What do you have in common with the ex wife?

[Stepmumptsd]

Same man will attract similar people right?

I was once consumed with animosity towards the ex, even if I didn’t show it.

Then i had therapy and realised the exw traits I hated were things I had too. They are:

Codependency and the urge to fix everyone (but myself) resulting in anger when I don’t get to fix things my way. The ex is stuck in late stage codependency, still clinging to superiority/victimhood. I’m learning my patterns after recognising my condition.

Poverty mindset (leads to resentment about money going to ex even though there is enough to go around).

Both work in helping professions (see codependency above).

Both highly educated with a lot of friends. In another life may have even be friends.

You may think you have nothing in common with the ex and perhaps don’t. But I found this was a useful exercise to generate empathy. Woman still hates me of course 😂

Me and DP's ex are quite similar in regards to how we grew up I spose; both from large families, chaotic households, wanting freedom quite young. But I feel our personalities are quite different.
I've never really read too much into it. I think she's pretty lovely in a way, and a great Mum to their children; they're also at a stage now where they have a friendship (however minimal) too which is great! Makes everything so much easier (especially for the kids).

We both have dark hair.

that’s it. I’m the polar opposite. She’s lazy, I’m not. She didn’t like working, I have a successful career, she was obsessed with the kids, I’m more independent ( and so are they!) she had a friend they did everything with and never did anything just the two of them, i much prefer our time as a couple. I’m more outgoing and chatty. She is a homebod and I love to travel and explore. I value education, she values herself over the education of her kids.

We come from very different economic backgrounds really, and we still live worlds apart in relation to class and income ( especially now she doesn’t have his income to spend). Her family is absolutely working class and she has no aspirations or ambitions , whereas I’ve really worked hard for the life I have now.

Should add, I’ve never spoken to her. This is my perception of her ( how her behaviours come across and things I’ve learned ) She’s only ever been nasty and rude about me, but she really isn’t my type of person at all.

We look similar but that's as far as it goes. She's calculating, cold and very very sly and manipulative, all things that I dearly hope I'm not.

It really threw me when my ExH served me the script and promptly moved in with OW who also;

• Played board games
• Liked fancy dress events (think pirate weekends)
• Liked going to museums
• Rode horses
• Dressed similarly to me

It threw me because he said our life was boring, we didn't do things he enjoyed. Then she appeared to do the same things we did with him.

The difference was she was a heavy drinker and I wasn't.

This was 10 years ago now. I'm reconciled to the fact that our marriage wasn't working, we weren't compatible and I wish them happiness. I'm also happily married to someone who has similar traits to my ExH, but doesn't drink 😁

It’s extraordinary that you’d write this long essay and end it with the fact you’ve never met the woman

@theduchessofspork

Of course people have loved to tell me all about her! My mother in law particularly. Friends of his. And you do pick up lots of stuffs.

A PP said she hopes they are not alike because she’s horrible and I guess that’s where I am! I have looked for differences because I would really hate to be anything like her! Her behaviours continue to be absolutely vile for the most part.

( also. Thanks for picking up on this in proper Mn fashion rather than just answering the OPs actually thread! )

All that contempt and psychoanalysis of someone you've never met? I think you need the number of OP's therapist.

Your class hatred is showing, by the way.

I am the ex , ex dp and I haven’t been in contact for nearly 20 years , but his new partner and I have literally nothing in common . I am tall and slim , she is shorter with a different build , I am reserved, she is more outgoing. I don’t feel empathy for her as she was the ow .

Again, it’s so boring with the people that come over here to judge. Answer the OP or please sod off, this is her thread and you’re ruining it.

Also, good. I have no aspiration to be a chav like her and I’m glad I’ve made a better life.

My xh has married another version of me

I like her. She's a really good step mum.

She's probably a bit more sensible and strict but I think this dynamic works for them as he's a bit useless.

Oh yeah I've never met the OW either. Gleaned from FB post stalking! Luckily we didn't have children so I've never had to meet her

I've never met her but from the impression I get, I guess we can both be a bit pessimistic by nature? Also DP says we both think what we think and nothing will change our minds, but I think that says more about the kind of thing he says to try and change our minds than anything.

But I don't hate her or struggle to empathise with her, she's keeps herself to herself and has never been a big issue to me.

