What am I doing wrong???

JustTryingtobeReasonable · 2023-08-27T21:47:48+00:00

DP and his ex have a baby. She left him while she was pregnant. She wanted him to have contact every weekend and he agreed. I’ve tried my best to accommodate this and help. Baby is formula fed cow and gate, she usually sends powder in a little pot but when I’d gone shopping I saw the same milk in little bottles already prepared (first milk) so had got a few as thought it would be easier. We used them over the weekend and I sent the rest back in the bag as thought they may be handy for her to have ? She called DP having a go what are they he said is picked them up and what was the issue as they are the same but she said I changed her baby’s milk?? I do some night feeds and she doesn’t like that but DP is a heavy sleeper so I do the 3 am feed usually . She said she will get a court order that the feeds are all to be done by DP, that he should be in the spare room with the cot not the cot in our room. Wanted to know have i changed nappies and if so not to anymore. Apparently someone had seen us out and I was pushing the pram and that will now be forbidden too as only DP should. When she came to collect the last time baby was asleep on me as she had been a bit unsettled so I’d been walking about. She was angry. Told me it’s not my baby and I need to back off and let DP see his child . That she didn’t go through pregnancy and birth alone to enable me to play mummy. Im trying my best but she hates me I don’t understand about the milk either it’s the exact same ?

misssunshine4040 · 27/08/2023 23:03

How long have you been together?
She sounds like she is pissed off and raw.
She wants him to parent not you even if this seems unfair to you.

You should not be letting him off doing the 3am feed. A deep sleeper? Tough, aren't we all!
You've not done anything wrong but he should be spending time with his baby doing the graft.

Original poster

JustTryingtobeReasonable · 27/08/2023 23:08

misssunshine4040 · 27/08/2023 23:03

How long have you been together?
She sounds like she is pissed off and raw.
She wants him to parent not you even if this seems unfair to you.

You should not be letting him off doing the 3am feed. A deep sleeper? Tough, aren't we all!
You've not done anything wrong but he should be spending time with his baby doing the graft.

6 months. Baby is 3 months old. She left him when she was 8 weeks pregnant. Prior to that she had been in a ltr they split up and she met DP they were together a few months but at 8 weeks pregnant she left him and said she wasn’t continuing the pregnancy, blocked him on everything but then didn’t have a termination and let him know when baby was born and that she was back with her ex and wanted to arrange maintenance and contact

OP posts:

NeedTheSeaside · 27/08/2023 23:18

If she wanted to have a say in how he parented his daughter she shouldn't have left him when she was pregnant & gone back to her ex.

She gets no more say in his parenting than he does in hers (unless it's clearly something dangerous). She gets NO say in where your DP sleeps or where the baby's cit is at your place.

ignore ignore ignore.

she went through the pregnancy alone because she left him & lied about a termination, that's on her.

same with 3am feed, if you're happy to do it, crack on.

push the pram, feed the baby, let her fall asleep on you IF it suits you.

If she doesn't like it, that's tough. Her own choices got her here and she's not in charge of their baby, on his time!

uneffingbelievable · 27/08/2023 23:22

Has he done a DNA test?
What a mess OP - I feel for you and the poor baby.

Wishitsnows · 27/08/2023 23:25

Why would you do this? Why would you want to get involved and look after such a young baby? This man seriously can’t be worth this

Rockfordpeach · 27/08/2023 23:26

I feel for you too, such a hard situation. I don't have any different advice from the previous posters. In regards to the milk, if I recall correctly the ready made milk in the bottles can taste sweeter than the powdered formula which can then make the baby refuse the powdered milk but I'm talking about experience with them years ago so may not be the case now

mummybear247 · 27/08/2023 23:30

Tell her to piss off op she has no say what happens at ur home and it seems like his ex is jealous for some reason I would tell ur other half to get a dna test just to make sure as the ex seems a bit shady...
@JustTryingtobeReasonable well done for helping ur other half not many people would help there other half with such a young baby x

misssunshine4040 · 27/08/2023 23:32

Very messy OP. 6 months in I would honestly cut my losses.
This situation isn't going to improve this baby is so tiny.

