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Original poster

The sh*tty rules stepmoms live by

96 replies

Sadandconfusedinstepland · 18/09/2023 16:59

I can’t say I follow these but they seem to be what’s expected. I think I’ve got them all but do add yours so we can all have a chuckle…

You must love your SCs unconditionally but never discipline them.

You must provide free childcare but never refer to it as such.

You must spend your own funds joining family days out but only do things the SCs want to do. No fun for you!

You must stretch your food budget to accommodate fussy SCs while no meal is ever appreciated anyway.

You must put up with all manner of kids’ challenging behaviour but never seek to address it with your partner, who would take this as a deep criticism of himself as a parent and sulk for days.

You must never complain because step parenting is such a well understood and oft-discussed situation and so fully accepted in society that they teach it in schools. So obviously you ‘knew full well’ what you were getting into!

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aSofaNearYou · 19/09/2023 12:47

Then that’s your problem. Should not be something you go into without much thought.

It's a lot of people's problem, actually. Hence why you were wrong to say you "disagree" that people don't know.

Besides, even if I had given it more thought, the vast majority of the discussion I would have seen about it would have been emphasising what a privilege I was in for, so I still wouldn't have really known. People are rarely open about finding it shit, with good reason.

Frencis · 19/09/2023 13:02

You and your dp are there to have the kids whenever you are told to otherwise you are controlling and dictating. You also have to do all the driving. As a sm you must never express a parenting opinion as this will completely threaten their dm’s relationship with the dc and you are always available for childcare especially when you work from home. Understand that these rules will last for ever otherwise you will be seen as completely unreasonable 🙄 (tongue in cheek ish, but #%*# its been hard work)

funinthesun19 · 19/09/2023 13:04

As a stepmum you should jump to help the mum and if you don’t you clearly hate the kids. 🤦🏼‍♀️ There was a thread a few months back where the mum wanted to go on a last minute trip away, the dad was already going away with work on those dates and the stepmum didn’t want to help. Well as usual it was the usual predictable responses about “poor kids you clearly don’t like them”.
Same when another stepmum was ill in bed and the mum wanted her to pick the kids up for her as she had to go in to work. Again it was all about how she doesn’t like the kids.

I feel for you stepmums dealing with such nonsense like the above. Glad my days are behind me.

Shrinkray · 19/09/2023 13:08

MyBedIsMySpiritualHome · 19/09/2023 10:06

It may be shitty for the step parents.

it is also shitty for the step children.

and only one of those chose the situation and has any control over it.

This.

MartyFunkhouser · 19/09/2023 13:37

It’s the step-children that I have sympathy for. On here it’s so often apparent that they’re viewed as less important. None of them choose to become step-children.

Personally, unless his kids were grown, I’d never get involved with a man with children.

aSofaNearYou · 19/09/2023 13:43

MartyFunkhouser · 19/09/2023 13:37

It’s the step-children that I have sympathy for. On here it’s so often apparent that they’re viewed as less important. None of them choose to become step-children.

Personally, unless his kids were grown, I’d never get involved with a man with children.

Less important than what?

yogasaurus · 19/09/2023 13:44

On here it’s so often apparent that they’re viewed as less important

And conversely, they’re often viewed as more important than anyone else, including new DC.

Daisylookslost · 19/09/2023 13:51

LemonPeonies · 18/09/2023 18:09

I'll add: stepchildren must have their own rooms, doesn't matter if you can't afford another mortgage for their extra bedrooms they must always feel at home. Even if they only stay once or twice a month!
Don't ever not include them in anything. They must come first because of apparent trauma of having 2 homes and families and getting 2 lots of everything, presents, holidays etc.

I know right, the bedroom thing?!? Same here. They know I use it as a laundry room 😳 but doesn’t mind

Trauma of 2 homes and 2 lots of everything? I remind dsd this is a lucky bonus on the regular 😄

To be fair I would have loved the opportunity to swan off to dad’s as a teen when me and mother were not getting on… and double holidays throughout childhood would also have been nice 👍

MagpiePi · 19/09/2023 13:54

If you have a good set up that everyone is happy with (obviously the SC are still being cruelly rejected and emotionally scarred whatever happens) and things happen out of anyone's control - job changes, illness, bereavement etc, then if the SM isn't immediately ecstatic with new arrangements then they still 'shouldn't have got involved with a man with kids'

funinthesun19 · 19/09/2023 14:02

MartyFunkhouser · 19/09/2023 13:37

It’s the step-children that I have sympathy for. On here it’s so often apparent that they’re viewed as less important. None of them choose to become step-children.