We don’t have much in common at all but she’s a lot like my husbands mum in personality & outlook on life, both the negative and positive. Both are very controlling & easy to escalate into rage, both struggle very badly if they aren’t in charge of every situation or if something isn’t done the way they would do it, they are both prone to spiteful outbursts & struggle to maintain friendships & relationships with family (outside of work colleagues where they mask things better). Which is upsetting for both because neither of them can understand why, neither can see the parts they’ve played. But both of them are kind and thoughtful women, they’re both nurses and regardless of what they put friends and family through at times they have both been a huge support to their friend groups especially when losing their relatives in covid & definitely both of them really step up to help people out at that sort of time. Both women are definitely the type of woman that their friends can lean on in a crisis, they seem to come to life when things are dreadful whereas some people would keep their distance not knowing what to do. Conversations with both are difficult, you have to be very stoic and expect things to turn bitchy quite quickly if they’ve had even a thimble of wine. Or not, it doesn’t take much for the insults to come out. They’ve recently become friends again after years of despising each other & it’s quite nice, instead of bitching to me they bitch to each other about me instead, & it’s been like a peaceful little holiday not hearing from them so much.

12.5 stone of sometimes useless DH!
I am very tempted to occassionally ask her whether she can have him back (although she'd laugh and definitely say no!) ExW and I get on well, sometimes better than DH and I do!

I'm not sure about this one, as I'm very different from the ex-W and DP is very different from my ex-H. However we both experienced control and emotional abuse in our previous marriages, so perhaps that is why.

Wow. You've swallowed the whole "me ex is a ...."
you've never met her!
You also come across as a special sort of snob.
If you were her you would a written that you were a career obsessed snob who prioritised herself over the kids.

I have met her. But she refuses to speak to me. Her behaviour is vile. You really have no idea how it can be. Just immediate to judge others on a board that you probably don’t even belong. There are a few posters on here that haven’t met the ex either.

again thanks for replying to me and not the OP.

I don’t care if I sound like a snob. I’ve made a great life ( are you jealous , because I know she is - she’s told my husband!) And I don’t prioritise myself, if anything she does ( refusing to move to access good schools etc, living in a really rough and dangerous area when she had to option to move out ) I’m just also a human individual as well as a mum.

I mean, I would have said no nothing alike. I'm a natural blonde with annoyingly big natural boobs and she was a petite brunette. However 6 month's after I got with DP she dyed her hair blonde & got a boob job so, maybe I am now 😂You couldn't make this up...

Personality wise no idea. I don't think so but then never met her. In terms of interests we are polar opposites....I'm an active adventurous person who loves horses and she is more into the clubbing scene/city life so we are quite different.

She what?? OMG that’s hilarious 🤣🤣

You’ve got me thinking now as I can’t see any similarities although I do see similarities between her and one of DHs previous girlfriends so maybe there’s something I’m missing.
I would say though that after I had my own DC I understood her a lot better and what it must be like to have your DC be in someone else’s care and why you may then be a bit irrational

We’re the same height. We both have two children and have lost other babies. Think that’s it.

We both have 2 arms and 2 legs. But seriously I think probably the only thing we have in common is we are a similar build. But we do look totally different.

She is the complete opposite to me. She is vindictive, manipulative, selfish and has narcissist traits. I'd like to think I'm not like that.

I care about other people's feelings and am the type of person who if I accidentally bumped into someone with my shopping trolley I would feel guilty for days. She messages people telling them to kill themselves. She used to physically abuse my DH.

I hate conflict and drama, she thrives on it.

I have always worked for everything I have and have been independent from a young age. She has always relied on others to provide her her housing and cars. She was on benefits for 4 years because she claimed she couldn't work due to having kids despite the fact DH had them 50%, they were at school and plenty of single mums manage to work.

She lives her life out on social media including her sex life. I'm a bit more private.

Cooking and baking are my hobby, she can't cook.

I always strive to do what's best for the kids. She uses them as pawns in her game and often get babysitters so she can go out every weekend.

I know lots of people say "the ex is crazy" bla bla bla but she really is a vile person. I honestly don't know what my DH was doing with her as he's such a sweet, hardworking man. His biological mum abused him and the ex wasn't as bad in comparison.

I don't know, I've never met her. Via FB stalking shes physically nothing like me and given her behaviour (abandoning her kids) I'm nothing like her in personality.

Absolutely nothing that I can see. Physically or otherwise. 😀

I have a degree & career, have always worked full time. She gave up work when she thought she might be pregnant and never went back.

She's very alternative, into weird therapies. I'm practical, factual, mainstream.

I concentrate on my job, my home and my family. She's constantly interfering in other people's lives, presumably because she has nothing else to do.

I'm fairly private. She shares the results of her smear on Facebook.

I'm the type who ignores and retreats, she does 'screaming in the street'.

Unsurprisingly, we don't like each other. I have developed supreme grey rock skills as a result😁