The sh*tty rules stepmoms live by

[Sadandconfusedinstepland]

I can’t say I follow these but they seem to be what’s expected. I think I’ve got them all but do add yours so we can all have a chuckle…

You must love your SCs unconditionally but never discipline them.

You must provide free childcare but never refer to it as such.

You must spend your own funds joining family days out but only do things the SCs want to do. No fun for you!

You must stretch your food budget to accommodate fussy SCs while no meal is ever appreciated anyway.

You must put up with all manner of kids’ challenging behaviour but never seek to address it with your partner, who would take this as a deep criticism of himself as a parent and sulk for days.

You must never complain because step parenting is such a well understood and oft-discussed situation and so fully accepted in society that they teach it in schools. So obviously you ‘knew full well’ what you were getting into!

That’s a fair point that I perhaps hadn’t considered. Again, thankfully my dp doesn’t treat ours differently and all of the kids know they are equally loved and treated.

I’m a step child.

I’m now a parent and a step parent, no shared children.

I thought my own experience of being a step child had set me in good stead for step parenting and to a great extent it has.

However absolutely nothing could have prepared me for the wildly different parenting styles that I would have to navigate whilst parenting my own child.

It would be easier to have my step children full time rather than the current 50/50 by a country mile. I would leave if contact decreased because I simply would not be able to cope with the behaviour their mother deems acceptable in a shorter timeframe.

My DSS was 2 when I met him ( his mother was the one who had an affair, broke down theareiage and left a note on the kitchen table to I form DP she was taking their child and leaving him).

That relationship broke down and within weeks she was living with another man. From age about 4-5 I started seeing signs of him being from a home with domestic violence ( unfortunatly have some experince from my cousins when they were ypunger). This was confirmed when he was 7 and strepdad beat the crap out of mum. She left yay, then went back ( shit). Ss, school, police involvement. 2 private solicitors told DP not to bother pursuing primary residency as it was an 'isolated incident'. She finally left him ( yay) and within 2 months had moved in a new man 😕

There are so many threads on here about watching the impact of seeing your child going to visit an abusive parent but as a stepparent you are not allowed to have a worry about sending a child you love to an abusive environment.

There was no way to see this happen when he was 2. Much like many aspects of parenting it's unpredictable.

Also in relation life I can moan about DSS in the same way I moan / vent about my own kids. We divide and conquer childcare due to vastly different ages. This includes camping where DSS spends 8 hours in the sea surfing and body boarding with dad while I'm at home with the little ones conversely the little ones will go away camping for a couple days where we go to soft plays and playgrounds ( more age appropiate).

It's the putting children on pedstles that is bad for them.

I really love the second part of your post and I think it sums it up perfectly Thankyou

The thing I find hardest about being an SP is finding an outlet to vent, I really do love my stepchild and have a very positive relationship with them but I find myself needing to sound off a lot particularly about their Mums behaviour but am always conscious people will listen and think I am unhinged/ obsessed/ jealous whatever or incapable of being objective (I can probably be all those things but mostly I think I'm justified and it's based on first hand experience)

I have found some very helpful advice on MN but have also been pretty shocked by some attitudes.
Things that suggest for example once you hand the child back to other home nothing that happens their is yours or partner's business or that you should take no responsibility for this child that lives in your home as part of your family- like the partnership you have with the father you love should play no part in contributing to this child's life (child care etc) and just matter of factly suit your self even if that makes things really difficult for your partner and the child, I just can't believe real life families can operate like that and if they do I am incredibly sad for everyone involved.

I think the comments about a step parent knowing what they are getting into are pretty invalid. My feelings towards my step child and family situation changed drastically when I had my own DC and knowing what I know now, I would not do it again. I also wouldn’t expect anyone else to get into a relationship with me and act as a step parent to my children. I think the poster who said that as a step mum you’re to be seen and not heard came the closest to how I feel you’re expected to behave in the role. It’s also that constant feeling that whatever you do is never right or never enough, DH wants me to feel things that I don’t and SD wants me to take a long walk off a short plank despite the fact that out of all her parental figures it’s me that’s done the most for her and with her.

