of felt comfortable telling him to cut the money

Unfortunately this sounds like a conversation you should have had before you moved in

Well you’ve said what needs to happen. Even once married, your children are not his financial responsibility as such, that’ll always their dad’s, but the reality of the situation is usually far from being this black and white, because you are a family and income is household income and he will inevitably be paying indirectly to support your children.
Given that he pays way over what he legally has to pay for his own children, I don’t think it would be unreasonable for him to have a conversation with his ex to discuss reducing how much he pays slightly. If you went on to have a child together, his CMS payments to her would decrease as a result, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to discuss a slight reduction, as it sounds like he will still be paying over the amount he is legally obligated to pay (and rightly so if he can afford to do this).
She doesn’t have to agreed to this of course, but he could then turn around and just pay the minimum, but I don’t think anyone wins in that scenario as it’s purely tit for tat with the children suffering. We don’t know how reasonable the ex is or how amicable their relationship, but he won’t know until he discusses it with her.
The trouble is it’s very much up to him to decide whether he even wants to have that conversation, and to have it if he does. You don’t need to be seen as the wicked step mother “stealing” money from his children. It has to be coming from him.
Equally you need to really think about the reality of marrying him accounting for his commitments to his children. You have to be okay with it both emotionally and financially. If it continues to irritate you it’s sure to bleed into your relationship and even your relationship with his children. So think very carefully about whether you can accept his decision regarding these maintenance payments whatever he decides. There’s less shame in acknowledging that it bothers you or isn’t financially viable to your household and walking away than dragging all of your children through another divorce further down the line.

“I need to speak to my fiancé about a more equitable split and keep child maintenance out of it. That’s for him to work out once our own costs are covered”

Surely you both work out your own costs based on what’s left of his monthly earnings after he’s paid his maintenance. He already pays a certain amount for maintenance so that money is already accounted for. So take your monthly income and his, if there is a big difference work on percentages so it is fair for you both.

Yes - all very fair points. I need to dig deep and sort out my feelings and my head about this issue.

Don’t get me wrong OP, I would find it hard to be in your position, wanting the same/similar lifestyle for my DC/family (inc the SC) as the household your partner is contributing into.

BUT

as you’ve said, that would be for me to deal with my feelings/situation/income.

If things are hard and you are both skint at month end then you probably should jointly sit down with a few monthly statements and in/outcome spreadsheet to see in black and white where £ is going, how reductions/changes can be made, what your goals/wishes are and how you can get there.

There may be other ways to make things easier.

Is double CMS so ridiculously generous? CMS is so low and doesn't reflect the costs of raising a child.

It's good to see a father who isn't just paying the minimum.

It sounds like the dad has the children 5-6 nights a fortnight so he’s paying 100% of those costs including for bedrooms. Double CMS is probably 1/3 of his take home pay, plus extras. Not many could afford to spare that high a percentage from their budget.

Surely your costs are less now you have someone paying 50% of the bills? Are he and his children really costing double the rent, electricity, gas and food bills you were paying before?

Isn't everybody feeling the pinch at the moment?
Absolutely OK to talk to him about bills and stuff as he would hopefully want you to have a bit left over each month - but not ok to expect him to reduce maintenance. Their food and bills and fun costs have all gone up too!

So who looks after his children when they come to you. Long weekends, in the week and half the holidays, presumably also school pickup? Who is cooking and cleaning - also 50/50? If you are doing this you need to factor this in surely? Does this impact your ability to work more? It's irrelevant if you are doing it for your kids because if you weren't there he would have to do it.

Unpopular opinion incoming but OP I get where you’re coming from here. It is incredibly frustrating to be paying more than a fair share in your shared home just for all his money to be disappearing to his ex. I would imagine this is much much worse when he is paying way over what the CMS says so in an agreement that probably worked well when he didn’t also have another family and relationship.

When you’ve been alone and then you meet a partner you do expect the pressure to be taken off a bit, and I do understand that. I really think you need to explain to him how you feel. His kids aren’t going without even if he paid the ex the official amount and then treated them to clothes etc and other things when they are with you. Don’t get into debt , just be open and honest.

Yes I will try to find the right time to bring it up. I think it’s great he’s paying more than the CMS amount and I support that. But it’s the bigger picture I need to think about.

How old are the children, yours and his? Do you work FT?

@User13579367337

Read the op post, they both moved in together a new home for them both.

If his kids come to the house 6 or 7 nights a fortnight then he's paying 50 50 for his kids to be there, don't know why every body is saying he's paying 50 50 for a house her kids live in, and he should be paying less and her more, in that case op should be paying less cause his kids are there 6 7 nights a fortnight, they are each paying 50 50 for themselves and there kids. When you join together kids or not you become a unit and a family.

Not 50:50. Every other (long) weekend, once during the week and half the hols but can be more if the mum needs him to step in.

Appears to be EOW rather than 50:50…

So if we take 14 days, Monday morning to Sunday night.

He'd have:

The weds (say as his midweek) night
The long weekend, Fri, Sat, Sun night.

So 4 nights out of 14. Or 2 nights out of 7. For 38 weeks a year. That's 76 nights.

Then the 14 weeks of school holidays, has them a minimum of 50%. Often more. Let's just take the minimum. 7 weeks. That's 49 nights.

76 + 49 = 125 nights a year (minimum).

They live with him a third of the time. That's not insignificant. So you do need to take into account that your children are there the whole time (I missed if they ever go to dad's?) But his children are there a lot. Not just every other weekend by any stretch.

I wouldn't think much of a partner who earned miles above me, but expected bills to split 50/50. It's a partnership. Not a housemate.

I wouldn't think much of a partner who earned miles above me, but expected bills to split 50/50. It's a partnership. Not a housemate.

Me neither as it goes but it’s usually cited on this board to ensure SP income is ringfenced as only the parents should be financially responsible for the DC.
Separate 50:50 rather than pooled finances is very common.

The OP might want to be careful about counting contact days as if her SK are home less than hers the partner might ask for a recalculation in his favour…

I don't understand the benefits of being in a partnership and living with this man, you've lost your tax credits for a start. Him paying over the odds for his dc is affecting YOUR dc. Being in a partnership should benefit you both, you would probably be financially better off living alone.