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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't know what to do, please help

85 replies

YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 30/10/2023 12:26

I have been with my DP for 5 years, I have one DD (age 11) and 2 SDD (10 and 8). Both SDD have ADHD and DP is autistic. Over the past year I have been struggling on and off to cope with my SDDs. I know and understand a lot of their behaviors stem to their diagnosis and I try so hard to help them, however I am increasingly finding it so hard and struggling to hide it anymore. The eldest SDD is beginning to have fall outs with my DD. My DD is amazing and is incredibly supportive of both SDDs, but she is also starting to show signs of struggles. My DP defends his daughters and says it's just the conditions, but it is so hard. I feel awful, but I really don't know how much longer I can cope.

OP posts:
cultureplanet · 30/10/2023 12:27

What are the “conditions”?

cultureplanet · 30/10/2023 12:27

Are they on meds?

cultureplanet · 30/10/2023 12:28

Must be utterly awful for your poor daughter

Iloveshoes123 · 30/10/2023 12:29

If your DD is suffering I’m afraid you need to leave. She didn’t ask to be out in this position. I’m sorry for your DP and DSDs but your DD (and your mental health) should be your priority.

Iloveshoes123 · 30/10/2023 12:30

cultureplanet · 30/10/2023 12:27

What are the “conditions”?

I think she means the fact both DSDs have ADHD - their condition

Original poster
YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 30/10/2023 12:37

Yes they both have ADHD. Not on meds. DP and their mum don't want to give them it. My DD is really fond of my DP and the youngest DSD, it's just the eldest. I'm terrified to leave, I can't afford to. I don't want to hurt anyone. But my MH is on the floor.

OP posts:
Iloveshoes123 · 30/10/2023 12:42

@YesNoMaybeSo1234 I think you need a plan to leave as it doesn’t sound sustainable. Do you work? Did you have your own place before DP?

Invisiboo · 30/10/2023 12:42

What are the things they are actually doing? That might help to get better advice or suggestions on how to manage the situation or work through it (if you feel that is what is in you and your daughter's best interests and what you want to do).

EvenBetta · 30/10/2023 12:43

Your kid needs to come before your boyfriend and his kids. Whose house is it?
It’s fine to have tried living together and it didn’t work out, no need for anyone to be hurt.

cultureplanet · 30/10/2023 12:43

YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 30/10/2023 12:37

Yes they both have ADHD. Not on meds. DP and their mum don't want to give them it. My DD is really fond of my DP and the youngest DSD, it's just the eldest. I'm terrified to leave, I can't afford to. I don't want to hurt anyone. But my MH is on the floor.

What an absolute shit show

GrazingSheep · 30/10/2023 12:45

You have to leave for your daughter’s sake.

Original poster
YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 30/10/2023 12:46

Yes I work FT. I've been really lucky before and always had my own place, however this time we bought together. I do have a legal document signed to say that the deposit is mine and not to be split.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2023 12:49

Strip away all of the excuses to not leave and make a plan to get out. Quickly. Save your own child. Put her first. I predict that things will worsen dramatically as the other girls get older.

Original poster
YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 30/10/2023 12:50

Ignoring instructions, extreme bossing about, zero cleanliness. DP continuously saying how clever the eldest is (minimizing any of the other childrens achievements, this has aso fed her behaviour to believe she is always right)

OP posts:
Invisiboo · 30/10/2023 13:05

That would be awful to live with constantly, particularly if your partner isn't doing very anything about it, but it's not necessarily insurmountable. Have you spoken to your partner about it? I would try to discuss with him the impact that the behaviour is having on you and your DD as individuals, but also all of you as a family. Your DP needs to deal with it, also for his daughter's sake because it will also affect her going through life if she can't listen to instructions or if she thinks she knows more than everyone else. I would suggest family counselling to him and see if he's open to it.