Personally, unless his kids were grown, I’d never get involved with a man with children.

When the children have two different maternal families, the children are never going to have the same. It’s not about them being less important, it’s just about the realities that having different family brings.

And what about when the dad’s family members favour his older kids? His younger dc are their grandchildren too but they get treated as less important because the grandparents are stressing too much about making sure the older ones are happy. Nobody ever challenges that, do they?

Rewis · 19/09/2023 14:29

This is what I've learned in MN, not real life.

Blended families have to do absolutely everything together. In 'nuclear' family it is totally OK to be divided according to interests. Mom takes the artsy kid to theatre, dad takes the outdoorsy kid fishing. Even separate holidays are fine. But for some reason in blended families everything has to be done together to prove you're a family.

namechangnancy · 19/09/2023 19:52

Ahhh the I would never be a step parent but here I am on a step parenting board getting triggered by a thread so I have come to offer some unsubtle digs advice crew are here.

I never knew for instance that when I spoke about paying for my DSc expensive hobby out of my own pocket. How many people would bend over backwards discount disvalue what I do for DSc turn the narrative into a bad thing or something that even though I pay for it with my money somehow it was nothing to do with me

Because anything I do couldn't be because I'm a kindly adult in DSc lives.

You as a sm aren't allowed to show any type of emotion (proudly watching nativity show your DSc have invited you too "omg your over stepping/ know your place) to no thank you I don't want to provide childcare because dad or mum or both "omg you hate your children"

And of course- your out to steal your husbands money and swindle the DSc out of their inheritance. With no knowledge that a sm focus maybe grieving the loss of her dh, rather than evily rubbing her hands together with point signs in her eyes.

If your pool money as a family (you can't have may say in the money that's spent) know your place vs don't pool family money (omg are you even a family)

These have all come from come on recent posts on this board before anyone gets their knickers in a twist.

HideousKinky · 19/09/2023 20:59

MissyPea other posters have echoed my point, so I'm clearly not the only one who thinks it is worth saying, especially as the children did not choose the situation nor do they have any control over it (as MyBedIsMySpiritualHome has said).

I had a stepmother from the age of 10 when my father left my mother and his 3 children for his 2nd wife. She died only 2 years ago so I knew her for 50 years and loved her. But there were other feelings too, especially when I was a lost confused teenager. So ForTheBeautyOfTheEarth I appreciate what you say, but would add that 50 years ago nobody was "ready to hear that story" so my grief went unaddressed

HideousKinky · 19/09/2023 21:11

For example - I really wanted to love and be loved by my stepmother, not least because I thought it would please my father. But I also felt guilty about it, as if I was betraying my mother by doing so. The guilt & confusion was difficult to bear and I had no-one to unpack it with

steelingmyself · 19/09/2023 21:41

HideousKinky · 19/09/2023 21:11

For example - I really wanted to love and be loved by my stepmother, not least because I thought it would please my father. But I also felt guilty about it, as if I was betraying my mother by doing so. The guilt & confusion was difficult to bear and I had no-one to unpack it with

This last part rang very loudly for me.

I have a wonderful DSD who I worry is going through this.

My partner did not leave his ex for me, but I believe she always hoped they'd get back together and certainly feels loyalty to her mother, and perhaps worries for her?

What would have helped you in this scenario?

steelingmyself · 19/09/2023 21:44

Sorry to hijack the initial point of the thread!!

We also all live by the mad dad does all the driving thing here to stick to the point...

I'm a stepmum and an ex wife and the dads do all the car stuff unless otherwise arranged?? Is it a guilt thing? 🤣

namechangnancy · 19/09/2023 21:48

@HideousKinky firstly I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry you felt that way.

Lot of people talk on here about loyalty bonds )where children feel conflicted over feeling of their sm and their mum and people
refuse to acknowledge on this board it's incredibly hurtful for the kids but it's important to note a sp can't release them
From their loyalty bonds only a parent can do that.

In most cases however a child would never chose to have two homes - that choice wasn't taken away (usually) by a step parent existing. It was taken away by the parents for whatever reason.

