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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Meeting the mum and knowing what we do

101 replies

UniSim · 04/09/2023 10:55

Need some friendly MN advice

Recently met DH’s kids after a long wait to ensure it was right (14 months), EXW has known about us for a year, the idea to meet children has been discussed since February and she was informed of actual plan to meet in advance (1 week).

She was unhappy about how much time she was given and is asking to be told of all meetings or plans in advance

We are only at the start and I understand she is probably worried. I haven’t met her yet but plan to. We want to keep everyone happy, especially the boys, and not have conflict or cause issues in what has been a relatively civil arrangement up to now

Any advice for keeping the peace whilst ensuring we are not beholden to his EXW?

OP posts:
MsMarch · 04/09/2023 13:05

NewNameNigel · 04/09/2023 11:13

My advice would be to nip this in the bud.

It is polite to give a heads-up that you will be meeting the children so she doesn't get a shock finding out from them. She should absolutely not be allowed to control the schedule or expect you to give her an advanced timetable. Set the boundary now and save yourself pain later.

Yes, this. I have a lot of sympathy for women whose ex's go on to meet new women and the way that must feel in terms of some other women potentially muscling in on your territory. But, nonetheless, unless there is a specific reason why your ex's new partner shouldn't be engaging with the DC, it's one of those things you have to suck up. Especially if you want to ensure your ex doesn't feel like HE has the right to step in and monitor what you do and who you see when you are with the DC.

if your DP has 50/50 with the DC, I'd have thought that up until now they had a broadly positive co-parenting relationship? Or are there other issues at play.

my82my · 04/09/2023 13:12

Legocrayola · 04/09/2023 11:56

You need to meet her. Until she meets you, you are just some random woman spending time with her kids.

In her shoes, I'd want to meet you before you meet my kids TBH. Don't care what the MN hive mind thinks.

I agree. Before I met my SD for the first time I phoned his ex wife and we met for a coffee, this was 9 years ago and we've got on great ever since.
It was the same when DH ex wife met her boyfriend. He phoned my husband and introduced himself first.
You only have to watch the news to understand why its best that you know the step parent.
There's no way on earth anyone would be spending regular time with my child without knowing them.

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2023 13:25

You only have to watch the news to understand why its best that you know the step parent.

Not to state the obvious, but the other parent DOES know them. And none of that is for the step parents benefit. They don't "need" to do anything. Once separated, this is not something either parent has any control over, and I find it so interesting that so many then default to using language like "you need to do x" because it makes them feel uncomfortable that they aren't in control of what somebody else does. But saying it will not make it so, and in fact it isn't likely to get you what you want. Telling someone that they "need" to do something you want, for your own benefit, is not going to make them more sympathetic towards your desires and inclined to do what you want them to.

Goldflap · 04/09/2023 13:28

@my82my
Seems nice in principle but I think it totally depends on the relationship between the parents.
If my husbands ex did that every time she got a new 'partner' as she calls them he would have had a lot of awkward phone calls.

I agree you have been respectful OP but that's as far as it needs to go now.
I have met my SC mum once officially with my husband and said hi a few times but she doesn't have the right to approve me or dictate our choices or lives.

jallopeno · 04/09/2023 13:30

You don't get a say. The parent you trusted enough to have a kid with does.

jallopeno · 04/09/2023 13:31

The stepparent does not owe the ex anything. They are nothing to each other. They don't need their blessing, approval or anything else.

BingoandBlueyForever · 04/09/2023 13:33

Your DH can handle this. He could tell her that he’ll keep informing her in advance of any big changes to the kids’ lives with him (like if were to move in together, or if you were planning on all going on holiday together) but that it isn’t necessary to run it by her everytime the kids will be seeing you on his contact time and so he isn’t going to do that. She can just assume that once this first meeting has happened, sometimes the kids will see you if you happen to be at that dad’s place on their contact weekend.

MeridianB · 04/09/2023 13:35

I agree you don't 'need' to meet her. You DP will have a good sense of this is is worthwhile and then it's up whether you want to.

