If you have older teen stepkids...

[tiredofthisshit21]

Inspired by another thread and interested to hear others experiences.

If you have older teen stepkids, when did they stop sticking to a rigid contact schedule? What do you think is best for them at that age?

Entirely dependent on what is agreed between step kids and their parent

If under 18

beyond 18 - it’s a round table chat inc step parent if it ever comes up

We continued with 50 50 in both homes, but gradually moved from half the week with each parent, to a week in each home, then two or three weeks in each home. During exam periods this was sometimes a stretch of a month or more in turn.

It changed gradually and was very flexible, still continues now they are Uni students, led by them. The two homes are 5 mins walk away so they could very easily pop over for lunch or an evening or to pick up schoolwork, clothes etc when based in the other house. See pets, both parents etc.

It worked well for us, we all (teens and adults) found the transitions the hardest part and it minimised those. Having longer stretches of time to settle in as a household helped deepen relationships and encouraged us to work through normal teen conflicts/ issues.

My stepson stuck to it rigidly until he was 18, because his mum wanted every second she could get (DP had custody due to her walking out of them for 6 years with no contact when SS was a baby).

Now he does what he wants, but even now he's 20, she will make comments like 'you're supposed to come to me every other weekend!' Ffs.

But a 20 year old wants to be with her more?

No agreement with parent.

So I’m confused

the parent doesn’t want his older teen over?

@Afteropening no, I didn't say that. I just wondered what others had done to encourage more independence and the kid having a social life if living between two houses makes that difficult.

Different questions

loads of older teens stick with contact schedule and have lots of independence

so is your issue that your SC aren’t as independent as you think they should be at their ages?

how far apart are the two homes?

Yes.... opposite ends of the city with bad transport links.

My eldest SS was 19 when he stopped coming regular, more as and when abs he hadn't stayed overnight since either.

My middle SD is 17 and chose to live with us full time at 15 and she hadn't seen her mum in 18 months at all.

My youngest SS is 16 and he co Ed to us every other weekend and tea twice a week/ holidays etc still regularly

I think when I'm late teens in really depends on how the households run and the relationships they have with all adults. They can make more choices and have more an opinion as exactly has happened eith my lot... one hugely prefers mum and step dads way of living and one prefers everything about our way of life and one bounces happily in the middle!

I have 2 SS, they always stayed 2 nights a week and EO weekend till the eldest (20 now) learnt to drive. Then he’d come for dinner then leave to go over his mates. He stopped coming at weekends as his job was in the village his mum lives in.
Younger SS is 16 now and we barely see him. He may come over once a week but rarely at weekends as he’s out with his mates (where his mum lives) and honestly….he has a much easier time at his mums because she lets him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

Do they drive?

very little you can do to encourage a social life for older teens aside from being a taxi service!

And as for encouraging independence - what are you envisaging? Are we talking wiping their own bum territory or paying rent territory?

@Afteropening nope, don't drive.

I just want to encourage some kind of life outside of the house. They're always here, don't go anywhere.

SD is 16 and hardly comes to ours because her social life is near her mums/school etc . We are only a few stops away on the tube .

Also at her mums is no rules whatsoever - here her dad moans about phone usage etc

How old are they?

does their father not encourage this and indeed ever get the ball rolling?

Youngest is 16. Eldest has finally stopped coming at 22. Their dad does try, yes. But mum treats them like small children.

It was never rigid really, but they started running the show more from 14, in the holidays to start.

So the problem is they have friends near their mums house but not near their dads?

In which case either their father or you both need to sit down with them and find out how they feel about that, and rearrange where they spend time accordingly. They can decide at that age. They can’t magic friends near you but you could get them a gym membership or something like that.

SS now in his 30’s so was a while ago for us. Contact was always difficult even when he was much younger. DH was supposed to have every other weekend but his ex kept cancelling saying they had family plans etc. by the time he was 15/16 it was probably down to once every 4 weeks but that was generally his choice as he wanted to go out with his mates and didn’t want to come over as we don’t live that close to where he was living with his Mum. It has definitely had an impact on relationships

Sounds awful. The idea of two teen boys that aren’t my boys… hanging around all weekend

but there is very very little a step mother can do. In fact, bugger all.

it is your husband that you should be speaking with. He should be “encouraging “ them to be out more. But tbh… I the boys aren’t that way inclined… impossible feat

He should have gone for a court order

The RP doesn’t cancel the NRP’s time with their child. Unless of course the child / teen in question is desperate not to go, then there may be a case for it

Dsd moved in with us at 19 when her dm moved in with a new partner, she visits whenever she wants, (she drives) but she's resident with us and rarely stays over

He was young and naive when they spilt. His son was only 2 and he didn’t have the funds or the knowledge. He also felt guilty as he ended the relationship and moved back in with his parents. He thought he was doing the right thing by not causing trouble and rocking the boat. He was never included in school play invites, parents evening etc. The ex had built a new life with someone new and didn’t want him to be involved in her DC life. I met my now DH many years later - we eventually had kids of our own (SS was 16 when we had our first child)
it’s been really hard and maybe if he’d had more advice and support at the time maybe he would have understood his rights and fought harder.

My adult step kids are currently refusing to move back in with their Mum as she's always done this weird chucking them all out thing. They are not allowed back in until the next day and must wait for an all clear text. It used to packaged as access slightly harder when the eldest is 25! I don't like the fact they have to pay full rent for only 5 days a week. The eldest 2 live with their Gran and the youngest has moved back in with his Mum but I'm picking up signs he wants to move back in with us. I've had to be a much more hands on SM than I've wanted to be really.