The sh*tty rules stepmoms live by

[Sadandconfusedinstepland]

I can’t say I follow these but they seem to be what’s expected. I think I’ve got them all but do add yours so we can all have a chuckle…

You must love your SCs unconditionally but never discipline them.

You must provide free childcare but never refer to it as such.

You must spend your own funds joining family days out but only do things the SCs want to do. No fun for you!

You must stretch your food budget to accommodate fussy SCs while no meal is ever appreciated anyway.

You must put up with all manner of kids’ challenging behaviour but never seek to address it with your partner, who would take this as a deep criticism of himself as a parent and sulk for days.

You must never complain because step parenting is such a well understood and oft-discussed situation and so fully accepted in society that they teach it in schools. So obviously you ‘knew full well’ what you were getting into!

Yoy can't do anything with just your child as the sc miss out. Even if their own mother does loads with them.

Don't get with a man who has children then.

The bonus of divorce is never having to see them or their dm ever ever again though!!
I hated being a sm. No shame in admitting it imo.

Also: if their own actual mom does very little with them, you have to pick up the slack because um…

See my final rule of stepmomming. None of us know beforehand. We don’t read these boards until it’s too late. Face palm.

Oh op I wondered how long it would take for the 'You knew what you were getting into' brigade showed up. 😂

I have learnt not to be warts and all when it comes to talking about it actually feels to be a stepmum sometimes (apart from the positive bits) because most people don't care or want you to have any negative feelings about it. The only people I trust to be completely honest with about how it feels sometimes is my own mum and my sister. Sad fact but society just wants you to be either a complete wicked witch or Mary Poppins. It can't cope with you just being human and somewhere in between. Everyone has a moan about their kids or their job or their partner sometimes and what that feels like - you know, just life and that's socially acceptable. But if you're looking after someone else's kids - stick your sack cloth and ashes on, head down and keep shtum. 😉

I'll add: stepchildren must have their own rooms, doesn't matter if you can't afford another mortgage for their extra bedrooms they must always feel at home. Even if they only stay once or twice a month!
Don't ever not include them in anything. They must come first because of apparent trauma of having 2 homes and families and getting 2 lots of everything, presents, holidays etc.

These aren’t the rules that *all stepmums have to live by, just those with a sh tty partner.

Some men with DC from a previous relationship can and do parent their own children appropriately. Others choose to palm them off to their new DP, whilst acting like a Disney dad and blaming everything on their on their controlling / bitter ex.

I’m not saying that blended families don’t have additional challenges, I grew up in a blended family and now have one of my own. However time and time again there seem to be posts about DSC / BM etc causing problems, when in many cases the real issue seems to be the ‘D’P.

I imagine that if you had met these men before they had DC, they would still be sh* tty partners, just in different ways.

*prepares to get flamed as I know that this will be an unpopular opinion on the step-parent board

I don’t stick to any rules.

I do what’s right for my kids first.

My dm never even met my dsc but his ex went nuts she paid for a caravan break for us and my dc...

@Lilyt14 I do agree, plenty of posts on here show that shitty dads or dads just mishandling things make them 100 times worse.

I used to be a SM and now I’m (thank fucking god) not anymore . .

My kids do have a SM like figure now though, I try to use my experiences of dealing with SK and their DM with her so I’m not being that DM lol. I make sure to not cause her any grief or extra work etc.

Feel for her though, just like a lot of women on this thread, myself back in the day and his wife before that. Her problem isn’t me or the kids, her problem is that she’s stuck with that useless abusive twat who’ll be treating her like a unpaid maid/nanny/prostitute like he has everyone before her.

I think the latest thing is that step children absolutely must each have their own bedroom even though they only stay two nights a month, but your child has to share with you or go in the shed😀

Those aren't the rules I've lived by with my stepkids. No one has ever expected me to love them like my own. I've told them off. I'm not sure what you mean by childcare - they lived with us so were part of the regular routine. If I was the only one available for X or Y I did it didn't find that an issue.
The stepkids never dictated what we did .
And of course we discussed any challenging behaviour! One of them went through a very difficult time (was expelled from school). Most of 'what to do' was between my husband and his ex but as he lived with us we certainly talked about it.
Sorry seems like you have an issue with your partner, not your stepkids.

Does it occur to you it might also be quite shitty for the step-children?

These type of threds ae ebcoming predictable nastier and half of what is said I have only ever seen said by SMS to exagerrate

The only person who benefits from blended families like that are the dads, because it's no picnic for the children either.

@Sadandconfusedinstepland
Op of its your home to, you have a say of what goes on, like my 8 year old dsd came here a few weeks ago wanted to do something said her mum wouldn't allow her to do it in her house, she was told point blank told no here to, I'm nit going to bow down and let them do what ever they want just because they are sks, you know why because me and dp bought this house together both work hard to pay mortgage and its my home aswell x

That’s not the point of the post. It’s about what it’s like for the SP.

Can’t make your own routines and traditions at Christmas and birthdays etc. You inherit the routine the DM and DF had with your DSC and you cannot deviate from it ever, even with your own DC

@HideousKinky Yes it does, it really does. And you can do everything in your power to try and counteract that and make everything and smooth and comfortable as possible in your home and also to put yourself in their shoes. It helps a lot of course. But at the end of the day you don't control the narrative they hear elsewhere.

I also completely appreciate there are some terrible shitty and downright cruel or clueless stepmums or dads and some awful dads. I think the point it often seems like everyone is ready to hear that story. But it often seems like people aren't ready to hear from step parents are trying to do right by the child or just struggling - they seem to get shut down in one way or another.

I also appreciate that there are many women who are mature, and have good co-parenting relationship with dad and also stepmum. But let's be real. There are good and shitty parents on all sides. And either way, it's shit for the children.

It may be shitty for the step parents.

it is also shitty for the step children.

and only one of those chose the situation and has any control over it.

I don’t agree that you don’t know beforehand. I would never date a man with children because I know I don’t want to be a step mum ever. I don’t think you have to love them like your own either I think that’s crazy!

Well maybe you knew, but many others didn't.

Personally I'd never given it much thought.

Then that’s your problem. Should not be something you go into without much thought.