At the very least you need to leave when the baby is visiting and he can spend time alone with the baby without you. Remove yourself completely from the situation

mummybear247 · 27/08/2023 23:32

@JustTryingtobeReasonable ready made milk is a lot thinner than powder milk I found that ready made milk made my little one have have tummie ache and didn't fill him up xx

mummybear247 · 27/08/2023 23:36

misssunshine4040 · 27/08/2023 23:32

Very messy OP. 6 months in I would honestly cut my losses.
This situation isn't going to improve this baby is so tiny.

At the very least you need to leave when the baby is visiting and he can spend time alone with the baby without you. Remove yourself completely from the situation

Why should op have to leave she lives there and if baby's mum don't want her around baby then ops other half should take baby out and not have over night I don't know many mums that would leave there 3 month old baby so early over night with anyone I maybe wrong but I think it's too early to have a 3 month old baby staying out anywhere apart from home

Original poster

JustTryingtobeReasonable · 27/08/2023 23:40

mummybear247 · 27/08/2023 23:32

@JustTryingtobeReasonable ready made milk is a lot thinner than powder milk I found that ready made milk made my little one have have tummie ache and didn't fill him up xx

Yes and that was the weekend baby was unsettled so I feel awful but I was there buying it and saw that all the tubs of first milk had the corresponding bottles and I thought it exactly the same I feel really bad. DP hadn’t even put it on the list but I thought it was just easier to have milk at ours rather than it being sent in little pots . I do feel really bad but I had no idea it wasn’t the exact same.

i did think at first that DP would need a dna test but we do think it is definitely his baby and DP and Exs DP are totally different colours and baby looks like DP a lot so he trusts what she says (I hope that’s not a mistake and I was worried for him but I would be shocked if he isn’t the dad!)

I just wanted to help, it was either going to be split up or accept the situation so I thought I’d try to make the best of it but I feel like I’m stuck in the middle now.

I’ve suggested to DP he does all the handovers and I’ll keep out of the way

OP posts:

misssunshine4040 · 27/08/2023 23:40

@mummybear247 because they have only been together 6 months and the baby is only 3 months old.

The DP doesn't even get up in the night to feed his baby and she is being accused of all sorts! She shouldn't be doing any parenting she's only been in the relationship 5 minutes.

If she stepped away from being around his baby she will simplify her life and keep out their drama.

Original poster

JustTryingtobeReasonable · 27/08/2023 23:42

mummybear247 · 27/08/2023 23:36

Why should op have to leave she lives there and if baby's mum don't want her around baby then ops other half should take baby out and not have over night I don't know many mums that would leave there 3 month old baby so early over night with anyone I maybe wrong but I think it's too early to have a 3 month old baby staying out anywhere apart from home

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She wanted the contact arranged for when baby was 6 weeks old so it was started extremely early

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 27/08/2023 23:46

She’s made her bed so she should lie in it

I wonder if the same rules apply to her boyfriend? Is he not allowed to do these things either? I doubt it

Dont let the woman see or know what you are getting involved with - she is unreasonable and will likely hate you no matter what

Avoid her at all costs and don’t let her live rent free in your head!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/08/2023 23:50

Tbh no wonder she’s fuming - you changed the baby’s milk without why discussion with her. That you didn’t know it wasn’t the same makes it worse, not better. You owe her an apology for that one.

Your DP should be doing the work, not you.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/08/2023 23:51

Let your DP lead it - don’t fall into the trap of doing everything.

Especially while it’s still fractious between him and his ex.

mummybear247 · 27/08/2023 23:52

misssunshine4040 · 27/08/2023 23:40

@mummybear247 because they have only been together 6 months and the baby is only 3 months old.

The DP doesn't even get up in the night to feed his baby and she is being accused of all sorts! She shouldn't be doing any parenting she's only been in the relationship 5 minutes.

If she stepped away from being around his baby she will simplify her life and keep out their drama.