That choice made by the parents doesn't mean that a sm trying to cope with the walking contradiction placed on them my society at large are fair or that they are undeserving to have emotions.

There is space for everyone to have the feeling they do without shaming the other into not having them.

This thread is for step parents to vent and although I recognise it maybe triggering to some, to read. The feelings people are posting about aren't at you or aren't because sp hate step children or haven't considered the children's feelings . It's to a knowledge their feelings as well as step parents are also humans with emotions.

Just because I chose to be a mum, doesn't mean I can't chose to say dammed parenting was hard today because of x or y. It doesnt mean I hate my children and they didn't chose to be born. Imagine if that's all you got told when you were struggling shut the Fuck up you chose this. Mums can vent because they are human. Sp aren't some magical breed that emotions don't apply to.

Neodymium · 19/09/2023 21:50

Another rule I’ve learnt from here:

If dsc turn up at your house at any time, even when your partner is away, you have to drop everything to let them in, feed them, drive them anywhere and drop them home if they wish. Regardless of your plans/work. Cause it’s ‘their home too’. You absolutely can’t tell them that their dad is away and you are busy.

Pumpernickel101 · 19/09/2023 21:52

These 👆🏻 are Why I resigned from that shitty role years ago.

ReeseWitherfork · 19/09/2023 21:57

Really interesting thread… have had a step mum for a little over 20 years (I am early 30s) and I’ve always seen her as a “second mother” and I love her dearly. When she lets her guard down, it really feels like she loves me like a daughter too (and she definitely sees my children as her grandchildren). But too often she has a wall up between us and on the odd occasion it’s really felt like she completely despises me. It’s always confused me. So this has been really eye opening.

HideousKinky · 19/09/2023 22:01

steelingmyself that's a good question and you sound very sensitive & intuitive about your stepdaughter.

As I say, someone to talk to - despite having 2 siblings we didn't discuss what had happened much between ourselves. They took the angry, defiant "We don't need him" approach (which of course I now understand masks terrible hurt) but although I tried to be like them I just couldn't as I missed him very much. I was the anxious, needy one who wanted far more of him than I ever got. So it would have helped I think if I had felt more certain of his love, but the sad truth is that children often feel a parent left because they were just not lovable enough.

My stepmother did not have any children of her own which I think is different from many of you posting here who have your own children as well as your husband's. So we did not have to "blend" with other children which I think I would have found very hard, as if they were getting the Dad I had lost.

My mother & stepmother were very different personalities - my mother quite shy, depressed & withdrawn (for obvious reasons!) and my stepmother much more sociable, extrovert & upbeat. Her company often made me feel happy and that would make me feel guilty too as I'd think of my mother at home on her own.

funinthesun19 · 19/09/2023 22:17

Too many CF parents out there who make it miserable for SMs.

steelingmyself · 20/09/2023 07:50

HideousKinky · 19/09/2023 22:01

steelingmyself that's a good question and you sound very sensitive & intuitive about your stepdaughter.

As I say, someone to talk to - despite having 2 siblings we didn't discuss what had happened much between ourselves. They took the angry, defiant "We don't need him" approach (which of course I now understand masks terrible hurt) but although I tried to be like them I just couldn't as I missed him very much. I was the anxious, needy one who wanted far more of him than I ever got. So it would have helped I think if I had felt more certain of his love, but the sad truth is that children often feel a parent left because they were just not lovable enough.

My stepmother did not have any children of her own which I think is different from many of you posting here who have your own children as well as your husband's. So we did not have to "blend" with other children which I think I would have found very hard, as if they were getting the Dad I had lost.

My mother & stepmother were very different personalities - my mother quite shy, depressed & withdrawn (for obvious reasons!) and my stepmother much more sociable, extrovert & upbeat. Her company often made me feel happy and that would make me feel guilty too as I'd think of my mother at home on her own.

Thank you for sharing this.

PrimarilyParented · 20/09/2023 09:48

None of your rules apply in my relationship. Perhaps that’s why we’re a happy blended family though. My DP is genuinely a brilliant father who goes above and beyond for his kids but is not a Disney parent, disciplines them fairly (and as adults in the house we both discipline all of our children equally) plus he doesn’t treat me like a skivvy or free childcare and I enjoy my time/days out with the step kids. Tbh I think dating someone with kids means you have the perk of seeing what sort of parent they are and if that suits you then great, if it doesn’t then get out while you can.