My oldest stepson was constantly being told how clever he was and then would believe he knew more than everyone else. Eventually my DH started seeing it as well and so he will tell him when he's being obnoxious and remind him that he doesn't always know best or know everything. He was also very controlling of his siblings and bossy to the point of bullying but that is all started to get much better, but it didn't and couldn't until his dad saw it and started to address it and that's what your partner needs to do. He's not doing his daughter any favours with it.

If it comes to it could you ask him to move out and you date without living together to minimise the impact of the behaviour on your daughter?

Iloveshoes123 · 30/10/2023 13:09

@YesNoMaybeSo1234
So you sound like you could afford to leave, the house will just have to be sold. Could you get a smaller house for you and DD with your deposit and manage the mortgage?

Original poster
YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 30/10/2023 13:21

@Invisiboo I have spoken to him about it as few times but he either panics about me leaving and goes into a meltdown or does the opposite and brushes off her behavior. If I leave him, I don't think he'll be safe on his own. I know deep down that he finds the children exhausting, as he gets burnout quite easily (reminder that he is autistic), but of course he loves them and wants to be involved in their lives. We had them a few extra days over the half term but he slept for at least 2 hours in the day as he was drained.

OP posts:
Original poster
YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 30/10/2023 13:22

@Iloveshoes123 yes I could, but nowhere near her school and family etc

OP posts:
NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 30/10/2023 13:24

You are not being fair to your DD if you prioritize the mental health and safety of others over yours and DD’s. You need to get the hell out of dodge and let him adult for his family - or not.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/10/2023 13:28

I'm sorry to say this op, as I'm sure you want solutions which involve you staying - there aren't any. I have a dd with probable adhd- it is extremely hard work, and gets harder and harder, as they are 'supposed' to get more independent in to teenage years, and, can't. Now for you is the easiest time it will be, for the next at least 5 years get harder, I don't know yet past 15. And, I have the benefit of absolute unconditional love for my dd, and it's still hard hard work.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/10/2023 13:29

Your loyalty should not be to your dp op, it should be to your dd.

Backagain23 · 30/10/2023 13:30

Most things feel better when you're not dealing with them alone.
This is the usual sorry tale of a DP problem being pinned on kids.
If he won't engage in how to manage his childrens behaviours for all your sakes then he is the biggest problem and the biggest blocker to a happy resolution.
I know you're not ready to take the step but I'd seriously consider stating to make plans for your exit from this situation. Have a way out also males most things feel more bearable.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2023 13:39

YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 30/10/2023 13:21

@Invisiboo I have spoken to him about it as few times but he either panics about me leaving and goes into a meltdown or does the opposite and brushes off her behavior. If I leave him, I don't think he'll be safe on his own. I know deep down that he finds the children exhausting, as he gets burnout quite easily (reminder that he is autistic), but of course he loves them and wants to be involved in their lives. We had them a few extra days over the half term but he slept for at least 2 hours in the day as he was drained.

Read what you've written, op. You are putting a man over the well-being of your child. It isn't your job to manage your partner or to make sure he can "cope." You are not his fixer.

IncomingTraffic · 30/10/2023 13:48

YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 30/10/2023 13:21

@Invisiboo I have spoken to him about it as few times but he either panics about me leaving and goes into a meltdown or does the opposite and brushes off her behavior. If I leave him, I don't think he'll be safe on his own. I know deep down that he finds the children exhausting, as he gets burnout quite easily (reminder that he is autistic), but of course he loves them and wants to be involved in their lives. We had them a few extra days over the half term but he slept for at least 2 hours in the day as he was drained.

If your DH cannot cope with contact with his children due to his ASD, he’s going to need to have a very serious think about what a sustainable course of action is. It doesn’t matter that he wants to be involved in their lives if he simply cannot cope with the reality of it.

Right now he’s leaving you to bear the brunt of it all - and support him to. All while his choices and actions (constantly telling his eldest how great she is) are making everything worse.

You need to make your DD and yourself your priority here.

GrazingSheep · 30/10/2023 14:01

A child has one childhood. You are wrecking hers.

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