Meeting the mum and knowing what we do

[UniSim]

Need some friendly MN advice

Recently met DH’s kids after a long wait to ensure it was right (14 months), EXW has known about us for a year, the idea to meet children has been discussed since February and she was informed of actual plan to meet in advance (1 week).

She was unhappy about how much time she was given and is asking to be told of all meetings or plans in advance

We are only at the start and I understand she is probably worried. I haven’t met her yet but plan to. We want to keep everyone happy, especially the boys, and not have conflict or cause issues in what has been a relatively civil arrangement up to now

Any advice for keeping the peace whilst ensuring we are not beholden to his EXW?

One of the parents HAS met them. It's a consequence of separating that the other parent can approve things like this without your agreement.

I'm finding this conversation so strange. I met dscs mum after I'd mer dsc a few times but before I was spending a lot of time with them when she came to pick them up one day and I was there. We said a polite hello and that was that. We are now friendly and have been to a few of the same events.

If she has demanded a formal meeting with me prior to meeting the children I would have refused and we would probably not have the relationship we do now which would have been worse for the children.

Sorry but she has absolutely no right to police her ex husband’s life.

sure give her the heads up, and that’s a massive concession but that’s it!

As a long term stepmum with a good and fairly distant relationship with ExW I'd say always have her back as far as I'd reasonable- if she hasn't got a new DP then she'll be finding it hard/annoying/unfair that he has and she hasn't - plus cos it means he's got the benefit of two minds on the parenting decisions where she'll be deciding everything alone. Similarly financially if she'll be going it alone- don't underestimate how expensive everything is on one income.
Be prepared and accepting of her asking your DP for help with things if she hasn't got anyone else around. DIY, car purchases etc for example.
Be equally forgiving with her DC- don't try and discipline or create rules but be a wise big sister/Aunty type. That's come in handy when he's been on the verge of very big life cock ups and both parents have understandably gone mental- just keep lines of communication open and give sensible calm advice without judging or blaming.
If she cocks up still forgive and see her perspective - everything is harder on your own.
All this basically just helps keep relations calm civil supportive and ultimately away from you. Do NOT get into any emotional arguments or judge her- it's none of your business how she lives and you don't want to give her any reason to have beef with you. There's so much scope for hostility, aggravation and hassle in this situation - just do everything you can to be kind, benign and out of her life, so she'll hopefully do the same with you.

So say you've had a fairly brief relationship with someone and are now co-parenting. Before that child spends time alone with an aunt, a grandmother, a grandfather, you expect to meet them all?

I can't speak for anybody in that situation as I wouldn't have had a child with someone whom I'd had a brief relationship with, but yes I think I would still think it was best for all people caring for the child to know both parents, so that they can ensure information/ concerns/ approaches/ boundaries are shared and consistent and the child feels well-grounded and not like they have totally separate lives with two different families but one cohesive one and two homes within that, and that both parents feel comfortable about their child's safety and who they are spending time with if any of that time is going to be unsupervised by the other parent.

One of the parents HAS met them. It's a consequence of separating that the other parent can approve things like this without your agreement.

It's not about "approving" it. It's about making everyone including the child feel comfortable, fostering a healthy and open dynamic and good communication between all people involved in the child's care and making them feel secure because they can see the adults in their life co-operate together in a healthy way. If some of the key adults in their lives don't even know each other I don't see how this can be a good thing for the child.

Sorry but she has absolutely no right to police her ex husband’s life.

I think that ^^ is exactly the type of unhealthy dynamic I'm talking about, where somebody would consider wanting to meet someone who will be caring for your child as trying to police the other parent's life! I find that attitude so bizarrely defensive and strange.

Thanks for your replies

I am all for doing whatever makes things work, I just don’t want to give my life over to someone else in the process

@Festivfrenzy kindness is always the way and your message is very caring. The EXW has a new husband (her affair partner) and they have 2 other children together. She is well supported financially and in parenting by him. I am DP’s first partner, he has been single since they split.

It is if you insist it must happen on your terms, and before they are "allowed" to meet the child.

It just seems logical to me that the adults would meet and try to establish communicating between them before a new person meets the children. It isn't about "allowed" or "policing", just people working together to try to ensure things work for the child which they cannot do if they have never even met each other. Idk, like I said my children will never have a step parent and I am not going to be one, but I have experience it from the child's perspective so that's where I'm coming from. Seems little reason to view it as some kind of encroaching of boundaries just to want to meet someone who will be involved in your child's life, and I know things work much better for children if all adults in their lives get on well and communicate well.

