Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Child maintenance disparity

94 replies

NeedaBreakPlz · 07/01/2024 12:36

My fiancé (who lives with me and my two children) has a private child maintenance arrangement with his ex for their kids. He pays a VERY generous amount - double the CMS calculation plus anything extra when the ex requests it. He’s very kind but also quite impulsive with money. I think he finds it hard to say no to her - and he obviously he wants his kids to have everything they want.

The child maintenance I get from the father of my two kids is a constant battle and very low (he’s a narcissistic bully so I’ve had to deal with years of abuse too). I’m currently battling with the CMS as the ex has falsified information.

Both my fiancé and I work but my income is lower than my fiancé (it dropped when I moved to live in his area) but we just don’t seem to have enough money each month.

Whereas I do support him paying a fair child maintenance amount i’m beginning to feel increasingly resentful that his ex appears to be financially secure (foreign holidays, new car etc) and I’m most certainly not (neither is my fiancé).

I don’t know if to say anything to him (the conversation will be very difficult) or leave it alone.

OP posts:
Grilly · 07/01/2024 12:43

Do you pay your household bills split according to your income? If so, and the extra maintenance is from his ‘fun money’ I don’t think you can say anything really. It’s his choice to financially boost a household that isn’t his own.

Original poster
NeedaBreakPlz · 07/01/2024 13:38

We split bills equally so not based on income. When I moved in I felt I should pay half as my kids are hers too. Although his kids stay regularly. I guess ‘extra’ maintenance is from whatever money he has (which we could do with here in this (our joint) household)

OP posts:
Grilly · 07/01/2024 13:43

When you say you don’t have enough money each month, is it that you’re struggling to pay for the basics, or you’d like more money as a household for things like holidays and days out?

Can you boost your own income?

Unfortunately your ex’s behaviour isn’t your partner or his children’s responsibility, but I can see why it’d be frustrating that he’s sending all he can elsewhere whilst his ex’s standard of living is higher than yours and his.

TinyYellow · 07/01/2024 13:45

It’s not his ex’s fault that your ex is crap at providing for his children. Your problem is with him, not her.

InAPickle12345 · 07/01/2024 13:50

If he's paying his half of the bills, I really don't see that you have a right to have an issue.

His child maintenance arrangement really has nothing to do with you as long as he's paying his share of bills, and the fact that your ex is shit has nothing to do with his ex.

You sound jealous and resentful and I really wouldn't bring this up with him. Essentially how it will come across is that you want to take money from his children to benefit you because your ex is shit. You chose to have children with your ex so unfortunately, this is you issue. Not his, his ex's and definitely not his children's.

Grilly · 07/01/2024 14:36

It’s not necessarily as clear-cut. OP took a pay decrease to move to where her partner is, presumably because this facilitates contact with his children. If she’s now realising that her and her children’s quality of life is lower (whereas presumably her partner now has more spare cash - to send to his ex) then she needs to have a conversation with him about evening it out, or move back.

It’s not about OP taking money from her SC but about making the situation work for everyone involved.

InAPickle12345 · 07/01/2024 14:40

Grilly · 07/01/2024 14:36

It’s not necessarily as clear-cut. OP took a pay decrease to move to where her partner is, presumably because this facilitates contact with his children. If she’s now realising that her and her children’s quality of life is lower (whereas presumably her partner now has more spare cash - to send to his ex) then she needs to have a conversation with him about evening it out, or move back.

It’s not about OP taking money from her SC but about making the situation work for everyone involved.

She's a grown woman who made the decision to move, she presumably knew what the bills would be in the new house before moving and knew that her new job was going to bring a decrease in pay. If she wasn't happy about it, she shouldn't have moved. Why should her DP, his ex and his children financially pay for the fact that she's now not happy with the arrangement she willingly went into?

arethereanyleftatall · 07/01/2024 14:42

I think you're looking at this the wrong way.

Your fiancé is generous to both his ex AND to you. Double the CM payable, good for him, and happily supports 50/50 in a household where he is only really responsible for 1 of the 4.

So you are both benefiting from your fiancés generosity already.

Your actual problem is firstly with your ex - why doesn't he pay? And maybe you might need to also look your own way if you need more money. How were you suppprting your children before your fiancée came along and offered to half?

Grilly · 07/01/2024 14:47

InAPickle12345 · 07/01/2024 14:40

She's a grown woman who made the decision to move, she presumably knew what the bills would be in the new house before moving and knew that her new job was going to bring a decrease in pay. If she wasn't happy about it, she shouldn't have moved. Why should her DP, his ex and his children financially pay for the fact that she's now not happy with the arrangement she willingly went into?

Show quote history

Maybe she didn’t realise how much her partner sends to his ex. It sounds like it isn’t a set amount, but double CMS levels PLUS variable extras. If her partner can’t afford to go halves on takeaways or days out or stuff for the house because he’s sent all his spare money to his ex, that wouldn’t work for me either.

