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Step-parenting

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Original poster

15 year old step daughter is way beyond abusive

112 replies

Sparkle2023 · 05/11/2023 22:12

long post I have 15 and 17 year old stepdaughters. The elder is wonderful; respectful, kind and gentle. The youngest is without doubt a problem child. I have known her since she was 8 years old. Very spoilt, never corrected, never told no. I said years ago to my husband that she needed boundaries otherwise there will be trouble ahead. Fast forward to now and she has no respect, tells her teachers to fuck off, had 17 detentions and didnt go to 15 of them. Even CAM and an independent counselor have washed their hands of her because she doesnt engage. Her father (my husband) is a naturally agressive man and verbally attacks me and uses his physical size to scare me, his daughter now does the same. Because she openly drinks he buys her bottles of vodka the weekends she is with us and when I try to say it's wrong how much she is drinking he says it's nothing to do with me. His brother dies of alcoholism and he is a very aggressive drunk personality. Tonight we had an horrendous argument with the 15 year old saying 'we all know you're fucking mad' shouting at me, being beyond disrespectful (no words can describe how bad it was) the husband stood next to her and balled me down, whilst she stood there smirking at me.

I feel abused, broken, lonely and then to be told I have no say in my home (I pay 50%)

I've tried reasoning with him, I've tried to explain how i feel, etc. However the bottom line is he is a narcissist and sociopath and he just wont listen or see my side.

What do I do? 😥

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkle2023 · 06/11/2023 08:06

Thank you, I didnt know about Womens Aid. I'll call them today. I've given everything, I run a lovely home, I'll do anything for anyone. He has always been aggressive and I just went quiet and kept out of his way. I know that makes things worse, but I thought he would get better as we moved into older years. However I'm now 51, he I'd 57 and it's worse. I wont be intimate because he is nasty and then he gets angry because we arent intimate. I look back now and his Mother treated him like he now treats me. He cant see it. I wish I did sooner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkle2023 · 06/11/2023 08:08

That's the part I dont know how to do 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkle2023 · 06/11/2023 08:10

Because I have no where to go. I work from home, it's my home in my name. I cant just change the locks as he can unchanged them just as easily (that's his job) I'm going to call womens aid later today. I've never heard of them before

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 06/11/2023 08:19

You can also email womans aid. Their phones can get busy.
You're truly not stuck, it just feels that way to you. His actions are criminal. You could have him removed! Your friends will likely return to you. They probably steer clear of him. Friends see more than we realise.

Shouldbedoing · 06/11/2023 08:21

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/domestic-violence-webguide

hattie43 · 06/11/2023 08:28

My god . Why on earth put up with this . Make plans to leave .

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 06/11/2023 08:28

Shouldbedoing · 06/11/2023 08:19

You can also email womans aid. Their phones can get busy.
You're truly not stuck, it just feels that way to you. His actions are criminal. You could have him removed! Your friends will likely return to you. They probably steer clear of him. Friends see more than we realise.

Agree that his actions are criminal and you could talk to Women's Aid about getting a Non-Molestation Order.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 06/11/2023 08:43

Her father (my husband) is a naturally agressive man and verbally attacks me and uses his physical size to scare me, his daughter now does the same.

Of course his daughter is going to end up a nightmare with a role model like this.

When children are brought up around domestic abuse they can very easily grow up to become the victims of abuse or be abusers.

Stop focusing on the child when the adult is, and always has been the problem.

OP we will try and help you leave this awful relationship.
Definitely call womens aid and do the freedom programme as PPs have suggested.

This probably isn’t going to happen overnight but you have reached out on here and that is often the first step.
Just take it one step at a time and start by contacting women’s aid.

Amara123 · 06/11/2023 09:05

This family is dangerous. Get support from people in your life too, they won't go easily.

OhComeOnFFS · 06/11/2023 09:11

OK so do you rent or do you have a mortgage?

Whichever it is, is his name on the lease or the mortgage?

If he's going to unpick the locks you have to get a restraining order out against him, but you'll need to speak to Women's Aid or your local police station about that.

It sounds horrendous - good luck.

StopStartStop · 06/11/2023 09:12

You get the fuck out of there, as soon as possible.
Oops, missed the post that says the house is in your name.
I hope Women's Aid can help you.

TulipOH · 06/11/2023 09:18

So it's your home OP?

