I don't know what to do, please help

[YesNoMaybeSo1234]

I have been with my DP for 5 years, I have one DD (age 11) and 2 SDD (10 and 8). Both SDD have ADHD and DP is autistic. Over the past year I have been struggling on and off to cope with my SDDs. I know and understand a lot of their behaviors stem to their diagnosis and I try so hard to help them, however I am increasingly finding it so hard and struggling to hide it anymore. The eldest SDD is beginning to have fall outs with my DD. My DD is amazing and is incredibly supportive of both SDDs, but she is also starting to show signs of struggles. My DP defends his daughters and says it's just the conditions, but it is so hard. I feel awful, but I really don't know how much longer I can cope.

How often do you have the DSDs?

You weren’t “lucky” OP

you were sensible

then for some unfathomable reason you decided not to be sensible

and now you and your poor daughter are in the eye of a shit-storm

Scribbled on a post-it?

Or a legal document put together by a solicitor?

Whenever an op titles their thread, "I don't know what to do", they ALWAYS know what they need to do, they just refuse to do it.

You know your daughter is suffering, and you know you need to leave this man. You're just refusing to do it because you think it's easier to contend with the devil you know than to make big changes.

@cultureplanet wow, that is some language to use that is incredibly helpful. Unbelievable.

I came here asking for help and advice. Not insults.

Read the post you have quoted. A legal document.

OP instead of picking on one poster you think is rude - answer the other posters who have explained to you that you need to draw up a a plan and leave asap.

Even if you have to move to the other end of the country to separate from your partner, it would be better for your DD's welfare and your own mental health.

You need to ignore your partner's emotional blackmail attempts on you. He is an adult who is responsible for his own health.

Also as you stated you have family around you there is nothing stopping your DD deciding in a couple of years that she is going to live with one of them full-time to avoid living with your partner and his children.

There is another thread on here from a step-mother who was being gaslit and abuse by her partner plus also abused by his ex and their children. She eventually got the courage to leave and is in the process of doing so. You must do the same.

“Rude”?

Sure OP - worry about rudeness

You said you were lucky. I pointed out it wasn’t “luck”

what you have outlined sounds like a shitty childhood for your daughter but 🤷‍♀️ you don’t seem all that galvanised to make a change

What you've done there with culture planet op, is heard advice you didn't want to hear, so rather than consider it, you're covering your hands over your ears and shouting la la la.

Just because @cultureplanet's interpretation of your situation and her advice weren't couched in "there-there it's not your fault" type language, doesn't mean it isn't valid. In my view she nailed it.

Your poor daughter didn't sign up for this. Living with your DP and his daughters is not only not benefiting her, it is actually harming her. And I suspect the current environment no longer meets your needs either as it must be very stressful. So what are you planning to do - what solutions do you see that do not involve leaving?

Leaving seems a bit much to me as a first course of action, unless you want to then of course do it. no one would blame you, you need to prioritise your Mh and your dd

however if you were going to stay, I’d look at some therapy and maybe some parenting help for dp. ‘Conditions’ does not excuse all behaviour, certainly there should be some understanding and allowances, but it doesn’t mean freedom to do as you please.
I would decide what rules you want in place and I would speak to dp. Consider realistic ways to enforce these, and have a family meeting.

some things like bossiness obviously wouldn’t be dealt with under the rules, but you can redirect, ask her not to do so, ask dp not to minimise the intelligence of the others or constantly tell her she’s right etc.

regardless of the conditions, assuming they’re capable of mainstream school, work etc. They’re going to need to behave and know how to act in the world and DP is doing them a disservice if he does not want to teach them how to get along with people, carry out basic hygiene etc.

obviously if he isn’t capable of parenting effectively or supporting you in setting rules that is a different situation. Equally if you’re too exhausted to deal with this then that is fair enough too, but you know it can’t stay as it is

Lots of people are being unfairly aggressive to the OP here.

She’s found herself in a situation that’s becoming increasingly untenable. She’s clearly been trying to show empathy towards her partner, who is autistic, and his daughters who have ADHD. It sounds like he’s been taking advantage of that empathy to avoid having to parent his daughters more effectively.

OP,

Bottom line is you have been sucked into a carer skivvy au pair situation and your partner will put him and his children first to protect the status quo.

You think your MH is bad now?

Imagine what it is going to be like when you stay and your daughter is so damaged and starts to act out, and you realise your choice to put him and HIS daughters first has had a catastrophic affect on your daughter?

When she starts asking you why you failed her, put others first, didn't protect her, and when she judges you really really harshly?

How will you feel then?

Because that's whats ahead of you.

Be brave.

Start planning.

Put your child first.

Your daughter does not deserve this.

A mother whose choices have led to her MH being in bits.

Your daughter deserves her mother well.

Your sole responsibility is to your child, not his children.

Expect push back from him.

Men hate loosing free childcare.

The posts are not harsh.

They are advocating for your daughter because you are not.

Do the right thing by YOUR child.

Does your daughter have contact with her Dad? Maybe she could live with him and have contact with you when the SD's are with their Mum.

Even if this were possible, what message would it send to her daughter...

Bloody hell - that advice amounts to just send your DD away so you can concentrate on the SC and their father.

That must be peak MN stepparenting advice.

You need to leave for your dds sake. It’s your job to put her first, not your husbands ability to cope with his kids. Ime sd behaviour will get worse in puberty.

The op should essentially abandon her daughter, (and that is exactly how her daughter would feel), so she can devote all of her energies to her abusive, manipulative boyfriend and his children?

This must be a joke.

Am I the only one who completely read that comment about 5 ago, as a joke? It was sarcasm based on the fact that the op is putting her partner first, so it was just a suggestion to go a step further. Wasn't it?!?

This is MN stepparenting @arethereanyleftatall, so it’s not outwith the bounds of possibility that someone is seriously giving that advice out to a SM.

I was, of course, being sarcastic.
The poor child is basically being bullied in her own home. Her mum should put her daughter first and leave.. but she won't..

The irony is - living with her father instead would no doubt be the best solution for this poor girl

Gosh some unnecessarily harsh comments. I agree you need to prioritise you and your daughter's mental health/happiness though. But you sound a great mum and I'm sure you'll find a way through this, even if it means moving out.
I would start with some counselling for you to help figure out next steps (and share the load with someone neutral). Good luck

I disagree

You have zero knowledge of her father, so this is assumptive and designed purely to stick the boot in.

Are you spiteful in RL, or just from behind a screen?

Op you haven't explained the arrangements, which makes it hard to make suggestions.

Are SDD living with you full time?