Child maintenance disparity

[NeedaBreakPlz]

My fiancé (who lives with me and my two children) has a private child maintenance arrangement with his ex for their kids. He pays a VERY generous amount - double the CMS calculation plus anything extra when the ex requests it. He’s very kind but also quite impulsive with money. I think he finds it hard to say no to her - and he obviously he wants his kids to have everything they want.

The child maintenance I get from the father of my two kids is a constant battle and very low (he’s a narcissistic bully so I’ve had to deal with years of abuse too). I’m currently battling with the CMS as the ex has falsified information.

Both my fiancé and I work but my income is lower than my fiancé (it dropped when I moved to live in his area) but we just don’t seem to have enough money each month.

Whereas I do support him paying a fair child maintenance amount i’m beginning to feel increasingly resentful that his ex appears to be financially secure (foreign holidays, new car etc) and I’m most certainly not (neither is my fiancé).

I don’t know if to say anything to him (the conversation will be very difficult) or leave it alone.

I’m reading your messages very carefully and thinking very hard about what is behind my feelings and whether I’m being unreasonable or not. I think my emotions are driving my response at the moment - which I need to tackle. I think the issue is how we are splitting our costs and maybe we’ve got that wrong. It’s pound for pound now and maybe it should be percentage based on our income. And yes I’m trying to boost my own income.

By the way I know some people on Mumsnet can be blunt but please don’t make responses personal about me.

Yes, it has gone up. Our costs have gone up hugely as well (we don’t go on holiday)

You can't expect his children to miss out on his support so he can provide your children with cash that their own dad doesn't.

The first thing my ex did when he moved in with girlfriend and her kids was cut maintenence as he was considered financially responsible for her kids, and it was a real dickhead move, that general attitude means he doesnt see the kids anymore because he prioritised hers over his own, and that came across to my kids who are no longer interested.

It sounds like you've jumped into this without thinking it through properly tbh. That's not his kids fault though.

Why do men (and their new partners) always think that they’re the ones paying for holidays, luxuries etc? My ex would constantly make snippy comments about him paying for my social life while he couldn’t afford to keep himself. I earned £5k a month and gave our kids a good upbringing. But sure, it was his paltry £200 a month contribution that gave us such a good standard of living. 🙄

You’ll get loads of criticism on here OP just for being a stepparent. Really, this isn’t about his ex or his children at all though, it’s about having a fair division of finances for the household.

It sounds like you’re massively out of pocket because you’ve moved in with him, and that he’s not covering his share either. Please don’t get into debt over this.

That sounds completely irrelevant to OP’s post. £200 wouldn’t be double the CMS amount + extras.

@Menomeno
my ex said the same, he was paying for hair (that I haven't had done for 15 years) nails (that I don't get done) and Starbucks (that I never go to) and that I just had kids by him for his money.

Yes I did, indeed, have 4 kids by him for £210 a month, I played the long game, but totally worth it 🤣

OP says he is covering his share. He's paying 50% if everything. Considering her children live in the house and are not his, she should actually be paying more than him anyway so he is paying over the odds and essentially supporting her children as well.

OP, if you were married, I would say you could speak to him about paying proportionally to your income or setting up a family pot. But you're not married, and he already has financial commitments and responsibilities to his own children.

How long have you lived together and how much has the maintenance increased by?

Not irrelevant at all. How do we know that his ex doesn’t have a decent job and pays for these ‘luxuries’ herself? Why mention them at all? Kids cost far more to keep than double the pittance that CMS ask for. Just because her partner is paying a reasonable amount doesn’t mean his ex should be forced to live in sackcloth and ashes, or indeed that he should pay less.

I think my post is being misunderstood. Could be the way I presented the facts. But I am thinking very carefully about what I’m feeling and what’s motivating all of this. His kids certainly do NOT go without - and I wouldn’t want them to. I look after them too. But I’m also a mum to two kids and we have struggled for years. I need to speak to my fiancé about a more equitable split and keep child maintenance out of it. That’s for him to work out once our own costs are covered.

Some people have been lovely on this thread and also provided really helpful pointers and questions for me to consider. Whereas others have made it personal - I’m going to say again - there is no need to make personal remarks about me. I’m actually a decent person who is just trying to navigate a tricky situation and work it out in my head.

I never said he should not be paying child support.

Nonsense. Of course OP can ask her fiance to review their financial setup if she's ended up significantly worse off than she was before joining households. It's supposed to be a loving relationship, not a cut-throat business arrangement!

Yeah there needs to be a complete adjustment not re the kids, but re paying half all the household costs, when he is a far higher earner, and she lost all her tax credits by moving in with him. They are supposed to be partners, that's a household loss, not her sole loss.

The finances should have all been sorted out properly beforehand.

It's unfair for op to agree to one arrangement, then her ex doesn't pay so she wants her dp to fill that gap when he has his own kids to pay for. He may not have agreed to move in together if op had said he should pay significantly more toward the house (that needs to be larger for her kids.

To be honest op I would be looking at getting a place for you and your kids and just keep dating your dp, it sounds like you've left one crappy relationship, moved into a shit situation, and then leapt into this one which is causing resentment already.

Maybe have a chat looking at your household income v outgoings and see what he says?

Do you think he will agree to reduce the cash for his DC to pay more into your home?

But ultimately aren’t isn’t he as a stepdad already subsidising your children if you are 50:50 on all bills inc food? This board normally advises against that. I’ve seen posters state that the SP shouldn’t have to cover extra foods costs etc.

I think the standard is 50:50 on bills then maintenance etc taken from remaining funds, is this what’s happening?

How long have you lived together?

We’ve been living together for four years but finances/circumstances have changed a lot during this time. So I’m just looking at the recent/current situation.

That’s interesting - 50/50 even when there is an income disparity?

It’s a tricky one with many variables. I’m assuming you each have 2 children. Let’s also assume both sets of children spend the same amount of time at your house. Your income is your earnings, plus CM, plus child benefit. His income is his earnings less CM. You say you split the living costs 50/50. Is your income equal though once CM and CB is taken into account?

Well, why should he have to pay for your children OP? They have 2 parents who should be paying for them. Granted there's an income disparity, but he should just be paying his own way, not paying yours and your children's way as well.

Because you have two children that aren't his. It's pretty kind that he's paying half as is.

He’s not my flatmate - he’s my fiancé and we live together (his kids at times, my kids at times and sometimes all of them together) so we need to revisit our finances.

He pays half of bills - he does not pay half of my children’s direct costs eg. clothes, shoes, allowances, lunch/bus money, countless other things etc etc.

Revisiting finances is one thing, but your OP was primarily focused on your resentment of his ex receiving so much in maintenance while you struggle to get maintenance from your ex.

If you can revisit finances and he can, and is happy to, contribute more without reducing his payments to his children then great. If not, you'll have to suck it up or leave. I think him paying 50% is already generous.

What are the changes since you moved in together and discussed finances? Four years is a significant period for you to only be flagging this now. So why now?

Is it that his income has gone up and he's increased CM, but not household contribution? Is it since you moved in that your ex has become difficult about your CM? A vast increase in mortgage payment?

It's still not really clear.

No he earns a lot more than me.