What do you have in common with the ex wife?

[Stepmumptsd]

Same man will attract similar people right?

I was once consumed with animosity towards the ex, even if I didn’t show it.

Then i had therapy and realised the exw traits I hated were things I had too. They are:

Codependency and the urge to fix everyone (but myself) resulting in anger when I don’t get to fix things my way. The ex is stuck in late stage codependency, still clinging to superiority/victimhood. I’m learning my patterns after recognising my condition.

Poverty mindset (leads to resentment about money going to ex even though there is enough to go around).

Both work in helping professions (see codependency above).

Both highly educated with a lot of friends. In another life may have even be friends.

You may think you have nothing in common with the ex and perhaps don’t. But I found this was a useful exercise to generate empathy. Woman still hates me of course 😂

I think me and my DHs 2 exes all have daddy's issues as based on my understanding none of us had a present loving father.

Other than that, I`m a bit closer in personality to the first one, as we are both fire signs and that shows, except that I worked on myself and she prefers blaming others and justifying her angry outbursts.

I guess all 3 of us share (or used to share as these things deteriorate with age) a certain physical attribute my DP finds attractive in women. Its funny as in the beginning of our relationship he asked me to put a certain tattoo on my lower back. Im not into tattoos, so I refused. I later learned that both exes have a similar one in that place. I dont know if the first one did it herself, but the second one did it for DP. I didnt want to be like an ex, so Im happy that I resisted.

Both exes are charming and outgoing and Im more of an introvert and more on an intellectual side. In this regard, for years, I felt a bit inadequate and wished I was more similar to them, but apparently, this wasnt something that mattered to DP.

About compassion for them, I dont feel it, the same way they didnt feel it for me. And nobody needs it. They created an ex wife club and were gossiping about me in front of the children and common acquitances, so I despise them. I havent seen them for 2 years and its good that way.

@Anuta77 , that sounds horrendous, I really feel for you .

That were both his exes.

“we’re” dammit! “We’re both”… not were.

She's much nicer than me i think. A really warm, feminine person, cares a lot. She's very tidy and likes to get things done immediately. I've reluctantly got tidier with age but can take months to make a decision, leaving things half done for ages etc. I can be selfish. I like to pack a lot of outings in to a day, she's more home focused. We are physically REALLY different, she's slender and long blonde hair, beautifully turned out, I'm a big brownhaired block who's a recovering scruff, though I've got a bit blonder with age 😁 tbh the most we have in common is that we both have fancied dp. I really like her.

Weirdly both me and my dh ex are what you would describe as quirky and chatty.

I am ND and I suspect so is she (if her family allowed her to believe ND exists and isn't made up 🙄 don't ask) she has in private said that she suspects she is. My dsd certainly is but mum isn't allowed to acknowledge it on her side of family. So she's in a tricky spot both from a her perspective and dsd diagnosis.

In build we are quite different- I'm tall and lean and blonde , she's small and curvy alternative. I think she's said her natural hair is blonde like mine.

She doesn't believe in education of any kind or that she is smart (she is imo) because her family told her she was thick her whole life and she believed it she has worked in low paying part time jobs because she didn't have the family support to change that narrative and get's benefits as a result (which I don't begrudge her for). She doesn't work part time for childcare as dsd is a teen, she just doesn't want to work more so 🤷‍♀️

I was fairly lucky in terms of family support in terms of education, and I'm on a high salary even by MN standard. Own my own house outright, and live a v comfortable lifestyle as a result of my sole income.

She had fairly traditional views of the man provides (even if you divorced) and thinks I'm mad for not giving up my job as soon as dh and I married. I pointed out that I don't want to be dependent on a man even if he's lovely and also he has to provide for her and he couldn't do both.

Although she's not talking to me atm. She's copped the arse because my dh put his foot down over not paying £1000 for their Christmas again (happened last 5 years) and I have pointed out that it's nothing to do with me more to do with dh being made redundant but apparently it's all my fault - sigh

I don't know her that well.
We couldn't look more different if we tried. We are different races and completely different body types. I guess we're both fairly short!

