If you have older teen stepkids...

[tiredofthisshit21]

Inspired by another thread and interested to hear others experiences.

If you have older teen stepkids, when did they stop sticking to a rigid contact schedule? What do you think is best for them at that age?

He's stormed out now. Claims he's upset and that I don't give a shit about him, when all I've done is delivered some home truths.

@NearlyMonday how did it end for you? Did he stop coming at a certain age?

If he’s stormed out that would indicate he’s been really defensive and knows you have a point but won’t admit it?

Thankfully DSS went to uni and this broke the pattern. But DH was so terrified of rocking the boat (although he could never say what he feared would happen if he did) that I suspect this would have carried on for years otherwise. It’s funny how so many men are scared to upset their children and ex-wives but don’t mind upsetting their new wives!

My DSS is nearly 17. He comes and goes. It’s kind of EOW and every Wednesday night, but flexible. Sometimes he goes out with friends, sometimes he just slobs around in his room or watching TV. He’s no bother, we have a nice chat at the dinner table, he’s welcome any time.

But we do have a large enough house not to get in each other’s way.

A semi flexible arrangement would have been fine for me, but complete rigidity prevailed and that’s what drove me up the wall. Right up til the start of uni, DH was still having to arrange his working life around set-in-stone pick up times etc, our holidays were dictated by this etc. Weird and unhealthy

PS - and then we could never do much on Sunday afternoons because we had to have DSS fed and returned by 6pm

@NearlyMonday nope he definitely thinks it's all my fault and I'm unreasonable. Claims I've never made his kids welcome. I extended my house and more than doubled my mortgage in order to make room for them. I've turned my life upside down for them. But I'm mid 50s now and struggling with still having a teen around who shows no sign of independence. He also says I treat my DD differently - well of course I do. She grew up in this house and it was her permanent home for many years. He doesn't see the difference.

I'm probably revealing too many details now but he's got me questioning whether I'm being unreasonable.

Weird and unhealthy

Oh yes that's the other thing. I said exactly that about the arrangement - that it was weird for a 16yo to stick to a rigid schedule and not have a social life. He translated that into 'you called my son a weirdo.

I don't have step children, but do have a son who visited his Dad so can give those details.

Contact changed to once a month, from EOW, when DS was about 14/15. He was starting to go to more and more parties/revising for exams etc so ex decided it was best to cut back (in other words he couldn't be bothered with the hassle of dropping at parties etc)

When DS hit 16 the contact routine was scrapped permanently, so he saw his Dad when he wanted to - which worked about every 6-8 weeks.

It's slowly drifted further and now aged 20 he sees him every 3-4 months. Sad really, but as soon as DS passed his driving test (aged 17), his Dad would never offer to do the driving (just over an hour now as moved further away) and so he was relying on DS bothering - which isn't often sadly

That's the same as my experience of friends who had parents who split, especially where step parents were concerned. I do think that a lot on this thread seem to almost think they've done their time when the step child gets to 16-18 and no longer need to tolerate them after that

The sad thing in my DS's story @perpetuallytired99 , is that it was a step parent who certainly didn't help when DS was younger than 14 (was open about her dislike of DS and how he "ruined" her family weekends), causing a lot of upset between DS and his Dad. They then separated and by the sounds of it his Dads current partner is absolutely lovely and very welcoming to DS - but the damage was already done. Shame he didn't meet her years ago!

I'm sorry to hear that, it shows how instrument step parents can be in making / breaking relationships

@familyissues12345 do you think I'm being unreasonable then? I'm not trying to stop him from coming. I just want a less rigid schedule and for him to have a social life. I think his parents should be encouraging that as it's healthy.

More defensive behaviour. He knows you have a point but he won’t admit it

No absolutely not! In my opinion it's right that it should get to a point like that.

My point was that because of the bad relationship early on, it meant when the rigidity of contact schedule changed that it all went wrong. Ex had already lost DS's desire to be with him as he did very little to protect him. It was the right time to stop the contact routine, absolutely, just sad how it's ended.

Good luck! X

I agree @NearlyMonday , ultimately if he's done a good job as a Dad it's time for him to give his son the voice and he'll come back and see him!

Thanks @familyissues12345. He has me doubting myself and is going down the 'you hate my kids' route.

Worth also saying that the eldest doesn't visit off his own back. It's up to DH to arrange a lunch or whatever. I just feel like neither of them have any drive to be actual grown-ups.

do your children get on with his?

of they are close - could children speak with them?

how old were they when you first met them?

@Afteropening they were much younger - we've been together for 11 years but only moved in together 5 years ago. It's my biggest regret that we didn't stay living separately.

My DD doesn't really get on with his kids - they're very different. And anyway she lives in another city now.

and you are surprised with how they’ve turned out?

or has your DH’s parenting over last 11 years indicated it would end up like this?

I guess I wasn't close enough to it before we lived together.

And now he's taken his son out for the afternoon and when he gets back he'll make a big deal of the fact that he took him out to give me some space. Same old...

where have they gone?

No idea.