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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What am I doing wrong???

81 replies

JustTryingtobeReasonable · 27/08/2023 22:47

DP and his ex have a baby. She left him while she was pregnant.

She wanted him to have contact every weekend and he agreed. I’ve tried my best to accommodate this and help.

Baby is formula fed cow and gate, she usually sends powder in a little pot but when I’d gone shopping I saw the same milk in little bottles already prepared (first milk) so had got a few as thought it would be easier. We used them over the weekend and I sent the rest back in the bag as thought they may be handy for her to have ? She called DP having a go what are they he said is picked them up and what was the issue as they are the same but she said I changed her baby’s milk??

I do some night feeds and she doesn’t like that but DP is a heavy sleeper so I do the 3 am feed usually . She said she will get a court order that the feeds are all to be done by DP, that he should be in the spare room with the cot not the cot in our room. Wanted to know have i changed nappies and if so not to anymore. Apparently someone had seen us out and I was pushing the pram and that will now be forbidden too as only DP should.

When she came to collect the last time baby was asleep on me as she had been a bit unsettled so I’d been walking about. She was angry. Told me it’s not my baby and I need to back off and let DP see his child . That she didn’t go through pregnancy and birth alone to enable me to play mummy.

Im trying my best but she hates me

I don’t understand about the milk either it’s the exact same ?

OP posts:
Findyourneutralspace · 28/08/2023 00:33

It’s not unusual for a new mum to feel put out that someone else is parenting their child. There will be all sorts of emotions going on - missing the child, needing a break, resentment to dad, jealousy that another woman is looking after her baby, wanting someone else to take over sometimes because it’s all a lot. And that’s before you take the relationship break up into account (did she expect to be doing this as a couple?)

You made a mistake with the milk. Easily sorted. I just think that mum is probably a bit all over the place and taking it out on you.

mummybear247 · 28/08/2023 00:36

misssunshine4040 · 28/08/2023 00:31

@mummybear247 are you serious? He has moved in with her after such a short while and now she has a 12 week old baby in her house every weekend?!

How does any of this sound like a good set up? For anyone?!
OP needs to see that this situation has drama and nightmares all over it! Poor wee baby in the middle

Op can always say right I'm done u have to move out or I'm sorry but u can't have the baby here u will have to find some place to have her I can see it from both sides but she's trying to help her other half is that a crime

misssunshine4040 · 28/08/2023 00:40

No not a crime at all @mummybear247 but definitely naive and not in her interests. The red flags are pretty obvious

mummybear247 · 28/08/2023 00:40

misssunshine4040 · 28/08/2023 00:31

@mummybear247 are you serious? He has moved in with her after such a short while and now she has a 12 week old baby in her house every weekend?!

How does any of this sound like a good set up? For anyone?!
OP needs to see that this situation has drama and nightmares all over it! Poor wee baby in the middle

My other half moved in with me after 4 months and he's still around 15 years later and op other half was told by baby's mums she wasn't keeping the baby so it's not like he knew he was be a dad

mummybear247 · 28/08/2023 00:44

misssunshine4040 · 28/08/2023 00:40

No not a crime at all @mummybear247 but definitely naive and not in her interests. The red flags are pretty obvious

Yes maybe red flags but that's for op to see

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/08/2023 00:45

mummybear247 · 28/08/2023 00:44

Yes maybe red flags but that's for op to see

Show quote history

It's perfectly acceptable for people to point them out, just as it is for you to say it's all fine...

mummybear247 · 28/08/2023 00:48

@YetMoreNewBeginnings yes it is ur right but that more people point it out the more op will not see it she has to learn by her own mistake and that's a lesson some people have to learn by them selfs

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/08/2023 00:52

mummybear247 · 28/08/2023 00:48

@YetMoreNewBeginnings yes it is ur right but that more people point it out the more op will not see it she has to learn by her own mistake and that's a lesson some people have to learn by them selfs

The Op posted on a forum for opinions so clearly she wants to hear opinions.

It’s not up to you to decide that she’s had too many of certain ones.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 28/08/2023 00:54

Don't worry about changing the milk OP it was an honest mistake and DP the baby's dad was fine with it - he also gets a say so don't worry.

