What do you have in common with the ex wife?

[Stepmumptsd]

Same man will attract similar people right?

I was once consumed with animosity towards the ex, even if I didn’t show it.

Then i had therapy and realised the exw traits I hated were things I had too. They are:

Codependency and the urge to fix everyone (but myself) resulting in anger when I don’t get to fix things my way. The ex is stuck in late stage codependency, still clinging to superiority/victimhood. I’m learning my patterns after recognising my condition.

Poverty mindset (leads to resentment about money going to ex even though there is enough to go around).

Both work in helping professions (see codependency above).

Both highly educated with a lot of friends. In another life may have even be friends.

You may think you have nothing in common with the ex and perhaps don’t. But I found this was a useful exercise to generate empathy. Woman still hates me of course 😂

@Laurdo , I feel the same way about my exes new partner, we are totally different, for a start I wouldn’t get involved with a man who had a tiny baby ! Sadly I feel relieved ex dp stopped seeing our daughter when she was four , so I haven’t had to deal with their manipulative, awful behaviour.

She had all the opportunities but didn’t want to try or make the effort.. That’s the main difference between us.

hahahaha re insecure, all this thread has done is make me feel great that we are so different - thanks to the OP and sorry ( again) that people are missing the point of what you’ve asked and are being judgy instead!

Sound like they're a match made in heaven. At least you don't have to deal with them now.

We both have a degree from the same university but in different subjects.

That's it.

I have more degrees and am a higher earner. I also put my child first as a mother and that's nothing to do with the child's age. (And I'm not allowed to go into details.)

Nothing. Well, neither of us are blonde, both had two kids, and were married to the same man (he passed away some years ago).
I'm tall, masters degree, creative field, worked since left uni, quite self contained. She is short, did not go to higher ed, worked (in catering I think - I don't like to cook) til she had kids at 30ish, outgoing.
I married at 40, she married at 25.

Are we both talking about the same woman here? Haha!

My DHs ex is also into alternative therapies and believes she's a witch (wouldn't necessarily disagree with that).

My SS16 told us he found rocks lined up on the window ledge and asked him mum what they were. She told him they were not rocks they were crystals and she was charging them in the moonlight. He burst out laughing and she shouted "it's its own science". I have an actual science degree and work in clinical research. A "real" science.

Nothing. Not one single thing bar that we are both female. Looks very different as are personalities, backgrounds, education, what we do for work absolutely NOTHING in common with her.

I'm not surprised that the majority of posters seem to be totally different from their partner's ex...just as I'm sure your current partner is different to your ex (if you have one!). That's literally the point in exes....why would we or he go to someone who was the same???

Well for one thing we have her exH/my DP in common!

Other than that, she is a great Mum who loves her kids, she's hard-working, friendly, likeable, co-parents in a cooperative adult way - so I'd like to think we share these positives (I'm not her kids mum but I do love them). Physically we are nothing alike except for our dark hair...although mine is greying and she keeps hers coloured, so maybe not even that! She's more outgoing than I am. I earn significantly more than she does. In another life we might have been friends.

At the end of the day I think of her as just a woman, like me, trying to get through life.

My BIL's 2 ex wives have (on the surface) nothing in common with each other, or his current wife.

Different looks, career types, nationalities, personalities etc.

But, all 3 of them have been the main childcare provider, main carer for his parents, main house-keeper, completed the home-admin and all have had zero or limited access to his finances (they've each been given a set amount to the family finances per month or even "pocket money")

Quite frankly I've been amazed that he's managed to find 3 women willing to put up with this, but they have (until he cheated on them).

@Laurdo they really are perfectly suited ! I on the other hand , have a wonderful partner , that I’ve been with for 20 years.

I think I had very little in common with my late DH's ex. We looked very different. Our backgrounds/childhood was very different. She never worked and I always worked. She is extrovert and I am introvert.
Weirdly, when my DH first saw my bedroom he realised that I had the same curtains and duvet cover as his ex, so we must have similar tastes in home decor.

I have never met his ex, it was a very long time ago though, think decades. She left him whilst he was in hospital and I tend to be the one picking him up from hospital after making him go in the first place ! so would hazard a guess that we are fairly different ?

Exactly! My ex before my DH was a lazy jobless manchild. My ex before that was very controlling.

I think it took for me to be happy in myself and fix my self esteem issues before I started being more picky about men and eventually finding the perfect guy for me.

@Laurdo I am impressed you kept looking. Well done for your patience

We both have had struggles with our mental health and some abuse (although varying degrees, her experiences were much worse than mine) in our past.

Other than that, honestly very little. But I do after all these years have some respect for her, she clearly tries very hard to do what she thinks is the right thing for her daughter. I feel bad at the thought of her suffering, or times when I might not have realised how she was feeling/that she was finding it difficult to see dh moving on and sd getting on well with me. I can see that this drove some of her unkind behaviour and I do feel sad for her and want her to be ok.

Now our differences are vast...she is much more materialistic than me and doesn't really value education (in fact almost looks down on people who are educated in a weird sort of way) or the simple things in life...everything she does for SD seems to be geared around the big, grand gestures and what you can 'get', rather than quality time, experiences etc. She is much more practical than I am and good at fixing things whereas I am hopeless and this makes me feel very inadequate at times, but it is a good thing for our sd because she gets to see how everyone is different etc: 🙂

I think your opening statement is quite true OP. So it's strange that so many women can't see any similarities between them and the ex.

We each look at life through that lens that suits our narrative I guess.

I actually found DH when I decided to stop looking. It was my new year's resolution for the year ahead and he messaged me at 23:30 on new year's eve. We dated in high school but I hadn't seen him since really. If had a few gins and invited him over and the rest is history.

I'm definitely like one of my partner's exs and if I met her, I think I would really like her. Interestingly my current partner and my ex have a really similar personality type.

Absolutely nothing. Polar opposites in terms of appearance, education, career, attitude and approach to life and relationships, everything.

We’re female and grew up in the same city.

We have very different outlooks on life, education, health and well being, working, aspirations. She doesn’t value any of it.

We’re very much not each others sort of person.

Ermm. Why don't I "belong to the board". Ive been a step parent for 24 years and I've got a step parent and a step grandparent. Do I need some special sort of pass?
I most certainly am not jealous. In fact the mother of my lovely stepchild is probably in a similar situation to you the mother of yours. She has never worked and probably never will. I don't think this makes me any better than her ( I have a very well paid satisfying career) just we had different life chances.
I do sometimes of jealousy towards her for how close she is to my stepson as she has more time to be with him than I do my children as she doesn't work, however he is a fully independent adult and currently living in New Zealand! In fact children that are very close to their parents are often incredibly confident.

Very little - that I know of; we don’t spend much time together. We get along just fine when we do! I don’t think much about it, and I’m sure she doesn’t either, to be honest.

From what I know we have very different hobbies, and live our lives very differently, have very different jobs and family backgrounds. One thing we’ve got in common is that we are good mothers, although we approach that differently too. My DSC is a delight and has a happy secure home with his mum and stepdad, just as he does with me and his dad.

I made a decision long ago to try my best to not say or think negative things about her, even though obviously not everything is all rainbows in the co-parenting aspect, but breeding ill feeling is bad for DSS, so I try to respect our differences.

Absolutely nothing alike whatsoever, you couldn't get two more different people 🤷🏻‍♀️