I don't know what to do, please help

[YesNoMaybeSo1234]

I have been with my DP for 5 years, I have one DD (age 11) and 2 SDD (10 and 8). Both SDD have ADHD and DP is autistic. Over the past year I have been struggling on and off to cope with my SDDs. I know and understand a lot of their behaviors stem to their diagnosis and I try so hard to help them, however I am increasingly finding it so hard and struggling to hide it anymore. The eldest SDD is beginning to have fall outs with my DD. My DD is amazing and is incredibly supportive of both SDDs, but she is also starting to show signs of struggles. My DP defends his daughters and says it's just the conditions, but it is so hard. I feel awful, but I really don't know how much longer I can cope.

read the op. Just read it carefully. Now imagine being this young pre pubescent girl in this family environment.

you think it’s “spiteful” to be pretty appalled that this girl is so alone and that her mother is not advocating for her

This 11 year old is living with her mother’s boyfriend who is autistic and his two children with ADHD… NONE of whom are on any medication because they don’t “want” to be on medication.

In what way is OP a “great” mum @bluejelly ?

Op, I would have an open chat with your DD. Ask her how she is feeling and what she wants. If she is unhappy, then you need to leave, for the sake of both your happiness but also for the sake of your future relationship with your daughter.

If there a refusal to explore medication then there will likely continue to be issues without improvement.

You've had a bashing here, haven't you OP.

Obviously you couldn't have predicted exactly how difficult it was going to be blending families & lots of people do with success. Granted some times it doesn't as you have found.

I can understand to some some extent why you wanted to try to make it work it and it is unfortunate that are now in a position where the only option seems to be to separate especially as it will be a bit tricky to extricate yourself financially from the situation. You were smart enough to protect your deposit so if you do split that comes back to you.

Perhaps in hindsight (wonderful thing) it would have been better to have kept living arrangements separate until children were older but what's done is done.

You now have to think about what is best for you and DD and it that means being selfish so be it.
I know it seems to massive to sort but it'll be ok, I promise.

You need to set clear boundaries, and stick by them. Make it clear to your dd that this is what you are doing. If your bf won't play by your rules, he leaves or sees his dc elsewhere.

Rule 1 - he stops this crap about the eldest being brilliant. You all have an open conversation about how she is a problem and must change if she is to stay within the family units. Behaviours that are not OK are described, any time she does these behaviours you call it out and she is removed from the situation.

Rule 2 - your daughter is not a carer. She does not have to put up with absolutely anything 'because of their condition'. If their parents don't want to manage their conditions with medication, they have to manage them by removing them from any situation where they are disruptive. This is on them, not on you or your dd. He does not get to go have a break and leave you to deal with his dd.

Rule 3 - cleanliness is not negotiable.

Disabilities are not an excuse to wreck other people's lives. Everyone in my family has ADHD, we do not behave like arses to each other. It is a fairly easy condition to manage, even without medication.

It's crappy parenting to refuse your child medicine that they need. Leave him to it.

What an awful situation.

My youngest is going through a diagnosis for ADHD and I'd be very surprised if he doesn't have it. I think any child who has additional support needs needs a lot of extra parenting not to have their behaviour excused by their condition. The parents need to teach their kids how to exist and cope with the world we live in in a safe and beneficial way. It doesn't sound like these parents are doing that and as a result you and your daughter are suffering.
You say he slept for 2 hours at least a day while he was meant to be looking after his kids, do you not see how unacceptable it is that he brought 2 more kids to your joint home then just left you to deal with them?
He probably is tired but I'd bet you are exhausted, does your mental health not matter? Just his?
It honestly sounds like things have gone too far to be fixed, he's decided you and your DD are his live in childcare and I really think you need to start making a plan to leave.

How do you know about her father? Have I missed that bit?

All I would say to you, OP, as a mum to ADHD child myself, is that at 10, you ain't see nothin' yet.

DS was tricky up to about 11. Now at 15.5 we appear to be emerging through into a calmer period.

11 to 14? I don't know how we survived. He was horrendous. Violent. Aggressive. Tantrums. Lying. He was a deeply unlikeable child for 3yrs. And this is coming from his mother. Had he not been my own child, there's no way in the world I would have been able to cope with his behaviour. And he is medicated This is not uncommon, and many ADHD parents will tell you that 11-14 are the years from hell.

