Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Meeting the mum and knowing what we do

101 replies

UniSim · 04/09/2023 10:55

Need some friendly MN advice

Recently met DH’s kids after a long wait to ensure it was right (14 months), EXW has known about us for a year, the idea to meet children has been discussed since February and she was informed of actual plan to meet in advance (1 week).

She was unhappy about how much time she was given and is asking to be told of all meetings or plans in advance

We are only at the start and I understand she is probably worried. I haven’t met her yet but plan to. We want to keep everyone happy, especially the boys, and not have conflict or cause issues in what has been a relatively civil arrangement up to now

Any advice for keeping the peace whilst ensuring we are not beholden to his EXW?

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 04/09/2023 11:13

My advice would be to nip this in the bud.

It is polite to give a heads-up that you will be meeting the children so she doesn't get a shock finding out from them. She should absolutely not be allowed to control the schedule or expect you to give her an advanced timetable. Set the boundary now and save yourself pain later.

harriethoyle · 04/09/2023 11:15

@NewNameNigel has nailed it, absolutely. You've done everything right so far. Your DP does not need her permission or acceptance etc for any meetings, nor does she need advance notice. DP needs to make it plain that won't be happening and it's non-negotiable.

Whattodo112222 · 04/09/2023 11:18

If you're happy to meet her I would probably reassure her somewhat that you're not trying to take her place as the kids mum. A lot of mums do feel threatened by step mums because they essentially do a lot of parenting.
I would however, get your partner to make it abundantly clear that he won't be seeking permission/acceptance from her for various things.

SleeplessinSeattle53 · 04/09/2023 11:22

Agree with all of the above. Start as you mean to go on and don't let her dictate how you conduct your life. She sounds like a bit of a control freak.

CurlewKate · 04/09/2023 11:23

Are you going to be there whenever he sees his children?

pinkyredrose · 04/09/2023 11:25

You're married and you're only just meeting his kids?🤔

sunshinesummers · 04/09/2023 11:25

I also agree with all of the above, @NewNameNigel was spot on. You've been very thoughtful of her so far, but don't let that turn into her being able to control you, make sure to set firm boundaries and stick to them.

AnIndianWoman · 04/09/2023 11:27

How often does your DH have the kids? Is it 50/50 or does he only have them on weekends? Obviously the more time he has the kids the less his ex needs to be the one to prepare the children for what is going to be a huge deal for them. But if he only has them weekends or every other weekend then his ex is the one who needs to prepare them and giving 1 week notice is terrible from that perspective.

I know there are plenty on MN who will support you but as a stepmum myself I think that is poor. To give you my example, I was introduced to my stepdaughter after 16 months (a full 3 years after his ex ended their marriage). At that time he had her 50-50 but it was mostly during holidays and around his ex’s shifts which meant his time with her was concentrated during certain periods of the year. We gave his ex a full 6 mths notice and she was the one who helped prepare DSD for the fact that Daddy had a girlfriend. Then we met, and it was only after she grew used to me (it took nearly a year) that we broached marriage.

BoohooWoohoo · 04/09/2023 11:42

As a pp said your partner needs to nip this in the bud now. If you dance to xw's tune then establish boundaries later then she could blame you as she will assume that your partner was happy to do as she said.
It was good manners to warn before introducing but no need for her to be warned about future meetings.

Original poster
UniSim · 04/09/2023 11:51

@pinkyredrose - sorry should have put DP! We are not married

We live separately and a fair drive apart so unless we moved in, parenting from me would be minimal/non existent.

Time is split 50/50 and the kids were told about me weeks before the meeting (and EXW also informed of this) and were asked if they wanted to meet rather than introduced as a ‘friend’

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 04/09/2023 11:51

If you're happy to meet her I would probably reassure her somewhat that you're not trying to take her place as the kids mum. A lot of mums do feel threatened by step mums because they essentially do a lot of parenting.

I would actually advise against this. I don't think pointing out other's insecurities to them tends to go well unless they bring it up themselves. I would instead show this with your actions by not taking on the grunt work and expecting your partner to parent his own child.

SD1978 · 04/09/2023 11:51

Sorry- you've only just met your husbands kids? After you got married?

Original poster
UniSim · 04/09/2023 11:53

@CurlewKate it will be days out or activities for a good while I think

@AnIndianWoman does the above message change your view?

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 04/09/2023 11:55

We gave his ex a full 6 mths notice and she was the one who helped prepare DSD for the fact that Daddy had a girlfriend.

Do you not think that making into such a huge deal that needs 6 months of prep made it worse? I remember being a small child and adults making a massive deal about something always made it seem scary.

Legocrayola · 04/09/2023 11:56

You need to meet her. Until she meets you, you are just some random woman spending time with her kids.

In her shoes, I'd want to meet you before you meet my kids TBH. Don't care what the MN hive mind thinks.

PizzaPastaWine · 04/09/2023 12:01

She's trying to control things here and you've gone about things the right way.

Tbh, there's no need to meet her. Your DP has done his vetting of you and deemed you appropriate. I'd just introduce myself during a pick up/drop off, make simple chit chat amd leave it at that.

SheilaFentiman · 04/09/2023 12:03

I would say not to worry too much at this stage. Yes, you have been talking about it, but now there is a date , it is real, when maybe it hasn’t felt like that before.

Do the meeting, see how the kids are and adjust from there. How old are they?

Laurdo · 04/09/2023 12:05

NewNameNigel · 04/09/2023 11:13

My advice would be to nip this in the bud.

It is polite to give a heads-up that you will be meeting the children so she doesn't get a shock finding out from them. She should absolutely not be allowed to control the schedule or expect you to give her an advanced timetable. Set the boundary now and save yourself pain later.