He's not a co owner or on the mortgage?

Luckydog7 · 06/11/2023 09:31

If he's a professional lock Smith then they have a code of conduct regarding using their skills for nefarious purposes. He should be very wary about breaking in. I don't know if there is someone to report him too within the locksmiths industry. Might be worth considering.

Are you married? If you are your home is a shared asset and you can't just kick him out. You can however report him to the police if you feel threatened. If the home is shared I would take steps to get out while you separate as it sounds like an unbareable situation and not safe at all.

If however you are not married you can get him out, get a dead bolt, cameras etc. Tell the police you feel at risk because of his skills and threatening behaviour and they may be able to support you.

Littlegoth · 06/11/2023 09:31

If it’s your home, his name isn’t on it, and he changes the locks to gain access it’s breaking and entering. You get cctv and if he comes near then you call the police. Ask them to put a marker on the property so that they treat it as an emergency when you call. Sorry this is happening to you but you know they need to go.

Noshowlomo · 06/11/2023 09:50

Sorry OP, so many weird posts lately.
Is the mortgage in your name? Are you married? These things make a huge difference.
Please report to police, get the best advice you can from Women’s Aid. Kick the both fuckers out

Original poster
Sparkle2023 · 06/11/2023 10:21

No he isnt

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 06/11/2023 10:28

Womens Aid as a first port of call. Contact them today if you can safely do so, and tell them everything.

Secondly, take your focus off your step daughter, none of that is relevant. Your issue is your abusive husband.

It does feel like you're stuck, if you try and imagine the "end" but you can take things one tiny step at a time and move forward incrementally and you can get to a peaceful safe place with help. Yes you will have to compromise in places in order to get away, but you are compromising yourself every minute of every day you stay. Find help and take it.

TulipOH · 06/11/2023 10:36

If his name is not on the mortgage kick him out!

Slowcookerseason · 06/11/2023 10:40

Its your house and they both need to leave. Call womens aid today

Itsnotchristmasyet · 06/11/2023 10:41

Do you rent or own your own home?

Do the girls live with you full time?

If he ever scares you tell him to stop else you will phone the police.
And so ring the police if he carries on.

Quite often people are scared to ring the police because if their name is on the tenancy then they apparently have a right to be there (my friend is going through this now) but if they’re not on the tenancy then they have no right to be there.

So you can ring the police, tell him he’s becoming aggressive and they’ll remove him from the property.
You can then change the locks and if he tries to get in it will be classed as breaking and entering and therefore he can get into a lot of trouble for it.

OP it’s your home, you allow his kids to live there and you pay half of everything.
You hold all of the cards here.

YoghurtBeans · 06/11/2023 10:42

I imagine your 17 year old DSD is also struggling. Getting yourself out and sorted is the priority, but maybe let her know that she can talk to you anytime. And once she turns 18 if she ever wants to visit, let her know she can. She may miss you a lot as you've been her step mum since she was so young

HakunaMatiÅ‚da · 06/11/2023 11:01

If he is not on any deeds, tenancy agreements etc then you kick him out and change the locks. Have a deadbolt installed on the inside of the door.

He might be trained in lock picking, but it doesn’t give him a legal right to enter the property. Once you have kicked him out and changed the locks, if he tries to enter the house call the police.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 06/11/2023 11:20

Ok the step daughter is the least of your problems…. I’m so glad the home is in your name only, it is such a positive- even if he changes locks everyday - contact woman’s aid, police and get a ring doorbell/security camera if he breaks in it’s breaking and entering but please please call / email woman’s aid they can safely help you away from this man and his Dd

a few months more op and you can be free!!!

Come here if you need support there are amazing women on this site

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 06/11/2023 11:24

You need internal bolts, lockable windows downstairs and a restraining order if it’s your house not his.

Womens aid will tell you dv victims get legal aid.

Jewelspun · 06/11/2023 11:31

YoghurtBeans · 06/11/2023 10:42

I imagine your 17 year old DSD is also struggling. Getting yourself out and sorted is the priority, but maybe let her know that she can talk to you anytime. And once she turns 18 if she ever wants to visit, let her know she can. She may miss you a lot as you've been her step mum since she was so young

She's not the ops responsibility!

The op needs to cut ties with this awful man and trying to guilt trip her into maintaining a connection via one of his daughters is a very bad idea.