When your SKs (19 & 14) of 8.5 years…

[ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott]

When your SKs (19 & 14) of 8.5 years drop off a bag of presents with 4 gifts in and you assume it’s one each for their dad, you, and your 2 kids but then find out it’s 4 gifts for their dad…

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott God YES, the cavalier and unappreciative attitude towards DH who strives to be a properly good, present, not at all Disney Dad drives me DEMENTED. Have a glass of fizz... I'm on my second bottle! 🍾

Very hurtful! We haven't had so much of a text this year. My dh is not a Disney dad and has been a fantastic dad putting time and effort into his now young adult. He gives so much yet Sc has decided that has been controlling and cut us all off. Tbh after the things that they've said I never want a text or card or gift again, my dh on the other hand is heartbroken

Did your kids buy gifts for DH’s kids? It doesn’t sound like they did. Your oldest and DHs youngest are about the same age yet you seem to only have expectations for DHs kids when it comes to gift buying for step siblings.

You haven’t done the time and work and build the relationship that leads to seeing you as a gift recipient. They aren’t celebrating Christmas at your house either. Makes sense they buy for the people they are celebrating with.

@saffronsoup it’s clear you’ve not read my replies and are making up your own narrative here. You couldn’t be more wrong.

@saffronsoup they’re not celebrating with their mum either… does that mean she isn’t worthy of a gift?

She said they did....? It just sounds like they've missed her off the card and present list. As much as anyone tries to play this down it's a shitty thing to do.

Did your DH give his kids some money and dedicate some time with them to take them to the shops to pick out a gift for you and your kids?
For an adult who works full time and has managed to buy gifts for everyone else? Why would he have to baby an adult child?

Seriously? You think 14 is too young to have consideration for other family members?

I once forgot my DSM bday. So she didn't get anything for mine. I never forgot again. I'd recommend the same. My kids and step kids have never forgotten. Not even when really small.

Same situation here OP, although I’ve only realised this now whilst reading your thread. It was too busy with the family around for Xmas and I never noticed but yes.. no presents from the DSC. I don’t know yet how I feel about it, I’m not hurt, just think that my decision to step right back earlier in the year and let DH do all the parenting has now been justified.
I’m going to focus 100% on my own dc and feel good about it. DH can sort them out when they are here next.

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott What a shitty thing to do! As I child I was thought that its rude to give a present to one person in the household and ignore the others. So maybe at 14 we could excuse this, but the 14 y.o was with the adult one, so the adult one could have bought a gift from both of them. NO EXCUSES!

My SD is not the most thoughtful girl out there. I only see her EOW or less and I no longer have the opportunity to do much for her. Her mother doesnt like me, my DH doesnt care about gifts, so I was also hurt seeing her buying gifts for her family or friends (after getting a nice Xmas and bday gift from me) or congratulating her mothers boyfriend with fathers day, but forgetting congratulating me with mothers day (and Ive known her longer and took care of her when she was younger and was coming more often).

But as of 16, she surprised me with bringing me token gifts from her trips and last Xmas, and she just texted me to say that she has a fun gift for us (I guess one for the family, but she doesnt work, so its a nice thought). I know that nobody promted her.

So in your case, when you do even more for them than I do, its clearly selfishness. So I would also not get her a gift for her bday (what a nerve she has to send you links to expensive gifts for herself!). I dont believe in giving and giving and just hoping that one day the person starts appreciating it by themselves. Sometimes there should be consequences and if they continue not caring, at least it hurts less. My adult step sons dont congratulate me with my bday (or any other day), I stopped doing it too. They want us to be like strangers, let be it.

Don't just ignore her birthday and not send the links. It's petty and you are currently in the right. Start point-scoring and you aren't.

I'd reply to the emails with birthday links and be honest. "Hi Eldest SD, you know I'd normally be the one organising and sorting your birthday. I was hurt at Christmas that you didn't get me anything, especially after I was the one giving you a lift to buy for other people. If you've decided we're not doing presents, that's fine. I suggest you send the links to your dad. Take care."

@MrsTerryPratchett you’re right, and despite everything I will always try to behave better than that.

I will message SD19 and tell her to send the links/gift ideas to her dad. But I am not contributing any time, effort, or money personally to her birthday presents.

Thank you everyone for your advice and words of comfort. I hope you’ve all
had a lovely Christmas Day 🥲

Oh I think that's fine and proportionate. It's the way you do it that's important... And being an adult and modelling assertive communication, boundaries and calm is actually a present for both of you!

If you communicate effectively, maybe she'll rethink, or explain or do something else. What she won't get to do is thoughtlessly carry on.

Op - @MrsTerryPratchett wording has nailed it use this !

And of course you're not being unreasonable by being hurt by this. If you had any other title other than sm and had posted similar most people wouldn't be bending over to justify this and would have compassion for you.

People are really weird about blended families and seem to think it means you can't politely call out unkind behaviour .

I grew up in one and this type of behaviour would have never flown in my family. Maybe they did forget and it wasn't deliberate but I would still call it out.

I’ve been a step-mum for 10 years. Every single time we’ve given gifts, DH has had to prompt them to thank me. That’s not a real thank you in my eyes. My DC is the same age as his oldest and always says thank you. In fact, my DC was the only one to even bother to purchase him a present this year.

No I don't agree with this. A 19 year old is an adult, albeit a young one, but perfectly capable of understanding how Christmas works. A gesture at the least is appropriate.

Sorry I still don’t see the post where your two children went out and bought gifts for your DHs children?

Can you link back to it? I reread all your posts and you say you do the gift buying for your family and all I see is your kids got a token gift for your DH?

You will get support on here because all DHs children are horrible awful children and so any negative and critical post about step children by a step mother gets a ton of praise.

At 14 or 19 I certainly wasn't being organised and bankrolled to do Christmas shopping! I went about it myself. My two u12s this year were brought into town but otherwise did their own shopping, on a tiny budget for the others in family, it's not too much to expect from teenagers. I don't blame you a bit for being upset OP. What has happened in previous years? I'd say something I think. I get some are saying SKs have it tough, but in your case these SKs were part brought up and nurtured by you, of course it's hurtful.

For the benefit of @saffronsoup , please see the answer to your question in the middle paragraph of the OPs second post. It’s actually irrelevant whether it’s a token gift or not , it strikes me that the OP would have been happy with a token gift .

@saffronsoup you’ve clearly got an issue with reading and comprehension so I’ve copied end pasted below.

yes I get my kids to get each other and their step siblings a little gift for Christmas and birthdays. And I always either go halves on expensive presents with DH so they can get something bigger or I buy them something solely from me & my kids

I’ve always done this so they know I care. Ahhh well

enjoy your SM bashing

@saffronsoup you have issues. You’ve skim read my posts, not paid any attention to the content, made up an entire narrative in your head that doesn’t exist and it comes across quite unhinged to be honest.

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott I've got my devil head on

Your DH got you a gift from SDs that they know nothing about? Send lavish thank you texts....

Let her stew on that

Then later if any mention is made of her bday / gifts, calmly and pleasantly say you were very hurt by her behaviour to you at Cmas and have assumed that's what she wants going forward