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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

stepkids and dog

74 replies

ifandbutwhynot · 15/08/2023 19:07

Back again🥲

looking for advice as at my wits end to be honest.

the stepkids have just come back home from a week at ours and told their mother that my dog bites them all the time.

I’m going to stress that this is absolutely not the case. The dog is never left around the kids unsupervised and I’ve made a particular point of keeping an eye on them all, the kids aren’t familiar with dogs other than mine and aren’t always the best at listening when asked to leave him alone, not get in his face etc, so I’ve made a point of removing him from the room at times to give him space and doing my best to explain them about his demeanour, his cues etc. they do generally love spending time with him and he is the same constantly looking for fuss, play, etc from them. I’ve never even considered it a problem until now.

Unfortunately but perhaps understandably their mother has lost her mind about it and is threatening to have the dog taken off me for being dangerous around kids.

The child in question has admitted over the phone to us that she lied about it. her mother is still threatening and is saying that the child only said she lied because she was in trouble.

I’m absolutely livid and trying to weigh up my options. We have agreed that I’m going to speak to the kids this weekend about the situation but I’m unsure really of what to say! I don’t want them anywhere near each other for the time being.

aware I may be overreacting but incredibly stressed and we have the kids overnight again for the weekend. I’m weighing up simply going elsewhere with him when they come over, but I’m also not pleased to be pushed out of my own home (which is, fwiw, my flat, with my name on the lease, me responsible for paying everything etc) and honestly I don’t have too many options to be able to go anyway.

any advice on how to handle it welcome! If he was difficult with the kids I’d absolutely be considering a behaviourist but the dog has done absolutely nothing wrong so I really don’t know what to do. Trying to be as reasonable as possible and I don’t know if she’d be able to get him taken off me anyway but it’s certainly not something I’m willing to risk.

TIA, I guess 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MrsKwazi · 15/08/2023 20:34

If this is part of a pattern of behaviour that your partner is not dealing with, aka your life from now on forever, I would honestly re-evaluate the relationship.

LovefromPickles · 15/08/2023 20:36

I may be mistaken but your posts give the impression you haven’t been with your partner that long (eg the fact lease is just in your name)

In which case they aren’t your step kids they are just your partner’s kids & he should arrange to spend time with them elsewhere

Theunamedcat · 15/08/2023 20:38

He needs to get off his arse and sort out somewhere else to take them your home is off the table and if he insists I would be putting cameras in the common areas

MyAnacondaMight · 15/08/2023 20:40

This is really serious. Please protect your dog - nobody else will.

These children cannot be in your home until the lying stops. Explain why - that the dog will
be killed if they continue to lie - and then it’s down to your partner to obtain an apology or manage the situation.

DiddlyDonut · 15/08/2023 20:45

Don't let them anywhere near your dog, they can see your OH elsewhere.

If they are lying about this what's to
say they don't start antagonising the dog on purpose.. Absolutely protect your pet (and them).

janeholden · 15/08/2023 20:53

Twoshoesnewshoes · 15/08/2023 20:29

They sound very young? I think saying they are ‘lying’ is a bit strong. There will be a reason behind their behaviour. Perhaps they are scared of the dog, or don’t like leaving home to come to yours?
but I agree, this is your partner’s problem to solve. Why doesn’t he have his own place?

What other word would you use for someone that says something that isn't true?

SkatieKatie · 15/08/2023 21:04

It's not for you to speak to the kids. They'll twist what you say or cry and you'll be the bad guy.

This is on your partner, not you. He should find somewhere to stay this weekend, you should not be moving out.

I would be reconsidering the whole relationship tbh

Vijia · 15/08/2023 21:20

Op surely you can see that itt your home, your dog, your insurance.

You need to find out why you are being treated like a door mat in your own home.

Are you usually this naiive and easily used by others?!

This relationship is not your or your dog's best interests is it?

Why are you pandering to them, their needs and where are your boundaries?!

Fgs Please put yourself and your dog first!!!

This relationship is toxic and means trouble and could very easily end with your dog being put down and for what?!

Get them out of your house and stop making it your responsibility how difficult it may be for your oh.
He is using you and you are not seeing it.

Good fathers don't sponge off their new partner like this!!

Newestname002 · 15/08/2023 21:50

@ifandbutwhynot

Their father (my partner) has suggested this but he has nowhere else either to take them for the weekends they’re spending with him

This is for him to resolve. Even if it's an AirBnB each time - he needs to deal with this problem if it's not to cause more issues for you and your dog. 🌹

uneffingbelievable · 15/08/2023 22:28

/you have a very young child who has told some big lies around the age of 5-7 years old. Allowing for the no see 6 months and a trip to court.

