What do you have in common with the ex wife?

[Stepmumptsd]

Same man will attract similar people right?

I was once consumed with animosity towards the ex, even if I didn’t show it.

Then i had therapy and realised the exw traits I hated were things I had too. They are:

Codependency and the urge to fix everyone (but myself) resulting in anger when I don’t get to fix things my way. The ex is stuck in late stage codependency, still clinging to superiority/victimhood. I’m learning my patterns after recognising my condition.

Poverty mindset (leads to resentment about money going to ex even though there is enough to go around).

Both work in helping professions (see codependency above).

Both highly educated with a lot of friends. In another life may have even be friends.

You may think you have nothing in common with the ex and perhaps don’t. But I found this was a useful exercise to generate empathy. Woman still hates me of course 😂

Haha @henrysugar12.

I think that everyone who has ever met her hates STBXH’s mum. She is not a nice person.

They weren’t married but I think the only similarity was that we both have dark hair. Other than that we are different heights and builds. Completely different jobs and outlooks as far as I can tell

wow, "Should add, I’ve never spoken to her. This is my perception of her " you never spoke to her but you say she is lazy, she does not value her children's education and other nasty things... I'm speechless..

Actions often speak much louder than words.

Almost nothing apart from being female, but I've met several of DH's ex girlfriends from before his first marriage and I'm very like one of them. I think this is just coincidence because he doesn't appear ever to have had "a type". He's also very different from my first husband apart from having the same (uncommon) blood group and being happy to eat anything that's put on the table in front of him.

I'm the ex wife. My exH partner (who I was with for 21 years) after me. They got together about a year after we split, is a lot like me, same physically (petite, but she is blonde and I'm brunette) similar background and social life. But I knew her for years (friend of a mutual friend). They were together 10yrs. She doesn't have kids but was always very good with mine (6 to 12 at the time) and I was grateful for that, eventually. We were friendly after I'd got over the 'she's taking my place' thinking. They never lived together.
His Current partner, same social background and history as me - we know a lot of the same people from clubbing/ fashion industry etc in London over decades, including many of my close friends. She's also never had kids and is great with mine - now adults 18 and 23. But she's very different to me physically. She's tall, blonde and curvy - I'm the apsolute opposite. Personality wise we are similar - caring, outgoing, sociable, fashionable. She's lovely and I'm pleased that exH is happy as are our adult kids. They don't live together - both own houses in different parts of London.
Me, 12yrs on, I'm with a lovely fella who I used to know decades ago (youth club!). He has a similar history, we have many many people in common (bizarrely his ex MIL is now married to my friend's dad) he's a very lovely guy, as is my exH, but is very different physically to my exH. My exH is very good looking and my current guy would probably be described as 'rugged' and overweight. Think Ray Winstone. He's a London black cab driver and lives up to the stereotype. Cheeky chappy. Gentleman but a geezer. Suits me fine x

We are from a similar place geographically, then moved to London. We both rode horses to a high-ish standard. We both have an interest in interior design. Her behaviour is how I probably secretly wanted to behave during my own divorce, but didn't because I'm a grown up, and I could see it was more important to protect my children from the fall out than attempt to get my own way and play the victim at all costs. She basically follows her first childish impulses-the ones we all probably have but which we control and filter- and then carries them on to the most nasty and vindictive degree she can. I understand the basic thought behind what she does but not how she can possibly do it iyswim.

Basically a very detailed essay in why you don't like someone rather than an actual comparison.

Wow! It's so lovely to hear adults getting on and being happy for their ex's. Meanwhile my DHs ex is making "anonymous" phone calls to his work claiming he's been driving his work van under the influence of drugs!

We are very opposite, i am blonde and she is a red head. She is very arty whilst i am not.

But we seem have the same outlook, both mothers to older kids. From what DP has said of her she seems to be a good mother. From the bits on facebook i have seen she has a large social circle and socialises a lot where as i am anti social and a home body.

She is very hot headed where as i am more calm which i know DP likes. From speaking to the in laws they all say she is a nice person and have no horror stories from her.

Although i have never met her she seems like a nice sensible person who if we had met before DP we would probably have got on very well.

Apart from not being overweight, virtually nothing.

I expected her to have some traits in common with me but we are different in almost every conceivable way. We're both female, I guess? That's about it.

@Laurdo thank you for your comments and sorry about your situation. His ex is obv very bitter. It must be very hard for you. I hope his employer sees through her lies and support him. Wishing you well. I know I'm fortunate having an amicable exH and a decent relationship with his partner. I hope your situation improves.

my DH's EXW hates me with a passion... I've met her twice, maybe 3 times and spoken maybe a handful of words too her.

him and her had been divorced 10 years before i came on the scene.. but she still accuses me of stealing him..

I have not been told of any similarities

Literally nothing.

Absolutely zero in common with my husbands ex.

We come from very different backgrounds and have very different work ethics.

The only thing that I can think of that we share is a love of animals (although very different types). Everything else we are polar opposite.

That literally just happened to my son by his ex. They did a random test twice which was clear. What is wrong with people?

We have somewhat similar tastes in interior design, and men obvs, but it stops there. Poles apart with regard to values, and personality type.

My niece tried to make it impossible for her ex to see their DS, she even arranged for an activity to be during his access time, at a venue over an hour away, she could easily have done another time, but she wanted to inconvenience her ex. He is a decent bloke who took his DS to the activity every time; then my niece decided to change the arrangements because he didn't complain. She was constantly trying to affect the DS and his DF's relationship, as he grew older her DS realised what a total bitch she was being to his DF.

You’d be surprised how often blokes go for a slightly different version of their wife.

Often it’s about looks, but also personality.

my ex was having an EA with a 25 year old who looked a bit like me, but was more alternative.

he’s now with an even younger partner who I’d say is very different from me, but actually has similar qualities ( kind, trusting, wants to make a difference but can be a bit earnest at times)

I am lol’ing at all the responses from people who are the ‘good guys’ - I wonder what their opposite numbers would say.

i want to see some people saying ‘I made my ex’s life hell and don’t have two O-levels to rub together, but now my ex is with a caring, highly educated scientist who is so a wonderful chef’?

I think myself and dh exw have a few traits in common, despite being like chalk and cheese physically.
We are both highly ambitious , but in different ways, she's very high up in her work place, whereas I went into property development. And I think we both have some ocd or even control issues, cringe!

My DH wasn't married.

But we are opposite in a lot of ways..she is laid back and easy going, and i am highly strung, anxious stress pants 😂😂

I think she is more passive aggressive (don't know if thats the right word, but her grievances are a long slow burn) in dealing with conflicts, im bull by the horns, direct, nip it in bud then im done.

In all honesty i think she is easier person to get along with 😂😂 has a likeable personality. I feel my autism makes me come across odd and awkward.

He may have drawn a short straw here 😂😂😅