When your SKs (19 & 14) of 8.5 years…

[ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott]

When your SKs (19 & 14) of 8.5 years drop off a bag of presents with 4 gifts in and you assume it’s one each for their dad, you, and your 2 kids but then find out it’s 4 gifts for their dad…

That would sting, but at that age they don't think without guidance.

I think it’s very rude. They are both old enough to have considered the whole family. Even if they don’t have much money, a small gift would suffice to show they thought about it.
My dd is 14 and has put a lot of effort into finding gifts for all the family. She had a budget and worked with that. 19? That’s an adult.
Your dh needs to have words..

Maybe they assume they are still named on gifts for siblings with you guys and on their dads gifts to you. So really they are just saving you from buying gifts from them.

Stepkids get a raw deal. My dd get their dad something,they don't get their step mum because she is awful to them. They have three brothers and sisters with two different families (dad on third marriage) they never see second family kids so don't get them anything. They do get their little brother who lives with their dad. Plus they get each other, us our other child. That's a lot for young adults.

How come they’re only dropping off presents instead of opening them together when they receive their presents from their Dad?

Because all families are different and have different plans for Christmas.

I think step kids also have a raw deal are they expected to get mam, dad, step father, 2 sets of siblings and potentially grandparents. Ds choose to get me and my dh and our dc gifts they were of small value I gave him the money. He didn't get his dads side at 15. Its up to his dad to give him the money to get them. As an adult I wouldn't expect him to get 8 presents alone, especially if he had his own family aswell.

To be clear, I wouldn’t have cared but my eldest stepdaughter is an adult who has been in full time employment for 2 years and has made a big deal out of buying her mum’s boyfriend of 2 years and his child a present. Eldest SD even got little gifts for her cousins, so you can see why this stings 😔

My kids aged 9 & 13 got something (unprompted by me) for my DH, their stepdad. They are also stepkids.

It is just incredibly hurtful knowing I’ve either been forgotten about or deliberately disregarded. I do so much for them, a box of chocolates or something wouldn’t exactly have broken the bank.

Christmas card also just says “To Dad”.

What's your relationship like with her generally?..

@FloweryName I’m not sure to be honest, they were on their way out to dinner with their mum which is probably why they didn’t stay. DH is seeing them today for a while (their choice), they had the option to have Christmas dinner with us but have chosen to go to their aunt’s.

@Whattodo112222 it was good whilst she was growing up, but mum is in a relatively new relationship and pregnant, and we’ve noticed them distancing themselves from us.

They’re very money driven… I was once the most well off in their family and they’ve been happy to take, but mum’s new boyfriend is considerably more wealthy and appears to be flavour of the month now.

These are kids who I’ve cared for when they’ve been sick, provided for when their parents have been unable, treated kindly and lovingly for nearly a decade.

I can’t pretend this hasn’t hurt me.

Of course but if they’re not having present opening together then it‘s a nice thing that teenagers came over to deliver presents for their Dad especially when one of them is only 14. Seems harsh to be disappointed in them for not bringing step mum and siblings presents too. At 14, it’s the Dad’s job to support the present buying for his wife and her children, be disappointed in him.

Did your DH give his kids some money and dedicate some time with them to take them to the shops to pick out a gift for you and your kids?

If not, then the fault lies with him.

Presumably your SKs bought presents for the people that they live with full time? Maybe their mum took them to the shops and helped them pick out/pay for a gift for their step dad?

Children that age don't have endless amounts of money to buy gifts and the younger ones may not have had the opportunity to get to the shops without the help of a parent; this is on your DH, he should be close enough to them to be having conversations with them about what they're gifting you and help them achieve that.

You have a DH problem (& yes, I would say the same thing if they were your DC and not your DSC).

@FloweryName they managed to get presents for mum’s boyfriend and his kid.

Eldest is 19 and took the 14 year old Christmas shopping on Friday where they purchased gifts for even some extended family members… I know because it was me who drove them to the next city over for them to shop and even made sure the youngest had plenty of cash to get people gifts.

My DH has obviously bought presents for me and my own kids have managed to do it on their own (9 & 13) and a little token gift for DH, who is their stepdad.

@Ju1ieAndrews nope, they do not live with mum’s boyfriend or his child.

Adult SD has in the region of a £1k a month disposable income as she pays no bills in either household and isn’t saving any of it. There really is no excuse.

People will twist themselves inside out on here to try and tell you why you should not be hurt by this, and that you should smile and try harder to support and understand your SC.
You are totally justified to feel hurt, it sounds like you have been purposefully ignored and after Christmas your husband should be having a serious conversation with this young adult and teenager.
Try to move on from it for now and enjoy your day.

Wow, that is grim. Sorry OP. Sod them and have a fabulous Christmas anyway.

That’s really shit OP and I can understand why you’re upset. Unfortunately your step kids are at peak selfish age and are as you correctly identified, more interested in buying the approval of their mother’s new partner. They already have yours.
As someone who has been in the same situation my advice would be:-
Firstly, hope that in a few years time they will be mature enough to appreciate all the love and support you’ve given them when they were children.
Secondly buy yourself the fab Christmas gift so you get something lovely too (don’t put it under the tree though, that would be weird 😂)

I would definitely notice. Perhaps its something for the New Year. You could say, that you understood that sometimes people want to scale down the gifts, but it was a surprise not to be included the card. You had thought of them as part of your family. Perhaps as they grow up they are revising their ideas about what family is. Isbthat something they want to talk about?

Absolutely 100% this.
I'm so sorry you've been so hurt OP. I would be gutted too.
Try and enjoy your Christmas but make sure your DH deals with it after

Unfortunately your step kids are at peak selfish age and are as you correctly identified, more interested in buying the approval of their mother’s new partner. They already have yours

You know what, that’s a positive way of looking at it. Thank you, I was feeling very sad and tearful but this actually made me feel a bit better.

Ok, so it's unfair that your eldest SK didn't get you a present when she has thought of others.

But don't parentify her and make the younger kids purchases her issue, and don't expect her to sort all the gifts because she's female.

My point still stands that your DH should have set aside time and money to take your SKs shopping for a present for you. Or at the very minimum asked them what they wanted to get you and ordered it for them online.

Why didn't HE do the present shopping with HIS kids for HIS wife? This is not a task for the eldest sibling to arrange &/or pay for.

I agree it's on your dh to facilitate getting gifts on your dc behalf. It sounds like the older buys for people she is closest with. Her dm might have given her money to get those gifts for her step father. As I said when does it stop she could go on forever.

With your further explanations I can totally understand why that hurts. Sometimes a lot is expected of step parents.

I think this is your husband too. Especially with the 14 year old. 100% on your husband.

@Ju1ieAndrews he has got gifts for me “from the kids” but I know they literally had nothing to do with them… well my kids did, but my stepkids couldn’t be bothered.

I’m not parentifying my eldest SD, but I know they went shopping together for everyone else and didn’t think of me, it makes me feel pretty crappy.

No, BM didn’t take them shopping for her boyfriend, they bought those gifts on the trip I took them on.