You have an unsettled unhappy child who knows how to draw attention to herself and a single mum who is protecting her DCs.

Rather than scaring the living shit out of a very young unhappy 7 yr old by telling her, her actions will kill the dog - her DF needs to explore the reasons why she feels the need to lie.

She wants attention which she is patently telling you she is not getting right now

EmilyBrontesGhost · 15/08/2023 22:33

Unfortunately but perhaps understandably their mother has lost her mind about it

Why is she losing her mind about it?

If the dog had bitten the children there would be evidence of that. Clearly there isn't, so I'm not sure what the problem is?

BarbieWorldFantastic · 15/08/2023 23:02

Kids wouldn’t be coming over my place anymore. Full stop.
It’s not your problem to figure out where he takes them, that’s his problem.
My dog would come way before my step kids.

Savagepuma · 15/08/2023 23:10

BarbieWorldFantastic · 15/08/2023 23:02

Kids wouldn’t be coming over my place anymore. Full stop.
It’s not your problem to figure out where he takes them, that’s his problem.
My dog would come way before my step kids.

This!

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2023 23:19

I agree they shouldn’t come over and it’s on their dad to address the lying and its consequences, not you.

I'm pleased and surprised you’re having so much support. I wonder if it’s because the lies are about a dog and not a child. It takes a lot for MN posters to ever suggest keeping non resident kids away from their second home.

billy1966 · 16/08/2023 00:02

Are you completely out of your mind to consider leaving YOUR own home?

Dear lord, really?

Tell him his children will not be coming to YOUR home again.

Why are you tolerating this?

Where is your self respect?

Unbelievable.

No man is worth this grief and aggro.

HirplesWithHaggis · 16/08/2023 00:25

She wants attention which she is patently telling you she is not getting right now

If that's true (and I agree it may well be), surely she's looking for more attention from her mum, since it's to her she tells the tall tales? How does OP/her DP fix that?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2023 00:27

Op, why are you electing to have this bullshit in your life? He's not the only man in the world. Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and get rid of him and his drama.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 16/08/2023 01:47

TomatoSandwiches · 15/08/2023 19:12

I would tell your oh that he needs to find somewhere else to have them for his visits, I wouldn't have them anywhere near my dog if they were lying about biting.

I agree with this. You've stated its actually your home not his, and it's his kids that are causing the problem. Plus it's easier for a parent/children to rent an Airbnb than a woman/dog. No brainer really.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 16/08/2023 01:54

We have agreed that I’m going to speak to the kids this weekend about the situation but I’m unsure really of what to say!
I didn't pick this up at first. Why isn't the father speaking to his own child?

Why is everything your responsibility to solve?

autienotnaughti · 16/08/2023 03:56

TomatoSandwiches · 15/08/2023 19:12

I would tell your oh that he needs to find somewhere else to have them for his visits, I wouldn't have them anywhere near my dog if they were lying about biting.

Definitely this.

If you are sure the dog didn't bite/snap/act aggressive. Tell your partner he will need to see kids elsewhere until this is resolved. I can see mums perspective. I wouldn't want my kids going somewhere with a aggression animal. (Not saying he is but if she's been told that)

autienotnaughti · 16/08/2023 03:59

Why is this your issue? He can take them out for the day instead of having them over night.

Mariposista · 16/08/2023 04:09

How disgusting. Ughh can’t stand liars.
Totally agree with PP, you want solid evidence of any biting and until they give you that they are not welcome anywhere near your precious dog and home if they can’t tell the truth. Mother is a fool for believing them without it.

Dentistlakes · 16/08/2023 04:13

They shouldn’t be allowed back into your home until they admit to their mother they lied. You can’t have them lying about this; it could lead to your dog getting put down.

Beamur · 16/08/2023 10:10

I think you all need to try and take the heat down a notch here.
Dad and only Dad is the person to deal with this.
He needs to have a calm and understanding chat with his DD and explain that it's important to be truthful and say she's not in trouble if she has said something that wasn't true (i.e the dog bite) but she needs to understand that telling untruths can have consequences for other people too.
As it's your home and your dog and you are sure this didn't happen then I don't think you should vacate either.
Again, calmly your partner needs to have a conversation with his ex - if she doesn't want the kids at your place where the dog lives, they will have to come to other arrangements. Maybe daytime only visits or he takes them away for the weekend. He still needs to honour his contact time though.

flowergirl2020 · 16/08/2023 12:10

I wouldn't have them around if they are going to make devious stuff like this up. Actions have consequences. Their Dad can see them elsewhere. Poor dog. Hope you are ok. What a nasty lie to make up xx

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