Well maybe the mum should look after her own baby then instead of dumping baby off from 6 weeks old and maybe op is trying to help her other half out so he's not tired it's call being kind and helping it's not like op is trying to take over and be mum I find ur comments rude

Original poster

JustTryingtobeReasonable · 27/08/2023 23:54

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/08/2023 23:50

Tbh no wonder she’s fuming - you changed the baby’s milk without why discussion with her. That you didn’t know it wasn’t the same makes it worse, not better. You owe her an apology for that one.

Your DP should be doing the work, not you.

I did apologise I felt really awful . It was so confusing as they packaging is the same and it’s the same brand first milk it just looked like the exact same and I thought it might be better.

DP does a lot, I’m at work Saturdays in the day for a few hours so they have time alone together. He does majority of the feeds too I just didn’t mind doing the 3 am one as he’s so hard to wake ! It just seemed easier

OP posts:

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/08/2023 23:57

JustTryingtobeReasonable · 27/08/2023 23:54

I did apologise I felt really awful . It was so confusing as they packaging is the same and it’s the same brand first milk it just looked like the exact same and I thought it might be better.

DP does a lot, I’m at work Saturdays in the day for a few hours so they have time alone together. He does majority of the feeds too I just didn’t mind doing the 3 am one as he’s so hard to wake ! It just seemed easier

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Well, being a bit blunt, if it was better do you not think the Mum would be using it?
With things like that if something seems much better or easier there’s generally a reason someone isn’t using it - very few people opt to do things in a harder way.

It’s very common for men to take the easier route. It’s also very often a slippery slope.

My DH had his DS full time when I met him because he was widowed (and I had my two girls as well) so I’m not anti step family or anti step parent, but there are a lot of men who are ultimately lazy and end up only doing the easy or fun bits.

mummybear247 · 27/08/2023 23:57

@JustTryingtobeReasonable u are not to know about the milk and it's not going to do any harm but give them a belly ache I find some people on here to be very rude I think u are trying to her ur other half out and yes I don't understand why the baby's mum would be wanting to let baby stay out at such a young age it shouldn't matter how long u have been with ur other half u are the only person that can decide if u stay together or split x

NeedTheSeaside · 27/08/2023 23:58

misssunshine4040 · 27/08/2023 23:32

Very messy OP. 6 months in I would honestly cut my losses.
This situation isn't going to improve this baby is so tiny.

At the very least you need to leave when the baby is visiting and he can spend time alone with the baby without you. Remove yourself completely from the situation

@misssunshine4040

Given he has the baby every weekend, I doubt the OP thinks that's a good option & why shouldn't they spend the weekend together.

his ex has no say in their sleeping arrangements or pram pushing!

mummybear247 · 27/08/2023 23:58

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/08/2023 23:50

Tbh no wonder she’s fuming - you changed the baby’s milk without why discussion with her. That you didn’t know it wasn’t the same makes it worse, not better. You owe her an apology for that one.

Your DP should be doing the work, not you.

She didn't change the baby's milk she got the same one but the ones that are all ready made

moomoosaka · 27/08/2023 23:58

I do actually agree with her tbh. If he wants contact it should be so he gets to endure the hard slog of parenting too. You should be able to assist him in this but at 6 months into a relationship don't get too involved with the baby let him show you he can cope with a baby and a relationship

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/08/2023 23:59

mummybear247 · 27/08/2023 23:58

She didn't change the baby's milk she got the same one but the ones that are all ready made

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That’s changing the baby’s milk. Powder and ready made are not exactly the same.

Original poster

JustTryingtobeReasonable · 27/08/2023 23:59

mummybear247 · 27/08/2023 23:57

@JustTryingtobeReasonable u are not to know about the milk and it's not going to do any harm but give them a belly ache I find some people on here to be very rude I think u are trying to her ur other half out and yes I don't understand why the baby's mum would be wanting to let baby stay out at such a young age it shouldn't matter how long u have been with ur other half u are the only person that can decide if u stay together or split x

Thankyou x

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