He is infinitely better now. Still the odd bad day, but totally manageable.

I would genuinely leave in your shoes.

Totally agree @ChristmasCrumpet

Early teenage hormones plus adhd - horror show

I'm going to make a guess here - your fear is if you "abandon" your partner - the implications are thrice fold (him, his children, you). Whereas you are currently trying to protect your daughter and see that as achievable - because your default is to "fix/care" for everyone?

Your presence is not mandated. Your absence does not determine the course of your partners family - that is on him and his family to seek/engage supports. It is not your responsibility - adults are not responsible for other adults that is not how life works.

You are responsible for your daughter - you have permission to prioritise her - that does not make you a bad person. It makes you a responsible person. Take her away from this situation.

I agree you need to move out, it's so unfair on your daughter.

The op won’t be back

the responses have been “rude” and she’s appalled.

i feel for her daughter

ASD / ADHD are not excuses for this kind of behaviour ( i have a daughter with diagnosed both and we still uphold the same standards of behaviour for her as the others and we support her to meet them )

It sounds to me like the problem ( as is often the case) is that your DP doesn't deal with anything properly. He uses the diagnosis as an excuse for crap parenting.

You need to leave, put your dd first.

I would think that your dp and dsds would manage better in a house with fewer people anyway.

I have a child with asd. He would not cope in a blended family.

I am here.

I've read every response and to be frank, I can guarantee that a lot of you and single mums who don't let Dads be involved. So much judgement it's beyond belief. A problem comes up in a relationship and your answer is to just leave. None of you know my situation 100%, yes a couple of you have asked for further information and I have given it, yet still absolutely slaughtered me and you don't even know me. No wonder MN has an appalling reputation. Some of you people will drive people to really deep MH issues.

What on earth are you on about Op?

Waffle and nonsense. Read your OP.

Good luck to your daughter. She’s going to need it

What on earth makes you think that ‘a lot of [us] are single mums who don’t let dads be involved’?

there’s nothing wrong with being a single mum. And most single mums would like their children’s dad to pull their bloody weight.

Your DP clearly has levels of contact that he cannot sustain with his autism. So he leaves you to do the work while he has a nap.

Your primary responsibility is to your daughter though. Your partner is an adult (even if he is autistic) and his children are his responsibility. He's not looking out for your mental health, nor your daughter’s wellbeing.

Thats why people are responding in the way they are. Not because we’re all nasty, man-hating harpies.

@YesNoMaybeSo1234

you may not like the wording or phrasing but the sentiments are understandable and unanimous

your child is being bullied in her own home, and on your watch.

your ‘d’p is pouring petrol onto the flames by failing to treat, manage or discipline his dds. You have no allies in this and you’re on your own.

you do need to get your dd out of this situation. If you paid the whole deposit, your p needs to leave and you can sell the house or rent it and rent something smaller for you and dd just until you’re back on your feet.

please don’t shoot the messenger here, it’s about looking at this through a young girls eyes who is powerless in this situation and it’s damaging her

the sooner you get these people out of your home, the sooner you’ll start to see her recovery

A problem comes up in a relationship and your answer is to just leave

But this isn't about YOU!

it's about your poor daughter...

What does it take for you to understand that your current living arrangement is actually harming her?

This.

His priority is himself and his nap.

HIS two children.

You and your daughter don't figure at all.

Your MH and that of your daughters are irrelevant.

Your daughter is collateral damage to his priorities.

Things will get a lot worse with his children while you dither.

Nothing should be more important than your own child's well being and future.

Absolutely nothing.

Good grief. You really are not grasping the magnitude of what's at stake here, and your blinders are still firmly in place.

You think this is just "a problem?" Problems can be fixed. You are in an abusive relationship where you are choosing to put your manipulative partner and his kids before your own child. This is a catastrophe, not a "problem", and your daughter is the collateral damage.

Huff and puff and be as nonsensically defensive as you like, you know you need to leave this man.

you know you need to leave this man.

i dont think she does. In any event, she doesn’t want to. Sod her poor DD basically

This post is important enough to be quoted so it can be read twice.