If you have older teen stepkids...

[tiredofthisshit21]

Inspired by another thread and interested to hear others experiences.

If you have older teen stepkids, when did they stop sticking to a rigid contact schedule? What do you think is best for them at that age?

Why doesn’t the eldest two live with their dad?

Sounds awful. The idea of two teen boys that aren’t my boys… hanging around all weekend

but there is very very little a step mother can do. In fact, bugger all.

@Afteropening I'm not sure if it's unfortunate wording or it reveals your actual thoughts but I think your post sounds horrible and really unwelcoming to your step children

@perpetuallytired99
I don’t have step children
I am not a step mother
I am a single mother of 2

I will never ever ever be a step mum.

i don’t want to live with any other child ever other than my own children. And I don’t want my children to have to share their family home with a man who isn’t their dad, and other children that aren’t their siblings.

So when I say the OP’s predicament sounds bloody awful, I’m not being “horrible” to anyone.

I have younger SC but I have my own DC in their late teens and they still stick to a 50/50 schedule - that's their choice.

Dsds are 14 and 16. Dp and his ex were always flexible with each and as the children have got older the flexibility has been extended to them. They still come regularly but are less likely to be with us for a whole weekend as they have plans with friends. They also pop over in the week sometimes. One of their mates lives near us so sometimes she will stay with us after having dinner there.
We live nearby anyway so they can see their friends while staying here if they want to. I think parents who chose to live far apart from each other create issues for when the kids are teenagers and want to see their friends on the weekend. It seems a shame that their children can't do regular weekend clubs either.

Husbands (3) children chose to live with us when they reached high school age. We stuck to the alternative weekends and shared holidays (when it suited mother) until they turned 16. At 16 they all had weekend jobs and they were left to make their own arrangements with mother.

Hi everyone,never thought I would have to ask someone on this opinion but here i am .. been in relationship with my partner for the last 4 years (on and off) , he had 14 year old stepson when i met him he is now 18.
my partner always stood a ground that family should keep together no matter what -and I don’t disagree with it BUT .. i have done so many things,starting off being a taxi as i am the only one with car,( my stepson grandfather has a car and so does his aunt) , for the last 4 years i have been running him everywhere (work school ,shopping the list goes on ) , i am cooking every single day for him as his own mum doesn’t, I spend more time with my partner kids then I spent with my own family.He is sitting off in our house day in day out , playing his stupid games on my TV while i being in my room watching the walls bored many times kust so he van have a time with his dad .It never bothered me until i gave birth to my first daughter 4 months ago , i got no personal space he disrespects me , he had an argument with his dad ( my partner) and brought me in to it in every opportunity he had , he called me a DOG , he has racist nasty things to say to me as im not English, and i feel hurt i have been putting up with this for too long just so he has a good relationship with his dad ,as if we don’t talk to each other he wont come and visit and i got shit of my partner because of it he wants me to make it right with him just so he can have a good life but what about me ? I feel hurt and I honestly don’t want to make it right just so they can be sweet ??my partner demands apology from him , and he doesn’t want to apologise but I don’t want him to apologise and move on either because i cant get past that… please what should i do?am absolutely sick of it but i love my partner but also i dont want nothing to do with his nasty son

Why on earth are you over On the stepparent board then? Seeing as you feel so strongly against the principles?

no, you don’t need to tell me, you’re one of ‘those’ that comes over to be nasty and to judge when you have nothing helpful or relevant to share. Why? Find a hobby, do some volunteering or something if you’ve got time on your hands.

i have advised multiple times the OP and not referred to my situation

i was responding to a poster

Hello, this sounds tricky and I’m sorry. Have you spoken to your partner about how all of this makes you feel? It’s really his job to manage these behaviours and to speak to his son. You certainly shouldn’t be hiding in your own house!

So you think you should only comment if you are in the precise situation the OP is in.

No children? get off any thread about parenting

Not in a relationship ? get off any thread about marriage, dating

i could go on

Step parenting is quite a unique situation though, to be fair. You can't possibly know what it's like til you've been there.

have you read the advice i gave

fundamentally this is a disrespected OP by both her son and her husband.

i am appalled for her.

you don’t need to be a step parent to comment on this situation

We had an extremely rigid visiting schedule until DSS started Uni. Had he not gone to Uni, I fear the schedule would still be in place, and he's nearly 30 now ....

The ex insisted on every possible second of DSS-free time. DH was terrified of upsetting the ex in case she stopped allowing visits (this made less and less sense as DSS got older) and DSS just obediently came to us EOW because his mother told him he should. If we had DSS for even a few hours less than scheduled, she would threaten a review of CMS payments.

As a result of this, and the distance between the two houses, DSS rarely got involved in anything social, or after school stuff and he never got a part time job. The situation did no one any good.

Huge row last night. I don't think I can do this any more. He's just here all the time. When he started 6th form college I had all these assurances that DH was going to encourage him to get out with his friends, get a Xmas job, etc etc. None of it has happened. I can see this stretching on for years as I doubt he'll go to uni. I think we need to live separately but husband sees that as splitting up.

what was the row about?

if dh sees it as splitting up - then hopefully it will galvanise him to act in order to avoid that

If you are at opposite ends of the city to his mum, who has the better journey to 6th form college?

you mentioned that the eldest stopped coming at 22 - where does the eldest live now? With the mum or in eg a flat share?

Eldest is still in education but with mum in the holidays.

Row was about my expectations on his son to have some kind of life outside of this house and not be here all the bloody time. I think he thinks that threatening to split will make me back off. He thinks my expectations are unrealistic. He says I had different 'rules' for my DD when she was living at home, which isn't true. She had a PT job at the age of 16, and was out with friends a lot.

6th form college is in the city, so equal travelling times from both houses.

Does it work out around 50/50, is he with you half of each week?

FWIW my 16 year old doesn’t have a pt job and does a fair bit of sport but is otherwise home and studying. Perhaps he sees his friends when at mum’:s?

So if DSS won’t develop any sort of age appropriate interests/independence etc, then he needs to split his time between your house and his mother’s, not spend all his time at your house doing nothing - is that what you mean? And in your shoes, that’s what I would be pushing for.

He's here three nights a week but he comes and sits in his room and only emerges to eat. DH does nothing with him unless I force the issue and then claims he's doing it for me to give me some peace.

I sympathise. When DSS got to this pint, I really lost patience too, although ours was an EOW arrangement. Our lives were restricted by an outdated arrangement that did no more than facilitate man-child hibernating upstairs on alternate weekends.