If you have older teen stepkids...

[tiredofthisshit21]

Inspired by another thread and interested to hear others experiences.

If you have older teen stepkids, when did they stop sticking to a rigid contact schedule? What do you think is best for them at that age?

enjoy house to yourself

I would make moves to live separately again.
He can house his 16yr old by himself and you can live how you want, it will stop the arguments only if your husband is mature enough to maintain a relationship with separate households.

I've thought about this. I'd like to sell the house and use my 70% share to fund somewhere smaller, mortgage free. I've got a lot of resentment about the fact that I doubled my mortgage when he moved in and that I can now no longer afford the lovely house I bought when I divorced on my own.

Do you love your DH?

Right now? While he's behaving like a twat and giving me the silent treatment? No.

I tried to talk to him this morning. But apparently I have to wait til he's ready to talk because he's hurt.

oh OP - what a ghastly way to live in your own home. life’s too short.

I didn’t keep to a strict schedule after around 16, but I did come and go from both parents houses until I settled down after university.

Then I continued to stay with both parents fairly often, until I moved back to the local area a good few years later.

I always had a social life… I just brought friends home with me to two different houses (I’m not sure you’d rather him have friends around often, getting ready for nights out and raiding your cupboards for snacks though?).

I was really lucky, both my parents (and my lovely stepmum) kept an open door for me. Far too many stepparents assume that once their stepchild is an adult, they should stop staying. It’s as if their dad’s home isn’t their home too.

OP

If he is sitting in his room “out of the way” for three nights a week, what do you feel he is preventing you (or you and DH) from doing?

I thought perhaps he was on the sofa monopolising the remote.

I assume some of that room time is homework or coursework focussed.

Does he do any clubs or meet ups with friends near his mum’s place? Because those may be on set days, meaning he comes to you on the other days.

@SheilaFentiman it's more about encouraging independence so we're not in this position still when he's 25!

He does nothing at mum's either, as far as I'm aware.

I don't get the problem.

He's only 16 and only stays 3 nights a week. It's his home. Some kids mature faster than others, some are introverts....

It's not like he's in the way if he's in his room and you're not doing any parenting really.

He's just a kid. I'm not surprised your DH is upset.

Thats what I’ve been thinking too. My dd is 15 - she has good friends, but does stay in quite a lot. She’s introverted and really likes her own space.

OP honestly I don't see the problem either.

Surely the predictability is good so you can plan rather than as hoc turning up, I bet you'd find that more annoying. What you really seem to want is not "less rigid" just "less". Personally I think that's unfair. It's his Dad's home. He's still a kid.

I agree that socialising and independence are to be encouraged. But you've made that point, it's for his parents to press that, but you seem exorcised about it in a way that is more about you and your convenience. Kids develop in different ways, boys often less quickly than girls, hence perhaps the difference with your DD.

I'm sorry, but YABU. And not just unreasonable, but unkind.

He's only there 3 nights a week and he spends them in his room? I can't see the problem. I think it's sad that he's not welcome, he's only 16. I have 16 and 18 year old sons and they spend most of their time at home other than sports. There's nothing particularly unusual about that.

Surely the predictability is good so you can plan rather than as hoc turning up, I bet you'd find that more annoying. What you really seem to want is not "less rigid" just "less". Personally I think that's unfair. It's his Dad's home. He's still a kid.

yes, I rather agree with this.

Having been in a similar situation to the OP, I definitely understand the problem. Our arrangement was EOW, so (for example) if we wanted to go away for the weekend, we wouldn’t do it on an access weekend etc, and DH often had problems getting away from work on time to do Friday pick-ups.

And all to facilitate a young adult who arrived at our house to hibernate til he went home again. If he’d been 11 then of course you arrange your life around the visits, but by the time DSS was 17/18 it was really beginning to grate.

You regularly read threads here about ‘children’ in their early 20s who still adhere to a visit ing schedule, there’s something really off about it.

I think you are being harsh op. I think dss should see your home as his. But I'm guessing you don't see it that way. His lack of social life is a separate issue but him being there doesn't seem to have any baring on you.

My DS didn’t really have a social life at 16yo. And at that age he started to spend more time in his room. Also some teenagers have their social life through gaming, does he have a games console?

He did get a part time job but assume that could be tricky if living in 2 houses far apart.

I’m not seeing the issue with his behaviour

He did get a part time job but assume that could be tricky if living in 2 houses far apart.

See this is kind of my point. I don't want him living between two houses to stop him from having a normal teenager life. I think these things are healthy. And sticking to a rigid schedule from some sense of obligation just does no one any good.

Anyhow, some interesting different opinions. Thanks

And this is exactly what happened with us. The ex insisted on a zero-flex policy, and due to the distance between the two houses, and lack of public transport, it would have been very difficult for DSS to get a part time job.

It does not sound like it is the rigid contact that is stopping your DSS from socialising, more that he is just not very sociable. If he was not sitting in his room at your house, i bet he would just be doing the same at his DM's. Some people are just like that. i think it is right to encourage him to socialise more but you cant force it. You can encourage a part time job in the city centre which he can get to from both houses. Plus, if affordable, learning to drive when he hits 17 will enable him to be flexible in moving between homes.

Both my teen/young adult DC are very sociable (one particularly so) but at that age they still had at least 3 evenings a week when they were just at home, not least because they had homework/revision.

I think over time you would expect a young adult to have a single home (whether a flat share or living with one parent) and to have more "adult" meeting up arrangements with the parent(s) they dont live with, but i think it is not realistic to expect that to happen while they are still in FTE, although it may do for some DC particularly if they have a social life nearer one parent's home. University is often a natural shift, and i can see that for a DC that does not go to university it might be hard see what would trigger the shift (other than encouraging a flat share or ceasing to offer them a home), but in any event 16 is too young to force it.

That does not mean you need to be happy with the arrangement - it is very much your prerogative to change this and live separately from DH but i dont think you can either force your DSS to become more sociable or force DH to see him less.

So would you be happy with your ss living with you the majority of the time so that he could get a local part time job and see his mum on an ad hoc basis? That way he could get the normal teenage experience you want for him. Or should it only be his mum facilitating this?