Oh absolutely with you on it being harder when you’re dealing with a birth mother who has v different (in our case far lower) standards. My DSS have challenging behaviour issues but we manage. They have activities and eat their food at the table and do proper bedrooms. At BMs they are put in a gaming room they choose their bedtime they eat sweets for breakfast. I know cos they tell me and BM even tells dad! At BM’s they smash up the house and wee on the floor. This is a 50-50 arrangement. I wish they were my foster kids. It will never happen because the golden uterus knows exactly how to play the courts and schools etc to her advantage.

So grateful for this post and some are of the comments.. I've recently became a SM due to a long legal battle for partner to see children and I've just recently had a baby via csection...so obviously still quite sore and doing my best with a nice dose of pregnancy carpal tunnel on the side.

The issue is my partner's ex is a total nightmare. She constantly attacks us via social media posts, harasses us with weird greeting cards and shouts abuse in public places. He had to go through a court process for access which was hard on him emotionally and she was determined that he would not see them, threatened contact centres etc. Now we have our DD she has completely changed her mind and wants us to have them all day every Saturday and Sunday as well as a week day already in place. I like the children and am glad he's getting to see them. However, I am absolutely drained and struggling at times to provide the energy levels to entertain them, as well as the demands of looking after the new baby. They are kind to baby but want to pick her up and 'help' constantly and I don't want to seem mean by asking them to give the baby a break. I feel on egg shells a lot because his ex partner has been so unpleasant and therefore I feel I have to act like some kind of Mary Poppins at all times (I appreciate this is a self imposed pressure but I can't help it). Never anticipated I would feel so annoyed with how I can't say anything as he feels it's a personal criticism. She sends them in scruffy clothes and they're always hungry and I am going out buying new clothes for them which is a stretch on maternity budget.

Anybody else been in this position and have ways to navigate? When I try to talk about it with partner he says his kids are causing arguments between us but it's not the case. I need him to appreciate I'm adapting to lots of changes (0 to 3 children!!) and am doing my best. Sorry for long post and hope things get easier for everyone.

I've been a "SM" twice (both very long term relationships, but never married) and there was a marked difference between the two relationships.

The first, the kids mum was beyond a bellend. Spiteful, point scoring, probably the nastiest person I've ever encountered. But. My DP danced to her tune because "she'll stop me seeing the kids." She was 90% of the reason I left (and others after me), which she was thrilled about...if she couldn't have him, she was going to make sure no one else could stand to be around her constant abuse. The kids were frankly horrible as well, which was not their fault, they were a product of their environment.

The second, they both hated each other, no doubt. But were excellent parents. Never bad mouthed each other. Put the kids first, always. It was apparently a bit fractious before I was on the scene, so he took her to court, things were set in stone, and they both went by that. Our relationship was great. Together over ten years, and still friends now, just drifted. The kids were great, lovely young people, who have become lovely adults, and still keep in touch now.

Being a step parent isn't hard, unless one/both of the actual parents are idiots. In my first scenario, it was her...but my partner allowed it. All this "oh I have too, she'll stop me from seeing them" crap all the time. But never could be arsed to get a court order drawn up to remove the issue. Pretending he had to meet her ridiculous demands, when all he needed to do was deal with it properly. So actually? Both are the problem.

In the latter scenario, I have a feeling it started in a similar manner, but he nipped it in the bud and got it done, clear cut, through court. She then saw that any dicking about on her part wasn't going to have the results she desired, and so just got on with being a co parent, and actually, by the time I turned up, the pair of them were two of the best co parents I've met. Their lovely children are testament to that.

Being a step parent isn't hard. It can actually be great. Being a step parent with an idiot actual parent is impossible.

Dsd lives with us full time and I don't recognise any of these except picking up the slack for her own mum, it's not her mum does nothing but with dsd being older her mum doesn't seem to think she needs to do all the parent duty stuff like watching performances, attending things etc so I go, sometimes without dp due to his work. I don't mind but being a parent doesn't stop at 18

Sounds exactly like my scenario.. everyone is scared of what she'll do so she gets away with all sorts. Shame it ruins relationships and kids' loves!