100% this. You told her as a courtesy and she still wasn't happy. She has no right to be told of things happening on your DPs time. Your DP is entitled to parent how he sees fit and introduce the kids to whoever he wants without her permission or approval.

Are you sure meeting her is a good idea? You absolutely don't have to do this especially since she's already expressed she's unhappy with the situation. Meeting her plays into her idea that she still has control over what your DP does and who spends time with her children. Perhaps a wave from the car at the next drop off pick up or a quick hello, but a formal meeting is rarely a good idea.

NorthernSpirit · 04/09/2023 12:11

I think you have been very respectful, but…. ate making a big deal out of this when it doesn’t need to be.

14 months before meeting the kids is a long time (I reckon 6 months is the norm).

The EW comes across as very controlling. She may be ‘unhappy’ about the amount of notice she was given, but it’s tough luck & she needs to get over it. Your OH doesn’t need to ask / seek her approval, he’s an equal parent. She she ‘ask’ get your OH’s approval everyone she introduces someone new to the children? I doubt it.

As for asking to be ’told of all meetings or plans in advance’ - this is very controlling and your OH needs to dry boundaries now, otherwise this situation will become untenable (and I say this with a OH with a very controlling EW who made life very difficult unless she was in control & charge).

I wouldn’t meet her - what’s the point? To ask for her approval? This is a power play on her part.

My advice would be to set boundaries (your OH is an equal parent) and do not dance to her tune. Trust me if you do (and I have been there) the situation will only get worse.

Laurdo · 04/09/2023 12:14

Legocrayola · 04/09/2023 11:56

You need to meet her. Until she meets you, you are just some random woman spending time with her kids.

In her shoes, I'd want to meet you before you meet my kids TBH. Don't care what the MN hive mind thinks.

Well she's hardly made herself seem approachable by her reaction to OP meeting the kids. Especially since it seems OP and her DH did everything right and haven't rushed anything. She's obviously just not happy that her ex has moved on and is finding and excuse to kick off and exert her control. A quick hello is adequate. There's no need for a formal meeting. It's not a job interview and the ex is not her boss.

Laurdo · 04/09/2023 12:28

NorthernSpirit · 04/09/2023 12:11

I think you have been very respectful, but…. ate making a big deal out of this when it doesn’t need to be.

14 months before meeting the kids is a long time (I reckon 6 months is the norm).

The EW comes across as very controlling. She may be ‘unhappy’ about the amount of notice she was given, but it’s tough luck & she needs to get over it. Your OH doesn’t need to ask / seek her approval, he’s an equal parent. She she ‘ask’ get your OH’s approval everyone she introduces someone new to the children? I doubt it.

As for asking to be ’told of all meetings or plans in advance’ - this is very controlling and your OH needs to dry boundaries now, otherwise this situation will become untenable (and I say this with a OH with a very controlling EW who made life very difficult unless she was in control & charge).

I wouldn’t meet her - what’s the point? To ask for her approval? This is a power play on her part.

My advice would be to set boundaries (your OH is an equal parent) and do not dance to her tune. Trust me if you do (and I have been there) the situation will only get worse.

Spot on.

I knew my DHs ex before we got together. Friend of a friend of a friend sort of thing. Had met her twice for maybe 5 mins at a time. Before I met the kids I naively offered to meet her as I thought this was the right thing to do. It blew up in my face and I got abusive messages from her about how I wasn't to meet her kids and a whole character assassination of my DH. She's been blocked ever since and my DH deals with her.

The first time we met face to face when I was present for a pickup because DH had to fly to another country last minute because his brother had died. She was screaming and shouting at me at my front door. At this point we'd been together 1.5 years, living together about 6 months and engaged. It was like a whole 1.5 years worth of her pent up opinions and feelings on the situation were unleashed at the one time. DH had informed her of the situation with his brother and that he needed to go and sort things. She still wanted the kids to come to ours as normal and have me look after them. So she was happy enough for me to look after the kids myself but felt it appropriate to scream and shout at me at my front door.

You'll never win with a bitter ex so don't ruin your mental health trying.

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2023 12:51

Legocrayola · 04/09/2023 11:56

You need to meet her. Until she meets you, you are just some random woman spending time with her kids.

In her shoes, I'd want to meet you before you meet my kids TBH. Don't care what the MN hive mind thinks.

You can not care what the MN hive mind thinks all you like but you are fundamentally misunderstanding what the word "need" means and substituting it for "should in my opinion".

She obviously does not NEED to.

jallopeno · 04/09/2023 12:56

OP is and always will be a "random woman" and that's fine

jallopeno · 04/09/2023 12:56

Exactly

MeridianB · 04/09/2023 12:59

NewNameNigel · 04/09/2023 11:13

My advice would be to nip this in the bud.

It is polite to give a heads-up that you will be meeting the children so she doesn't get a shock finding out from them. She should absolutely not be allowed to control the schedule or expect you to give her an advanced timetable. Set the boundary now and save yourself pain later.

Having RTFT, I agree with @NewNameNigel

It sounds like you and DP have been super sensitive in your whole approach to this. It was a good thing to do for the first meeting but she really doesn't need to know your plans from now.

Obviously the children will tell her, and ideally your DP won't pass on any negative comments from her - you don't need to know.

Are you the first partner DP has had since the split? Are the children very young?

Do you and DP think it might help to meet her? If so, I'd set this up somewhere neutral (local coffee shop) perhaps for handover or drop off. Although, I can't promise it will be a miracle cure - it didn't stop DH's ex being unnecessarily rude, petty and unreasonable and regularly weaponising the children. Confused

Swipe left for the next trending thread