stepkids and dog

[ifandbutwhynot]

Back again🥲

looking for advice as at my wits end to be honest.

the stepkids have just come back home from a week at ours and told their mother that my dog bites them all the time.

I’m going to stress that this is absolutely not the case. The dog is never left around the kids unsupervised and I’ve made a particular point of keeping an eye on them all, the kids aren’t familiar with dogs other than mine and aren’t always the best at listening when asked to leave him alone, not get in his face etc, so I’ve made a point of removing him from the room at times to give him space and doing my best to explain them about his demeanour, his cues etc. they do generally love spending time with him and he is the same constantly looking for fuss, play, etc from them. I’ve never even considered it a problem until now.

Unfortunately but perhaps understandably their mother has lost her mind about it and is threatening to have the dog taken off me for being dangerous around kids.

The child in question has admitted over the phone to us that she lied about it. her mother is still threatening and is saying that the child only said she lied because she was in trouble.

I’m absolutely livid and trying to weigh up my options. We have agreed that I’m going to speak to the kids this weekend about the situation but I’m unsure really of what to say! I don’t want them anywhere near each other for the time being.

aware I may be overreacting but incredibly stressed and we have the kids overnight again for the weekend. I’m weighing up simply going elsewhere with him when they come over, but I’m also not pleased to be pushed out of my own home (which is, fwiw, my flat, with my name on the lease, me responsible for paying everything etc) and honestly I don’t have too many options to be able to go anyway.

any advice on how to handle it welcome! If he was difficult with the kids I’d absolutely be considering a behaviourist but the dog has done absolutely nothing wrong so I really don’t know what to do. Trying to be as reasonable as possible and I don’t know if she’d be able to get him taken off me anyway but it’s certainly not something I’m willing to risk.

TIA, I guess 🤦🏻‍♀️

I agree that they can't come to your house anymore, and can't see your dog in any environment. It's totally unfair to your dog to put them at risk like that.

I think it absolutely needs to be told to her very simply that lying about a dog biting can get the dog killed. She needs to understand that lies like this are not small things, and the reason that they are so bad is they hurt people, sometimes in ways that can't be made better by saying sorry.

And I agree with PP that the next lie could be about you. I wouldn't feel safe at all.

Funny how these homeless guys always find a woman with a home to provide housing for THEIR children.

Cannot get my head around anyone actually thinking they should vacate THEIR OWN HOME in this situation.

Really unbelievably sad.

You need to ensure that you are never alone with the children and that the dog is never around them. The easiest way to do this is for the children to see their dad somewhere other that your home. Your partner can either get his own place or take the kids to an airbnb for his weekends.

The kids are little, probably don't understand the seriousness of what that are reasons for their behaviour but none of this negates how dangerous the situation for you and your dog can become if the lies escalate and their mother believes them. If their mother thinks that your dog bit them then I am sure she would also welcome their dad seeing them elsewhere.

Why is it you that is going to speak to the DC and not their father? He should be talking to them about this, not you. He is the parent.

(To be fair to the mum snips wouldn’t necessarily leave marks but I think it’s natural to be scared it might escalate.)
Otherwise completely agree with PP, they’ve already dragged you through a 6month court case ! This needs to be addressed and now, and they wouldn’t be back in my house until it was, because with all the recent cases in particular, your poor dog may not be given that courtesy of benefit of doubt.

The worrying thing to me is, wasn’t the child distressed at no time with no contact with dad for so long ? It may mean you’d have a very long road ahead…

By this I mean it may not be a simple case of ‘learning her lesson about lying’ by a few weeks ban, if she learnt nothing from a 6 months one in a court

I would have a serious conversation with child about the repercussions of her lies on her visits and also for the dog. I would also install cameras to record her with the dog. Take photos of child’s body each day, any bumps or bruises, just in case anything comes of it. The mother obviously doesn’t believe her as surely she wouldn’t want visits if the dog did actually bite her. Do you have stair gates so dog can be separated from child, it will also show that you are a responsible dog owner.

No interaction with the ddog at all. I imagine the dc will actually miss this. And imo a shame if the WiFi was off the next visit.. They can experience boredom while they reflect on their diabolical behaviour... Step back op. Enjoy your ddog-outdoor space and a coffee and cake. Dc stuck indoors away from ddog of course... Dp can spend the visit working on the behaviour of the real problem here..