It's very kind of you to help out so much ❤️.

Just continue as you are as long as it makes you happy. Being supportive isn't a bad thing.

You're allowed to push a pram and do feeds. No judge will issue a court order to say who can push a flipping pram FGS.

Just stay out of the way at handover and carry on. Ignore her.

GKD · 28/08/2023 01:00

Out of interest how old is mum?

she’s only 12 weeks post partum and possibly not thinking straight.

It’s unusual for a mother to do so many overnights so soon - is she coping?

Re the milk, I don’t think you can shrug a ‘mistakes happen’ when a decision made has made things difficult for a newborn esp when mum provided what they needed. Having said that - it’s why my babies are kept close…

Dad sounds like he is over relying on you, this situ has disaster written all over it.

mummybear247 · 28/08/2023 01:01

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Alargeoneplease89 · 28/08/2023 01:02

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't op.

Please don't take it to heart, you sound lovely.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/08/2023 01:06

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Yeah, you did when you started telling people what to post.

The only person jumping on peoples necks is you.

mummybear247 · 28/08/2023 01:07

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YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/08/2023 01:09

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Maybe lay off the booze while you’re online. You’re making yourself look silly.

And derailing the thread when some people are actually giving the OP good advice.

mummybear247 · 28/08/2023 01:10

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moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 06:03

JustTryingtobeReasonable · 28/08/2023 00:17

We live together in my house so it’s not like I can just leave each weekend !

You don't have to leave each weekend. Just leave him to do the parenting. Go out with your mates. Don't get tied down by a baby until you know the relationship has legs

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 06:28

Also he should be buying his own tub of formula

BlueMoe · 28/08/2023 06:32

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 00:01

And 3 months in its possible she's still in mama bear mode

Absolutely, I have a lot of sympathy for her.

At three months old the instinct of “ITS MY BABY” is very very strong.

He needs to pull his socks up.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/08/2023 07:07

I would get a DNA test pronto. I'd also look at your partner who is too tired for 3 am feed but lets you do it. He sounds absolutely useless.

He moved in pretty quickly didn't he? Did you not have a cocklodger alert going off in your head?

foolishone · 28/08/2023 07:16

@JustTryingtobeReasonable I would be really careful here and maybe back off a bit. You've been together 6 months, you're living together and you're playing weekend mummy.

How well do you know this guy? Did you meet 6 months ago too?
More to the point, how well does he know you to have you living with and providing care for the baby. You could be anyone, yet he's leaving you to do night feeds and nappies.

This all sounds very messy and complicated. This woman is angry you're in her baby's life and if you stay together you've got years ahead of having to deal with her.

If you don't, you are building a bond with the baby and it'll be really tough to walk away from that and maybe hard and confusing for the child too.

SpideyWoman1 · 28/08/2023 07:19

OP you’re trying so hard, please don’t loose yourself and don’t hold yourself accountable to this woman’s standards - you cant please her, so don’t stress yourself out trying.

Whattodo112222 · 28/08/2023 07:25

When she says to you about not having went through pregnancy so you could play mummy.. what do you say?

Tbh, I can kinda see her point. She wants her ex to step up but you're doing everything and he's happy letting you.

Is this bloke really worth it??

Ollifer · 28/08/2023 07:29

Tbh I kinda get the mums point. The ready made milk is a bit different to powder so I wouldn't want it changed at such a young age. Also, he only has the baby a couple of nights, it really should be him.doing night feeds - what if they stayed together and he had the baby full time!? He needs to get off his arse and do the bit of parenting when he has his child.

Not blaming you as you're clearly being really helpful and doing what you can, just trying to show it from the mums point of view. She quite rightly wants the father to be stepping up and doing the parenting. It won't get any better if he's already pushing it onto you and the baby is only 12 weeks old.

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 07:30

BlueMoe · 28/08/2023 06:32

Absolutely, I have a lot of sympathy for her.

At three months old the instinct of “ITS MY BABY” is very very strong.

He needs to pull his socks up.

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Yes and she probably feels she has to let the dad be involved and give him a chance. But he's not stepping up he's outsourcing it to someone she doesn't know!