I wonder if the ex would be keen to provide advance notice of all her plans with your DP if/when she gets a new chap.

PizzaPastaWine · 04/09/2023 13:36

The OPs DP has the SDC 50/50. This makes me think that he's an active parent and a suitable person to decide who his DC spend time with in HIS time with them.

For those who 'need' a meeting/phonecall can I ask what you would discuss? Earnings? Previous relationships? Possible scenarios? What further information could you provide about the DC that their other parent couldn't? And if you don't like them, what exactly are you going to do?!

NewNameNigel · 04/09/2023 13:37

You need to meet her. Until she meets you, you are just some random woman spending time with her kids.

In her shoes, I'd want to meet you before you meet my kids TBH. Don't care what the MN hive mind thinks.

@Legocrayola you might want to meet your kids new step mum but that doesn't mean the step mum needs to do it. Do you generally think that other adults need to behave in a way that suits you or is that just an attitude you apply to step mothers.

MeetMyCat · 04/09/2023 13:56

NewNameNigel · 04/09/2023 11:55

We gave his ex a full 6 mths notice and she was the one who helped prepare DSD for the fact that Daddy had a girlfriend.

Do you not think that making into such a huge deal that needs 6 months of prep made it worse? I remember being a small child and adults making a massive deal about something always made it seem scary.

Very good point

MeetMyCat · 04/09/2023 13:57

PS - I have been with DH since 2006 and have never met his ex wife. DSS will be getting married soon, so I expect I will meet her then. But I didn’t think either of us is particularly bothered.

BungleandGeorge · 04/09/2023 14:01

I think it’s odd and unreasonable not to meet her if you’re going to be involved in the children’s life. Unless there’s some sort of history of abuse there this is what reasonable adults do. It doesn’t need to be a long meeting nor do you need to give her your phone number (unless you’ll be in sole charge of the children). The way I read it, you’re not a stepmother? You are the non live in partner? Perhaps rather than a schedule she want to know how involved you’re going to be? Presumably they will still see dad on his own and you won’t be there whenever they stay? How much notice is reasonable really depends on the children’s’ ages and personalities/ needs. Some children really do better to know exactly what to expect and would need to know when you’ll be there. Depending on age dad could possibly communicate directly to them? Potentially they’ll worry about how much less time they’ll have with their dad. Ultimately all of this is for the benefit of the children

Laurdo · 04/09/2023 14:07

my82my · 04/09/2023 13:12

I agree. Before I met my SD for the first time I phoned his ex wife and we met for a coffee, this was 9 years ago and we've got on great ever since.
It was the same when DH ex wife met her boyfriend. He phoned my husband and introduced himself first.
You only have to watch the news to understand why its best that you know the step parent.
There's no way on earth anyone would be spending regular time with my child without knowing them.

Show quote history

This is fine if all parties involved are civil and capable of behaving like adults. In an ideal world, all co-parents and step-parents would get on but sadly that just isn't the case for many families.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 04/09/2023 14:09

Honestly I don't think there is any need to meet her at this stage, as you don't live together and will only be seeing the kids on days out.

Your DP needs to be firm with her that he isn't going to be running his schedule by her and what he does with the kids on his time is up to him to decide and organise. You really shouldn't need to have any kind of contact with her at all at the moment.

Laurdo · 04/09/2023 14:13

BungleandGeorge · 04/09/2023 14:01

I think it’s odd and unreasonable not to meet her if you’re going to be involved in the children’s life. Unless there’s some sort of history of abuse there this is what reasonable adults do. It doesn’t need to be a long meeting nor do you need to give her your phone number (unless you’ll be in sole charge of the children). The way I read it, you’re not a stepmother? You are the non live in partner? Perhaps rather than a schedule she want to know how involved you’re going to be? Presumably they will still see dad on his own and you won’t be there whenever they stay? How much notice is reasonable really depends on the children’s’ ages and personalities/ needs. Some children really do better to know exactly what to expect and would need to know when you’ll be there. Depending on age dad could possibly communicate directly to them? Potentially they’ll worry about how much less time they’ll have with their dad. Ultimately all of this is for the benefit of the children

Literally none of this is her business. She should trust the person she chose to have a child with to make the right choices for his children. Unless the kids are in danger, how he chooses to parent is nothing to do with her.

