The sh*tty rules stepmoms live by

[Sadandconfusedinstepland]

I can’t say I follow these but they seem to be what’s expected. I think I’ve got them all but do add yours so we can all have a chuckle…

You must love your SCs unconditionally but never discipline them.

You must provide free childcare but never refer to it as such.

You must spend your own funds joining family days out but only do things the SCs want to do. No fun for you!

You must stretch your food budget to accommodate fussy SCs while no meal is ever appreciated anyway.

You must put up with all manner of kids’ challenging behaviour but never seek to address it with your partner, who would take this as a deep criticism of himself as a parent and sulk for days.

You must never complain because step parenting is such a well understood and oft-discussed situation and so fully accepted in society that they teach it in schools. So obviously you ‘knew full well’ what you were getting into!

Basically be seen and not heard.

No it’s really not all rainbows and sunshine having 2 homes for everyone. I have great step parents who I love very much. But when I was younger it often felt awkward and sometimes I felt like a spare part. This was no fault of my steps or their families its just how I felt. I love my step families VERY much but I always feel less awkward with my own biological family.

As a teenager having to remember to pack what you need because your off to mum or dads and then always leaving things at mum/dads house.
wondering if you talk to much about Mum/dad at their houses
small things that just make you feel unsettled, as an adult would we like to change homes every week or weekend?
even now as an adult the absolute guilt you feel if you opt to spend xmas with dad over mum or vice versa, having siblings on both sides but never really getting to be with all your siblings at once
for me its exhausting having 2 families plus in- laws, although I love them all and am grateful to have so much love! It can be very overwhelming!

Ufff!!! It really surprises me people going into being stepparents without thinking how bad it could be? You are taking on children/ teens who may be traumatised by divorce. Even worst when the reason of the divorce is the stepmom or stepdad. My stepmother was very selfish and financially only her own children mattered. May be this is why I am more aware and will not inflict that pain onto my own children. Unhelpful here but feel I needed to say this as a child with a part time stepmother influencing the financial decisions in my teenage years.

Maybe if people were allowed to talk openly about the shit bits without being called every name under the sun, people would go into it with more awareness. But instead, people are shamed into silence and the result is that people don't realise the many ways it can be really difficult.

I mean I have to ask.

What where you trying to achieve with this post ? I'm serious.

You had a bad experience with a sm and wouldn't ever be one (your choice and it's a fair one)

Do you think that step parents aren't deserving to speak about the things they found hard that were unexpected to them ?

Would you say this to a mum who's struggling with their own child ? Imagine when you were having a hard time with your children and someone came over to you and said. They didn't ask to be born, clearly you have seen other parents and saw how hard it was, you chose this and this is why I'm child free because I knew it would be shit ?
That would stun most people in to silence, just because you had a evil sm doesn't mean we all or or the majority are and somehow being a sp means your not allowed a place to vent ffs

Because that's what your saying right here. And if you are someone who would say that to a mum. Then not only are you obvious to social norms but also a rather unkind.

Even worst when the reason of the divorce is the stepmom or stepdad

The reason of the divorce in this case is your parent who went off with the stepmum or stepdad, but this is the classic transferred anger that all lands on the SP as it’s easier to blame them in the children’s eyes, and where half the issues start and end, as it’s also easier for the parents to let it seem like this

Agree with pp, while it's shitty for the step mums, it's even shittier for the children.
Your family unit has been broken apart. You live in a family unit(at least part of the time) with a mother figure who doesn't love(or it seems often even like) you, who views spending time with you as childcare, and resents even cooking food for you. Who takes your half siblings out for treats and views the idea of you coming too as a burden.
It must be v difficult for a child to understand that their dad loves them, their dad and step mum love each other, their step mum loves their siblings, but she doesnt love, or wish to spend unnecessary time with them.
As an adult, you can never feel truly at home when you visit and are always a "guest" as far as your step mother is concerned, where as your half siblings are treated in a totally different way.
While I have known a few exceptions, I have seen so many family set ups where I feel deeply sorry for the children involved. Unlike the step mother, who should have seriously considered the implications of making a new family unit, the children have no control or choice.

Your point being what here? The thread is about Stepmothers, there are enough SC victimising posts out there, go find one.

This is about step mums…. Not the kids.

Case in point, no mention of your father, who put you in this position.