In personality we are both quiet outgoing (my husband is much less so). We both have successful careers and and are financially independent which I think has probably made the relationship easier as we aren't fighting for DH's money. We are both creative in our own way, me with music and her with sewing.

I feel like I like to go out and do stuff more but that could be down to her being a mother of two!

The posters using this to list all the ways that they are amazing educated well rounded women while the ex is a thick materialistic shrew with no redeeming characteristics are making themselves look like they are feel threatened by the ex!

I only met her once. I tried to make polite conversation about my stepkids and she blanked me, so I never got a chance to form an opinion. I believe she never worked until the divorce, whereas I worked from age 16. And that's about it really.

My husband says we're nothing like each other, though.

Apartently everything

Divorce

And yet he fancied her once….she must have something in common with you that he liked.

We all change as we get older don’t we? So yeah I assume he did fancy her 25 years ago, just like I fancied my ex when I first met him. When things don’t work, you usually pick someone different and we both very much did.

I’m not entirely sure why I’ve been singled out and piled on here. I’ve answered the OPs question honestly. I thought that’s what this forum was for?

We’re both his ex now 😄 So that’s a great thing to have in common with her.

This would be my answer too! 🤣

That we both had the poor judgement to get into a relationship with STBXH is just about the only thing I have in common with her.

Unless we are talking at the most superficial level of things in common. We are both women, for example.

I've never met her. She's a dead alcoholic. So I hope I am not like her. DH says not.

We drink the same unusual mix of drinks (think vodka and ginger ale kinda thing)

We have the same Macdonalds order (no mayo)

That's about it. I'm the polar opposite of his ex, fiercely independent and determined whereas she is (still) very much reliant on others to sort out her shit all the time.

Bad taste in men. Other than that we are very different. We get on well though.

I’d like to find some common ground between us but she makes it really difficult! We are physically nothing alike, she is more into dressing up and going out, loves clubbing holidays, magaluf, Ibiza, etc. different levels of education, different professional lives - she currently doesn’t work, when she did it was minimum wage part time jobs in bars, shops, play centres. I’m not judging her in the slightest, my only concern is what happens when she stops getting money from DH and child benefit etc as that is all her income and she hasn’t worked for 5 years. She’s also a bit of a casual racist, and comes from a more right wing daily mail type family whereas I was brought up in a very different home in terms of political viewpoints, and that’s a big difference between us.

It’s totally ok, @Whyohwhywyoming, to recognise that your partner’s ex is not the kind of person you’d choose to spend any time with. She probably feels similarly in that your life and lifestyle is not what she’d aspire to.

STBXH’s first wife is similar to how you describe your husband’s ex. I would never even bother myself worrying about what will happen to her when the child maintenance stops - she’s an adult and can live with the choices she makes. The fact she did (intentionally) make my life considerably more difficult while STBXH and I were together makes me even less likely to feel in any way sorry for her. Not my monkeys, not my circus!

All of us - 3 in total - have the same ex-husband. But I was the first so obviously the best

Could you be overthinking the similarities.
I have in common that we both fell in love with same man and both love the same child. We are completely different in every other way and her other partners are nothing like my previous ones either.

I’m tall, she’s short.
I’m blonde, she’s dark.
She’s very into maths, I’m into books.
She’s an indoors homebody - I love to be outside and travel.
She’s very girlie - nails, pamper days, handbags etc. I spend all my time on the allotment or climbing wall, or up a hill in the rain.
She follows the crowd - I plough my own furrow. We’re poles apart.

She and I got on very well and shared a lot of very similar personality traits.
She was much thinner than me. She was dark haired and I'm blonde.
We shared a similar sense of humour and enjoyed one another's company very much.
Her children came and played with ours.

I missed her when she died. She was only in her fifties.

We both hate his mum!

I'm the ex in this situation and I'm on good terms with his new wife. She's lovely. Her family are lovely and treat my dd with love and kindness.

We aren't really alike in any way.