NewNameNigel · 04/09/2023 14:25

BungleandGeorge · 04/09/2023 14:01

I think it’s odd and unreasonable not to meet her if you’re going to be involved in the children’s life. Unless there’s some sort of history of abuse there this is what reasonable adults do. It doesn’t need to be a long meeting nor do you need to give her your phone number (unless you’ll be in sole charge of the children). The way I read it, you’re not a stepmother? You are the non live in partner? Perhaps rather than a schedule she want to know how involved you’re going to be? Presumably they will still see dad on his own and you won’t be there whenever they stay? How much notice is reasonable really depends on the children’s’ ages and personalities/ needs. Some children really do better to know exactly what to expect and would need to know when you’ll be there. Depending on age dad could possibly communicate directly to them? Potentially they’ll worry about how much less time they’ll have with their dad. Ultimately all of this is for the benefit of the children

  • *Unfortunately a consequence of splitting up with your child's father is that you don't get to micromanage your childs relationship with new partners.

I would never have attended a meeting with DSDs mum before meeting the kids so I could be assessed by her.

lunar1 · 04/09/2023 14:39

I think there are so many factors that play into this. Firstly, your personality, do you find it easy to meet new people and keep things relaxed? This would be easy for me, but my best friend (who is the nicest person) would make an awful impression. She's awkward and would calm up if she doesn't know someone.

I'd question (to yourself) the mums motives. Is she just interfering, or has your partner introduced multiple girlfriends to his children? Remember you know one side of their history.

jallopeno · 04/09/2023 15:05

I agree. Why does she get to assess your suitability. That's rubbish- she doesn't

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2023 15:06

I think it’s odd and unreasonable not to meet her if you’re going to be involved in the children’s life.

I would be more inclined to consider it if she didn't use language like "need" and "must". If she did, I would think she had a bad/demanding attitude and would definitely not do it. Manners matter, which too many seem to forget as they feel entitled to demand this rather than ask nicely, in the full knowledge that the other party is under no obligation to oblige.

my82my · 04/09/2023 15:48

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2023 13:25

You only have to watch the news to understand why its best that you know the step parent.

Not to state the obvious, but the other parent DOES know them. And none of that is for the step parents benefit. They don't "need" to do anything. Once separated, this is not something either parent has any control over, and I find it so interesting that so many then default to using language like "you need to do x" because it makes them feel uncomfortable that they aren't in control of what somebody else does. But saying it will not make it so, and in fact it isn't likely to get you what you want. Telling someone that they "need" to do something you want, for your own benefit, is not going to make them more sympathetic towards your desires and inclined to do what you want them to.

Like I said, I met my SD Mum before meeting my SD. I initiated that meeting not for my benefit but for hers. I have my own child and would feel really uncomfortable with a stranger being part of his life.
Perhaps I've just got lucky that we all seem to get on but I do think it's better for the child to see that there mum or dad is comfortable around the new partner.

Backagain23 · 04/09/2023 15:53

We did everything right (long wait, respectful of mum's feelings, met her at same time as DSD etc)
Still went to shit.
It wasn't about me, it was the idea of me.
At least we got two child free years like a normal couple thanks to her though 😁

MeridianB · 04/09/2023 15:57

It wasn't about me, it was the idea of me.

This is so true for some exes.

It's great that meetings can foster good relationships in some cases, but for the exes that are always going to find a reason to be negative, all the meetings in the world won't change that.

jallopeno · 04/09/2023 16:00

Not sure why that'd a good thing

TooManyClouds · 04/09/2023 16:03

I agree. Before I met my SD for the first time I phoned his ex wife and we met for a coffee, this was 9 years ago and we've got on great ever since.
It was the same when DH ex wife met her boyfriend. He phoned my husband and introduced himself first.
You only have to watch the news to understand why its best that you know the step parent.
There's no way on earth anyone would be spending regular time with my child without knowing them.

Absolutely.