To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

I've been reading this thread for a few days.

Take the title away, would you put up with the behaviour from anyone else? Blood/marriage doesn't override everything. It's why people go NC with parents and siblings. The OP shouldn't have to put up with it just because it's her husbands child. Wouldn't put up with it from a friend would they?

Been there. Also didn't tolerate it.

Who says she doesn’t have empathy? It sounds like she’s had it for years tbh. Empathy has its limits, especially if someone is behaving abusively towards you. Where is the empathy for OP though? For her daughter, who is also her husband’s child?

Only the husband knows what his feelings are. Considering OP was and is quite prepared for him to leave if he takes issue with her decision, I’m not sure that him not being happy about it is her most pressing f concern.

@Chocolatebuttonns @Dontcallmescarface a parent's natural instinct is to protect their child. That's why OP's husband finds himself in this situation. It WILL affect how he feels though. It's really hard to love somebody who hates the most precious thing in your life.

For those of you who have full siblings of different ages, are the older ones banned from your home if they're abusive to your younger children? I suspect not. How do you deal with it?

@Chocolatebuttonns it's when the parental bond is absent that actions are actually taken though. I've lost count of the times I've seen siblings knocking crap out of each other while their parents turn a blind eye. Sibling on sibling abuse should be recognised for the serious issue it is, but I've yet to see the older child carted off unless it's a step children situation.

Blood ties are strong. Parental love often survives the most heinous crimes.

I mean fuck me I have seen people excuse abuse in families.

But ultimately they always gone on to abuse more because the family just went oh him it's because of x and did nothing.

Regardless of op being a step parent - I absolutely would not accept my child being harmed. Even if it was by their sibling but as a mother I have the prerogative to get the abuser help.

Ops only option was to protect her young child, and her dh I don't doubt has some feelings on his nearly 17 year olds actions towards their half siblings who is a small child. Personally if I was in her dh shoes I wouldn't be focused my outrage on my wife protecting my youngest from my eldest. I would be focused on wtf went wrong that my child of 17 abused an infant regularly and mum wasn't on the same page in getting it addressed I would assume that mum condoned it.

I used to hope these people were in the minority, this thread has been fucking eye opening in terms of how many people excuse abuse of a small kid.

👏🏽

It's laughable the way your trying to give advice.
Any woman with any sense would run a mile from becoming a SM in the first place.I
I couldn't imagine anything worse.

Ask yourself, could you love someone who hates your child?

I would ask myself why they hate my child. If it’s because my child is an abuser then I would take a long hard look at myself and my child and think no wonder this person hates my child. And if it was at that point then I don’t think I would have the right to be in a relationship anyway.

OP’s husband seems to think he can get on with life as normal. But he’s got quite a complex situation going on with his eldest and he also has a younger child to protect too, so he won’t be having a normal life any time soon. He shouldn’t be making the way OP feels about his kid, all about himself. This isn’t a sweet innocent child who Op hates for no reason so he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

I'm not making excuses for sibling abuse, having grown up with older siblings where absolutely f-all was done about it, I can both empathise and sympathise with the situation.

It should be treated seriously. It's not though is it? The only time action is taken is where there's no parental bond.

Perhaps that's just because sibling on sibling abuse can only flourish in households where all the parents are shit parents who don't take it seriously. Which is pretty terrible really.

In blended families we can have situations like this one where useless parents haven't nipped the abuser's behaviour in the bud, but a step parent, while not able to have enough influence to teach the DSC better behaviour, is willing to push back against the consequences of living with a bullying teen. Personally, I think it's absolutely correct for the OP to have put herself and her DC first in this situation.

And there's also the added complication with nuclear families in that kicking out an abusive dysfunctional teen would often make them homeless, unlike in this situation where the DSC still has a family home to live in.

In the previous post op husband had tried to get dsd help but mum flat out refused it and baring kidnapping you cannot force a 17 into therapy. The police I believe were involved as were other services and given this post I imagine that op took the advice she was given by them.

I also believe the police were called when dsd and her mother jointly stepped up the anty re their actions. I could be wrong but I believe op was the one to ask for leniency for her dsd in that regard. Which given what took place ..I thought was far too kind and certainly not born of a hatred of her dsd and born out of kindness given the situation and speaks to ops character in only a positive way (not that I expect anyone calling op names to acknowledge this)

If it was me and my child experienced one 10th of the abuse her child and she did for existing. I wouldn't have been so kind.. but you can only be kind so much before actually you go fuck that.

And that's exactly what op did and to her I commend.

If being a stepmom is not for you then YOU walk away.
You chose to be a stepmom the child did not choose to be a stepchild.

He did nothing as he was afraid the ex would alienate his child from him.
Instead you did that.

Well done.

Every angry adult stepchild’s motto. ^^

@Chocolatebuttonns
She chose to be a stepmother.
Her husband did nothing about the abuse as he was scared of losing his child.
The OP has banned his child from the house
Her partner has been walked over by everyone.
The OP has finally won.

What a prize of a spineless partner and father.

The child had no choice in any of this.

Whose fault do you think this is?

Have you got the other thread @namechangnancy ? Can you post it here for clarity?

I've never seen a full sibling removed from their home because of bullying. I have seen and been victim to myself it in my childhood. My best friend at school being the eldest was absolutely f'king brutal to her own little brother for daring to be born, severe psychological and physical abuse was meted out daily. Our mutual teen friend who had 3 younger siblings did not have the same vitriol but nevertheless battered them when they broke her things or got on her nerves.

I've witnessed the same repeated behaviour in every family I know who has more than one child and I've seen parents try to deal with it in various ways. Those thick enough to think smacking will teach kids not to smack others through to those who preach kind hands and "how would you feel if someone did that to you?" pacification. Both methods seem equally useless to be fair.

And what a great choice of father for your own child.
I would choose a man that put his children first.