OP you sound very nice and reasonable and I hope it all works out for you. It's a tough situation for all involved so I think throwing out a bit of kindness and cutting some slack is a good idea and then hopefully this will be reciprocated.

🌺

In our case, I think by tiptoeing around her for so long, ex possibly got into her head that she had more power over DH and our relationship than she actually did.
So when reality slapped her in the face it didnt go down too well. For her, meeting me was never about "logically doing the best by DSD" to paraphrase PPs. She might as well have lifted her leg, she was territory marking and that was it.
After the meeting we went right back to having nothing to do with each other as I wasn't actually auditioning to become a co-parent of any kind.

However to me it isn't logical.

As I have grown up with parent and step-parent first meeting with the children around.

She also asked me over coffee if I would mind not being overly affectionate with my now DH, and also to get up earlier in the morning so SD didn't see us in bed in the morning

I don't think she had any right to ask that. You didn't comply did you?

Well I have experience as a step child and step mother and I think it is illogical to think that starting the relationship off with the mum demanding to meet the step mum as a condition of meeting the child is doing anything but starting off on a bad foot. Even if it isn't intended in that way it comes across as marking territory.

Surely the logical thing to do is to do something go and pick the child up when you know the step mum is there which is less forced and chance to say hello.

Good lord, please tell me you didn't agree to any of this?

You’re in for a very long, rough ride op. I would not give her too
much air time. She will always have an ‘issue’ with something or other. Dh’s ex gave me a lecture early on about the kids. She got a shock when I just told her where to go. Has she got a new partner? Usually that makes things a bit easier

Bloody hell the ex is making a meal of this....

Meet, that's great a nice idea, but be prepared for games from her. Be nice, be honest, be yourself. If something isn't going to work for you don't agree - smile and nod.

@MeetMyCat
@pinkyredrose
Yes I did, I really didn't see it as controlling she just wanted her daughter to feel comfortable with me. For the first year of my relationship/now marriage I also made my partner get up before my son and make out he'd slept on the sofa.
Maybe others don't worry about stuff like that but each to there own I'm not saying my way is the right way just that we all get on very well as a blended family.

I think it's healthy for kids to see their parents (whether that be biological or step) be affectionate towards each other. I remember when I was younger going "ewwww" when my mum and dad kissed but actually it gave me some security that they were happy together and there was a solid foundation for our family.

DH and I are affectionate infront of the kids. It's particularly important for us as DH suffered domestic violence from his ex and actually left when she assaulted him infront of DSD. She was 2 so she won't remember it but even if she can't I think witnessing something like that always leaves a mark in some way.

DSS is 16 and was brought up for most of his childhood in a household where there was a lot of arguments and tension. He has a girlfriend now so I think it's good that he's had a few years experiencing a loving and healthy relationship between his dad and I. He now has something to model his future relationships on.

I think this sounds like a reasonable way to handle it I wouldn't worry any more let him handle it

@Laurdo
It's definitely a good thing to be affectionate and show children what a loving relationship looks like and me & DH are a very affectionate couple. It was only at the beginning of our relationship that we did this... SD mum explained to me how SD was still finding it difficult that her dad had moved out and could we just let her get used to me as a friend. Vice versa I wanted to be as sure as you can be that it was going to last before I introduced my son to DH.
Like I said some people think this is odd but each to their own. It seems to have worked well for me but I'm very lucky that I get on really well with DH ex wife.
That compromise at the beginning of my relationship with DH seems to have paid off and there is now a mutual respect between us.

That's great that you have a good relationship with the ex. It's definitely half the battle and I'm always envious of SMs who do.

We refrained from being affectionate when I first met the kids to give them some time to get used to me just being around. I'd never sleep over while they were there for a while then I'd have a sleepover now and again and eventually we bought a house and moved in together.

If DH ex was reasonable and respectful towards us I would probably have been more sympathetic to her feelings about certain things. But she just ploughs on doing whatever she wants with little regard to how it affects other people including the kids so it's very difficult to have any sort of sympathy towards her.

I think it is a positive if everyone can meet.

My partner has met my child’s dad, they see each other at pick up often. My partner has met his children’s step dad. I have met my child’s step mum.

My step children’s mother has refused to meet me and, as time has gone on, I have been able to establish that meeting her would be of no benefit whatsoever to anyone. I would outright refuse a meet up at this point in time.