I wouldn’t risk having them in the same house to be honest, she can lie about being separated easily

Get some dummy cameras or real of you choose... Tell dc they are up to make sure they are safe... And imo so is ddog. Can't imagine IT is to safe if they now need to be able to prove a bite....

Caméras ok but OP will be facing 48h of footage for the weekends because if the kid lies she very likely won’t give a time.
I just wouldn’t entertain this shit at all, poor dog needs to be protected.

If I may ask, why is everyone in your flat all expenses paid by you OP ? If partner pays nothing surely he can figure out a cheap Airbnb for his contact time for now ? Definitely don’t leave yourself!

I agree. SCs do not come to the house. If it was their dad house and dog then it would be one thing but it isn't. The risk is too great to you and your dog to allow for the slightest opportunity for doubt.

I agree with others - tell your partner that they can't come this weekend - or any weekend if they're going to make false accusations.

I imagine though that the poor kids are trying to please their mum by saying things they know she wants to hear.

Did both children said they were bitten or just one? What did the other said? If both said it happened, I can understand mums concerns. If one said it, then retracted and the other child was adamant it wasn't true, surely mum has to believe it was a lie!

Do you have DC with the DSC’s father? Is he really worth all this?

You’ve had lies from this child about how you treated the children which led to court and no contact for 6 months and now she lies about your dog biting her? What’s next? All this at the age of 7. She needs some form of support or counselling because something is going very wrong. For you, I’d be frightened of what happens next. Allegations of child abuse could lead to social services involvement with your children (if you have any), it could impact your job and family relationships. How long before the next accusation?

I wouldn’t have her in what you’ve said is solely your home (financially and legally).

Telling lies that don't have a victim as such, for example lying that it was them that ate the biscuits before tea time is one thing but lying to say an innocent animal has been biting them is very worrying.

The child has the capacity to understand they are lying and being malicious even if they don't know what the word malicious means!

What if they next day you hit them with Jen you've been alone with them?

There is no way that child would be welcome in my house and the father can see his children elsewhere.

Hirples - she is telling "lies" about the OPS setup - why does she want more attention from her mum. Surely she is trying to say something is not right with her DF not the other way round.

Something makes her uncomfortble there

This was a nasty lie that requires consequences. Your BF doesn't seem to be giving you any support or solutions - just sitting back and letting his ex call the shots and dictate what she expects in your home!

So at the very least, he needs to see his children elsewhere. By making it his problem, he may actually do something about it.

Unfortunately but perhaps understandably their mother has lost her mind about it and is threatening to have the dog taken off me for being dangerous around kids.

No. You tell your partner that his kids cannot be at your house.

I am not a keen on dogs especially around kids but I totally agree with this. He will need to find an alternative. This is your home and for whatever reasons the kids have decided to make this up.

Although if she did report it I doubt your dog would be removed or anything tbh because sometimes dogs which have taken chunks out of people aren’t even removed or put down and they are allowed to remain with the owner. And in this instance I don’t see how the mother Could prove it, since it didn’t happen. But it’s still not nice feeling that there is a risk of authorities getting involved. So yeah your partner needs to sort this out.

/you have a very young child who has told some big lies around the age of 5-7 years old. Allowing for the no see 6 months and a trip to court.

You have an unsettled unhappy child who knows how to draw attention to herself and a single mum who is protecting her DCs.

Rather than scaring the living shit out of a very young unhappy 7 yr old by telling her, her actions will kill the dog - her DF needs to explore the reasons why she feels the need to lie.

She wants attention which she is patently telling you she is not getting right now

This is a good point. I just saw the updates about how she has lied about other things too and there’s clearly something going on with her that her mum and dad need to get to the bottom of it before it escalates.

I used to work with kids from troubled backgrounds and I often worried I’d come across this type of child because they can cause a lot of problems, but thankfully I never. Sounds like she feels insecure and wants attention. I feel sad for the child but personally I would run from this kind of situation - she’s not your child.

@ifandbutwhynot how long has your partner and her mum been split up? Does her mum have a new partner too and the little girl feels pushed out from both parents? Either way it’s down to your partner and her mother to sort this. You need to deal with the root problem or it’ll likely just keep on happening.

Air bnb?

I’m another one who wouldn’t have these children in my house.

DP will have to find somewhere else to have them, or move out and rent his own place.