15 year old step daughter is way beyond abusive

[Sparkle2023]

long post I have 15 and 17 year old stepdaughters. The elder is wonderful; respectful, kind and gentle. The youngest is without doubt a problem child. I have known her since she was 8 years old. Very spoilt, never corrected, never told no. I said years ago to my husband that she needed boundaries otherwise there will be trouble ahead. Fast forward to now and she has no respect, tells her teachers to fuck off, had 17 detentions and didnt go to 15 of them. Even CAM and an independent counselor have washed their hands of her because she doesnt engage. Her father (my husband) is a naturally agressive man and verbally attacks me and uses his physical size to scare me, his daughter now does the same. Because she openly drinks he buys her bottles of vodka the weekends she is with us and when I try to say it's wrong how much she is drinking he says it's nothing to do with me. His brother dies of alcoholism and he is a very aggressive drunk personality. Tonight we had an horrendous argument with the 15 year old saying 'we all know you're fucking mad' shouting at me, being beyond disrespectful (no words can describe how bad it was) the husband stood next to her and balled me down, whilst she stood there smirking at me.

I feel abused, broken, lonely and then to be told I have no say in my home (I pay 50%)

I've tried reasoning with him, I've tried to explain how i feel, etc. However the bottom line is he is a narcissist and sociopath and he just wont listen or see my side.

What do I do? 😥

As well as women's aid you need to report this to Social Services, that's your duty.

OP, you need to involve the police. they will organise a non molestation order and then he will face prison if he returns. you need to get out of this situation. the step daughter is the least of your problems.

Do your step daughters live with you full time? Do they have any contact with their mother?

Because, yes, you need to get out of there, but there's also the issue of two minors being left in the care of an a violent, abusive man.

That is not the OP’s problem to solve though. It’s for social services or someone else.

Heaping misplaced responsibility on a woman in an abusive situation is one of the many things that traps women in situations they need to leave.

Please start your own thread.

You really need help but many people won’t see your post.

There will have been people in your situation and they’ll be able to give you good advice.

OP’s situation sounds different as it sounds like it’s only her name on everything.

LTB obviously. You can't change him. No point appealing to his reasonable side - he doesn't have one!

I'd maintain a relationship with the eldest of I could, she's an adult and if she lives there she could probably use some help extricating herself from that situation. She will benefit from your example of not putting up with an abusive relationship any more. She's at higher than average risk of ending up in one herself because it's what she's used to with her father.

It does seem to happen this way with toxic parents that children either follow in their parents footsteps or go totally the opposite way.

The youngest is a lost cause, she's broken by her upbringing. Perhaps at some point in her life something will happen that makes her want to change, maybe not.

As well as getting advice about kicking him out, I think you should inform the girl’s mother, her school and social services that her father is giving her bottles of vodka to drink. You may be sick of contacting them, but it is a safeguarding concern. It will also be a record of your husbands unreasonable behaviour when it comes to trying to get him out

When people say 'leave' op they mean leave the relationship, not your home.

Sounds like he's the one to go, but you need to start the ball rolling.

She is influenced by your husbands behaviour that’s why she’s like this

I'm not suggesting she adopts them. But SS aren't telepathic, someone's going to need to inform them, and it's not clear whether they have a mother or wider family to rely on.
Seeing as it's OP's house, I doubt she's actually going to take PP's advice to pack her bags and leave immediately, but I think it's reasonable to point out that there's more than one person at risk here.

You can absolutely change the locks. If he changes them, that's going to be something like criminal damage or breaking and entering. Call 999. He has literally zero rights to be in your home if you don't want him there. The police will remove him. He's not a tenant, you don't need to give him notice to leave. You can change the locks today whilst he's at work and call the police when he comes back and starts kicking off. "Common law" husband/wife does not exist other than inside people's heads, he has no rights.

His daughters have no rights to be in your home either, you don't have to let them stay at all unless you want to. You shouldn't let the younger one stay because she's abusive towards you. They can go to their mum's or another family member or a friend's home while the parents sort something out. They aren't your problem at all. Although as I said if you like the eldest and want to maintain a relationship you can, she's old enough to do what she wants and you can make your own decisions about what you want.

You have a DH problem and by extension a DSD problem :(

You leave.

Sorry, I've just reread and you say that they're with you certain weekends, so I'm guessing you and your husband aren't they're primary carer. My fault for not reading properly.

I noticed you say your husband OP but are you married? If you're not he's not your husband and the house is all yours.

If you're married he's got rights to live there because the house is a marital asset, it's not solely yours regardless of whose name it's in. I know divorce solicitors isn't cheap but you'll need one of you're married, there's no way round it.

Women's Aid are a domestic abuse charity, they're not free lawyers.

You need to report him to the police, the way he is treating you is a crime and there are things they can do to help you, reporting him is an important part of the process of getting him out of your home.

Women's Aid may offer to re-home you in one of their refuges but it won't be free because you work (although you may be entitled to a top up from universal credit depending on income) and you won't be able to take your dogs. You'd need to either board them in kennels or leave them with a friend until you sort your life out and cam have them back.

Women's Aid can also help you come up with a plan of how to leave him if you're feeling unable to do so immediately for whatever reason.

PP is correct we all mean leave the relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean leaving the home.

Absolutely you leave !!! Please stay safe x

Just seen that younown the home ! Maybe change locks and call police and say that u want an injunction against them both if he try’s to gain entry that’s against the law x

OP if you can't get through on the main number for Women's Aid you can call your local branch, local police will have the phone number. Or you can visit the local branch, you don't need an appointment.

Start with Women's Aid
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Please involve the police in this. It could escalate extremely quickly. I wouldn’t hesitate to call social services either tbh buying her vodka every weekend? They both sound like a pair of alcoholic losers. Hopefully the eldest ends up out of the family.

Seek help, this cannot go on- good luck

Op is married. Just because the house is in her name doesn't mean she can make her husband and his children homeless. It's a marital asset

Op, get urgent legal advice on a possible divorce and whether you can/should stay in the house. If he is violent or abusive and you can prove that then that may help you with, for example, legal aid, and having him removed from the house.

Separately you need to safeguard your stepdaughters as they are both under 18. Please speak to their schools urgently or refer to your local child safeguarding team to raise your concerns

There will be factors that affect whether the home is viewed as a marital asset to be split. When it was purchased, the length of the marriage, who has primary residence his kids, whether there are any shared children, his contribution to mortgage/upkeep etc.

if he’s violent or threatening the police will still remove him regardless of whether it’s a marital asset.

A solicitor and Women's Aid.

You haven't said if your house is mortgaged or rented.
As you are married it may be judged as a marital asset.

Legally it might be in your favour not starting any divorce proceedings until DSD are 18 and 16. Your solicitor will be able to tell you.

Now is the time to get your ducks in a row money, admin, escape plan.