OP has three options:

a) accept it
b) talk to her partner and work out a change
c) move back.

She isn’t stuck with a) if it doesn’t work for her.

excelledyourself · 07/01/2024 14:54

What's changed? Are you living in what was already his house? Or somewhere completely new?

If it's his existing house, I don't understand how he suddenly has less money, and can't afford to do the things you did when living separately, if you're paying towards bills.

Is he giving his ex more now than he was previously?

InAPickle12345 · 07/01/2024 14:54

@Grilly - but how much he sends to his ex is nothing to do with her as long as he's paying his half of the bills, which she says he is. AND he's also paying half of her children's costs as well if he's paying 50% of the bills.

This just reads as pure jealousy, resentment and wanting to claw back money he provides for his children for herself and her children.

InAPickle12345 · 07/01/2024 14:55

excelledyourself · 07/01/2024 14:54

What's changed? Are you living in what was already his house? Or somewhere completely new?

If it's his existing house, I don't understand how he suddenly has less money, and can't afford to do the things you did when living separately, if you're paying towards bills.

Is he giving his ex more now than he was previously?

She doesn't say anything has changed, or that he can't do the things they used to do when living separately???

excelledyourself · 07/01/2024 15:06

Well OP's not always lived with him, so there's your first change.

He managed all his bills before, on his own. Now, together, it's apparently a struggle. There's your second change.

And she compares them to the ex in terms of holidays etc. If they couldn't afford that before, then it's not news to her since they moved in together, unless he's increased his maintenance as a result.

I'm simply asking for a bit more detail.

Grilly · 07/01/2024 15:09

InAPickle12345 · 07/01/2024 14:54

@Grilly - but how much he sends to his ex is nothing to do with her as long as he's paying his half of the bills, which she says he is. AND he's also paying half of her children's costs as well if he's paying 50% of the bills.

This just reads as pure jealousy, resentment and wanting to claw back money he provides for his children for herself and her children.

It reads to me like her partner is impulsive and bad with money.

I wouldn’t choose to be in a relationship with a man who paid 50% of the bills but voluntarily never had any money left over for date nights, holidays, birthday presents, decorating the bathroom, savings, a household emergency fund, meals out with the family etc. A relationship - and a life - shouldn’t just be about covering the household costs and existing (unless that’s all both partners can afford).

InAPickle12345 · 07/01/2024 15:10

@excelledyourself I see what you mean, and apologies if my message came across rude, definitely not intended that way. I just didn't see where the OP has said there has been a major change in the things they did and life they lived prior to moving in together.

But you're totally correct in asking what has changed for further contact.

FloofCloud · 07/01/2024 15:18

I think he's sorted his family out and has done the right thing by them. It's unfair to ask for change IMO but I'm still married to kids dad so it's easy for me as money isn't split out... personally I'd have been really miffed of my dad cut my money as a child because of a new family (not that my dad would pay anything for me then because he was like your ex)

roarrfeckingroar · 07/01/2024 15:18

His arrangement is a decent one. More men should be like him. Don't be that woman who takes away from children who pre dated your relationship.

Original poster
NeedaBreakPlz · 07/01/2024 15:22

I mean the bills - not extras like holidays

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore · 07/01/2024 15:22

You've made your choice now so there isn't much you can do.

What was your reason for moving in with him?

Needtogrowsproutsfordecember · 07/01/2024 15:24

Did you lose any benefits when he moved in op?

Original poster
NeedaBreakPlz · 07/01/2024 15:25

We had to move out of family home quickly due to DV. I moved in with family with the kids. I’ve been trying to rebuild my life for me and the kids since then.

OP posts:
Grilly · 07/01/2024 15:27

NeedaBreakPlz · 07/01/2024 15:22

I mean the bills - not extras like holidays

If he’s not even paying the agreed 50% of the bills because he’s sending all his money to his ex then of course you need to raise it to him. I wouldn’t even mention his ex, just work out the amount and ask him to transfer it to you when he gets paid.

Otherwise you’re subsidising the amount he’s so generously sending away.

InAPickle12345 · 07/01/2024 15:27

And has there been any change in the way that you and your DP are living your lives OP? As in, you used to go on holidays, date nights, weekends away and that is no longer happening?

Original poster
NeedaBreakPlz · 07/01/2024 15:28

I moved in with him (new place for both of us) and yes I lost my tax credits.

OP posts:
InAPickle12345 · 07/01/2024 15:29

NeedaBreakPlz · 07/01/2024 15:28

I moved in with him (new place for both of us) and yes I lost my tax credits.

Okay, but you knew you would lose your tax credits so should have budgeted for that.

Is there a change in the lifestyle you and your partner had when you were not living together? Has there been an increase in maintenance payments to the ex since you moved in?