When your SKs (19 & 14) of 8.5 years…

[ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott]

When your SKs (19 & 14) of 8.5 years drop off a bag of presents with 4 gifts in and you assume it’s one each for their dad, you, and your 2 kids but then find out it’s 4 gifts for their dad…

I can see why you are hurt and don't want to minimise it but a 14yr old really needs guidance/finance from her parents regarding gifts. It would be unusual for her mum to do this but your DH really should have stepped up and, at the very least, asked if the 14yr old needed any help (and therefore putting an expectation into her head). This is a DH parenting problem, not a 14yr old SK problem.

I hope your day gets better

I think it's okay to feel disappointed in your stepchildren, who may not be very likeable at present. They might improve as they get older....

I can see why you're upset. What has DH said? And more importantly what is he going to say to them?

So he got you gifts on behalf of his step kids? What's the issue or are you pissed off with the adult sd?

Not thinking of you and your DC is a parenting failure. Those lessons should be long established at this point.

Look to the parents and not just the mum, they have a dad.

If its the first year whose been responsible before for gifts?

@PrimalOwl10 DH bought me a collection of gifts and labelled them as being from all the kids collectively, SDs do not know this though. DH has also given them money to get Christmas gifts as have I, mostly SD14 and she happily bought gifts for mum’s new boyfriend and didn’t think to even get me a card.

And yes I am pissed off with my adult SD because I feel she’s been incredibly thoughtless but very happy to take take take from me.

Her birthday is in January and she’s been sending me links to some pretty expensive gifts she wants. She’s not a kid, she’s an adult woman with a full time job. She is capable of thinking of others and having the maturity to budget and buy gifts for non-family members. Just not me apparently.

To put it into perspective, they bought mum’s boyfriend a shirt from All Saints (£60ish) and his kid got a doll she wanted. I’d have been happy with a £5 box of chocolates or some fluffy socks. It’s the lack of thought that hurts.

@muchalover no it’s not the first year, adult SD bought gifts last year out of her own pocket and SD (13 at the time) was given £XX to get gifts for whomever she wanted to.

That’s how we do it with my kids too, here’s £XX you can pick and buy something for nan/dad/mum/stepmum etc.

Erm no. One is NINETEEN.

I'm fairly sure a 19 year old can work out that it will upset their half siblings/step siblings.

That's really unkind I think- the presents and the card.

I wouldn't be getting her a birthday present and I'd be happy, politely, to explain why.

Your DH should be having a few very clear words with both of them.

This ⬆️. Sorry @op. I'd be upset too, at both my step children for missing me out of the equation, and at my dp for not checking and (if required) facilitating.

As stepparents many of us do a huge amount for our step children. I'd be gutted if there wasn't at least a token present.

Sorry OP, but have you said whether you got them something? Or whether your kids got them something?

I also think if you have presents which are meant to be from them, even if organized by your DH, this muddies the waters. Maybe your DH said they didn't need to get for you because he took care of it already?

I also think it's different for your kids to get a present for your DH, as I assume he lives full time with your kids.....

I'm sorry you are feeling hurt though, I can understand that, especially when you are doing a lot for them.

Exactly, I had my first child at 19 and was independently studying for my degree, arranging childcare, working and also managed to get my.family, including my step mum, Christmas presents. The 14 year old I can accept would be rubbish, but the 19 year old has no excuse

That's really rude. Their Dad should have a word.
Getting presents for the new boyfriend is just salt in the wound isn't it!
My SC (and DH) have had a few thoughtless moments too over the years and frankly I have let them know when I was upset. I threw an absolute strop one Christmas when my Mum had bought both of the older kids and DH (DP then) gifts and none of them had even got a token one in return - it wasn't the first Christmas we had been together either so there really was no excuse. Christmas dinner was very frosty...

Did your kids get them a gift?

@lap90 and @financialcareerstuff yes I always get my kids to get each other and their step siblings a little gift for Christmas and birthdays. And I always either go halves on expensive presents with DH so they can get something bigger or I buy them something solely from me & my kids.

I’ve always done this so they know I care. Ahhh well.

I think it's pretty poor behaviour from them then tbh.

Well moving forward , now you know how they want to play it don’t bother , just let their father get them presents . It’s nice to be the better person and just move on and carry on but all that shows your own children is that it’s ok to be treated like a doormat .

That's horrible, no wonder you feel crap about it I can't believe some are trying to justify it.

I think I'd be replying to the links your SD is sending with a message saying tp send them to Dad as apparently you two bo longer bother with gifts.

That's really hurtful @ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott and you're totally justified. If any consolation my DSD similarly thoughtless. I know what they've got me for Christmas because my DH asked what I wanted from them, bought it after I sent a link and has wrapped it. They've done sod all 🤷🏻‍♀️ similar ages too. Just means nothing. I'm stepping right back going forward!

@harriethoyle I’m sorry you’re in a similar position. My DH tries to save my feelings being hurt and has done everything he can to encourage them to be kind to me, but to be honest they’re not very kind to him most of the time either.

I'm sorry to hear this, it sounds like a deliberate omission, rather than just thoughtless or careless, especially since you dropped them off for Christmas shopping.

At least you know what to do with those links she's been sending you for her birthday presents!

@Starseeking I do pretty much all the gift buying/organising for our family… I’m not purchasing her a single thing for her burger nor will I pass the messages and links on to DH to buy them.

She’ll be expecting me to, but I’m going to ignore the messages and DH is on his own with this monetarily as I will no longer be contributing towards an adult woman’s presents who disregards me. I honestly feel done.

Birthday not burger

I'd be ignoring her birthday present list if I were you. She's definitely old enough to know better and people can make excuses for this type of behaviour but it's just shitty.

Sadly so so selfish.Very hurtful I am sure.Ignore the birthday list and save your money for your own children.Maybe one day they will think of all you did for them .Enjoy your Christmas.