@ChristmasCrumpet has it exactly right. The step kids themselves are fine and I love them. But their Mum makes our lives hell and her attitude towards us is starting to be mirrored by the kids-one of them in particular is completely enmeshed with her-and it's tough to deal with both in terms of how they are with me and Dh but additionally in terms of how upset dh gets. He feels is is losing his kids gradually and the effect that has on him and us is massive.

So firstly congratulations on your baby.

Secondly you will usually get more responses if you start your own thread but I expect your in that lovely no sleep phase and not fried so I will bite and answer post.

As you maybe able to tell from some previous answers. Co parenting is v hard when your partner dumps the all the unfinished parenting stuff at your door (which it sounds like the case here) that combined with a tricky ex your in for a bumpy ride. The biggest problem got have is your dh here. Kids need routine at the best of times and shuffling thing around isn't good for them. Having your first baby is also so bloody hard.

It gets easier

Aw thank you, yes I'm definitely living on limited sleep and it's been a shock to system to say the least. Thanks for being kind, I'm going to look at the tips here and hope for the best!!! Xx

I'm glad I married a childless man. So much more straightforward. My DS was late teens when we met and my DH and DS became friends. That is their relationship, friends, even all these years later.

When I read some threads here about step family dynamics, I'm shocked.

I had a wonderful step mother, I loved her dearly and she was a great influence in my life. My dad got together with her in 81, married in 82, he died in 85…she was in my life until she died in 2011 and was a wonderful nanny to my children. I miss her dreadfully😢

Being a step parent isn't hard, unless one/both of the actual parents are idiots.

I just wanted to say, because on this threads is always a loud chorus of "it's never the kids, always the ex", that sometimes it can be.

My DPs expectations are reasonable, and he and his ex don't get along as such but there isn't really any drama there, she just mollycoddles her son in my opinion and does not discourage behaviour that I find really annoying/frustrating. I don't think that makes her an idiot, we just have different parenting styles, and there is a nature/nurture argument, too.

The shitty rules step mum's live by I mostly see on here. But it CAN be hard even if both of the parents are fine, for example, to state an extreme, I imagine some step parents are dealing with reasonable parents but violent/delinquent step children!

Our bio-mum did similar. Claimed my DP was an unfit father (he’s not) got 6 years worth of child maintenance, moved halfway across the country then after 3 months turns round and said you can have 50-50. Was never about the kids. He had to move to her new location to get the 50-50 she granted him. As the court agreement she won was for 80-20 she told him she’ll take it back if he doesn’t do what she wants. He works full time and pays for a nanny and pays the maintenance. Bio-mum doesn’t need to work. I didn’t move with him because I couldn’t. Our relationship is very hard work. We have his and my kids together every other weekend at either house so they suffer a lot of travel and are a bit grumpy about that sometimes tho they do love each other and us and enjoy our together weekends. I’ve become a stepmom de facto to my partner’s kids, and his to mine, but we don’t get to live together or pool our resources for a nice house. Bio-mum is in clover. I try not to hate her, and infact admire her cunning. That intelligence could be put to good use in the world of work haha.

If your husband sulks for days, it’s him you’d be better off without.

Just crossed that off the MN Bingo card 🙄

The shed…fancy!! 😆

I had to talk DH out of giving DSS bedroom two in our new house as he only stays 4 nights a month. DH seriously thought it was OK for me and him to share the box room as our home office for 20 days a month!! Meanwhile DSS would luxuriate in a double bedroom for 4 nights a month, err no 👎

DSS isn’t even currently staying FGS but that’s another story 😆

This is an unwritten rule.

You must be able to operate a crystal ball and foresee with precision what step parenting will look like for YOU. Exactly. But you’re not allowed to discuss it and you’re not allowed to admit it’s tough. So those who come after you just have to also intuitively KNOW.

This is totally unique to any other relationship where it’s generally accepted there’s certain nuances and individual aspects that make the outcome unique to the circumstances.