Exactly
I didn’t date a man with dcs because I didn’t want to be a step mum to young children

Brillant we are all massively glad for you all that you didn't want to be a step mum

But your on the step parenting board, with step mums venting about the things that make step parenting hard and completely proving the points previously raised.

Jesus wept 🤯

I just think some posters are being a bit combative because it’s hard to read as a stepchild. Especially those of us with tricky relationships with our stepmothers. I think they need to step back and note that OP (and a lot of the replies) are generally criticising the father and/or mother, and not the children themselves. (Outside of being ungrateful for a meal, which isn’t ‘step’ children specific.) As I noted in my previous post, reading this has opened my eyes to why my step mother sometimes seems to hate me. Sucked to grow up in a home like that. But it is what it is, I hear what you’re all saying. I’m just listening, not arguing.

I never wanted to be a step mum, couldnt imagine anything worse, then fell in love with my amazing, kind DP. The worse part of step children isnt the children, its the parents.

And you judgey women on here are a huge part of the issue. Calling your ex's "someone elses leftovers" shame on you. I do hope you've decided never to settle down again, why would another man want your ex's dirty seconds?

These are all good points but you also get the fun of kids but optional bedtimes, trips, getting up early with them, dealing with bad behaviour etc. You get duck out of the bad bits 😂. Tbh Id rather be a stepmum that stepdad I literally wouldn't let me hubbie tell off my kids one bit but he lets me tell his son off and never complains.

None of it's very fun, tbh, unless they happen to be fun kids. And the bad bits are not optional to a lot of step mum's with shit partners who push it all onto them.

Also, I don't understand how you can see your own hypocrisy, then continue with it.

Alot of the problems on this board come down to a poster being upset that their DH isn't the same sort of parent to his youngest children because the step kids and their wants/needs/routines are always paramount.
You'd look at that and think "great, a man who knows how to prioritise his kids" and only find out when it's too late that it doesn't extend to all of them, and there's always some twat on the thread gleefully telling the poster that their young children deserve no better.

Im getting angry just thinking about it. Some women truly are vile.

I get that and I can only speak for myself and probably a few posters who have been on here a long time like me.

But out of 99.999999 % of cases I have seen on here, it's never a dislike of the children or anything they have done. It's always issues caused adults and the fairly unrealistic and sometimes double standard pressure created by the adults causing a sp to hate the situation not the kids.

Example my dsd is struggling with her sexuality (as all teen do) - she's also ND. Her mother refuses to acknowledged this as her wider family don't believe in ND. Several doctors have confirmed it and recommended getting her help. Mum says she can access help but she's not allowed to let anyone find out and mocks the sensory chances we have put in our house to help dsd. On good days she's grateful for the changes/accommodations on bad/normal teenage days she's unhappy and wants to pretend these things don't effect her because her mum has drilled it into her that she "just needs to be normal" 🙄

I am not the parent and I have no say in what goes down. But mum and dad have fought like cat and dog over this (my dh fighting so she can get extra help at school and mum screaming what if people find out)

It's a horrible situation. One I have to navigate very clear fully with dsd who wants to please both parties. I have become her safe place to talk to stuff and she feels conflicted about it and some days so do I tbh.

Adults put adult concerns fears on to children from "broken" homes and somehow think the sp can fix all the issues while being told to know their place.

It's dammed hard. I had no idea what trauma family stuff his ex would bring to the mix, until I had to watch my DSc suffer at the hands of it.

It's like watching a car crash at the end and knowing even though you weren't involved in it. You will be blamed for it and that I never expected.

Woman's privilege ☺️ We also reserve the right to complain about anything a hubby organises.

I wasn't actually in this position. My husband was however, and i have seen other examples within my close family. My husband is adamant he would never put our children through this situation if we were ever to split.
However, I am v torn as it seems very harsh for people not to have another chance at a relationship once their first marriage has broken down. I just think in the majority of cases it doesn't appear to be in the best interests of the children to 'blend families'.

Curious, how is a step parent responsible for the divorce of a couple? Did they force them to separate? Or did the biological parents perhaps take actions and make choices themselves that led to the breakdown of their marriage and finally divorcing each other?
Its easy to project and misplace blame, it happens to step parents a lot.

@MissyPea

They may be referring to situations where affairs where involved and the OW/OM ends up becoming the children's step parent.

Do not assume there will be no issues with a partners adult children!