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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I've told DH the truth that I don't want to holiday with his kids

94 replies

Holiboo · 08/08/2023 14:35

Am I just awful?

I have two stepchildren and one child of my own with my husband.

I have felt for a while that my stepchildren's behaviour when we are out and about is not acceptable. Whenever we go anywhere, for a meal, out for the day as a family, the few times we've been away for a couple of days for example, their behaviour is nothing short of embarrassing. They cannot go anywhere without arguing constantly, throwing tantrums. I have taken a huge step back from being involved in going anywhere all together because I hate it, it ruins the whole day or evening and I am sick of it. They are rarely pulled up, rarely told no and are just, in my honest opinion given everything they want. My husband struggles with the age old Dad guilt of not wanting to be the bad guy or the bad parent who they won't want to visit anymore and so rarely deals with these issues effectively wanting to act more like a friend than a parent in my opinion.

They are good kids a lot of the time but they cannot be together without it ending up in arguments and squabbles and crying or sulking.

Anyway, DH has been going on for some time about wanting to do a first family holiday abroad and I have admitted to him that I don't want to. I just don't have any desire to go away all together, spend thousands and just be pissed off and irritated the whole time. He is welcome to take the children himself or with his family for example and I think I'll probably do the same with our DC and my family at some point but I do not have any desire to go all together and its because of their behaviour and, more importantly, his inability to manage it.

He is now pissed at me and thinks I'm being unreasonable and mean. He does not take any negative comments about DSC well at all, which is another issue.

I will add that I don't think he's a bad Dad but I do think, and have for a while, that there can be a bit of competing going on between him and his ex with who lets them get away with the most or disciplines them the least if that makes sense and he is terrified that if he steps up and actually parents when these things happen that they will just stop wanting to see him. I can sympathise that it must be very hard and worrying being separated from your co parent but I honestly just can't be bothered with it anymore.

I have long let go of the idea of a lovely family holiday and would prefer me and DH to take DC separately (i.e. him with older DCs and ours or a mix of whatever and me with our child and then perhaps just me and DH alone if we can sometimes).

Am I terrible?

OP posts:

liondreams · 08/08/2023 14:38

How old are his DC?

Imnotmadaboutit · 08/08/2023 14:38

Wait until your DC is that age.
Kids are embarrassing sometimes.
I do think it’s awful to suggest he takes his new DC on holiday and leaves his old ones behind or takes them separately, what message do you think that sends his DC?

MeridianB · 08/08/2023 14:41

So an ongoing problem that he's refused to tackle has come to head with the duration and cost involved for a holiday. Far better that you are honest now than waste that time off and money being stressed.

If he feels really strongly about it then he can take his two away. I bet he won't ever do this because he wouldn't be able to dump most of the parenting on you.

And its interesting that he thinks you're mean for opting out, while completely missing the point that by opting out of being a parent for years, he's caused the issue!

Cognitivedisonance · 08/08/2023 14:43

OP it’s a tough one. I think you need to remember that kids change. They grow up and develop and become more independent so that they are easier to mange and can entertain themselves. Also you can go on holiday together without spending all day with them, for example, book activities for them that your little one is too small to do. Book things to do with LO that the older kids won’t be interested in. Manipulate it so that DH does 90% of their care and management. With this in mind, I’d choose somewhere like centerparcs ( all over Europe) euro camp and places like this. The kids often make friends and hang about with them leaving you to relax by the pool . Would this compromise work?

ValerieDoonican · 08/08/2023 14:44

I think she was suggesting that she takes her/their DC wthout DH, DH takes his (ie all) DC without her. I am assuming his DC also go on holiday with their Mum.

I don't think this is terrible, but I do think OP and her DH need to have a hard think and an honest talk about how thier want their joint DC to grow up/behave and respond to discipline. DH might want to look into the diea that clear parenting and boundaries makes children feel more secure. They surely want to know they have a strong consistent [parent in thier Dad?

MorningOclock · 08/08/2023 14:46

How old are the children? This makes a difference

Nevermay · 08/08/2023 14:47

The problem is not that you have TOLD your DP that you don't want to go on holiday with his kids.

The problem is that his kids behaviour and his parenting is such that you don't want to go on holiday with them

And no, of course you shouldn't go if it will be a miserable experience - why should you?

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 14:59

YANBU or awful, you haven't even suggested all going without them. It's a shame but it's just how it is, I feel the same as you FWIW - the cost of a holiday abroad is a big deal to us and I can't see the point in going when I know I would hate it for similar reasons to you.

Reugny · 08/08/2023 15:52

Imnotmadaboutit · 08/08/2023 14:38

Not all children behave like those DC believe it or not.

I've taken siblings out including SC and they don't behave like that. I go out to child friendly pubs, restaurants,soft play etc and the majority of children who are there with siblings behave.

TheFoxCatcher · 08/08/2023 15:54

How old are his children and how old is your child?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/08/2023 15:58

Tbh I wouldn't have even had kids with a man who fails to effectively parent the children he already had. I'd certainly find it unattractive if my dh suddenly became a poor parent, its a intrinsic part of life.

Wheres the protection for your joint children, in how he parents them? He either does a shit job (as he currently does with his other two kids), or he does a better job, and actually is much stricter/firmer with his third child

Neither of these options are actually good parenting!

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 08/08/2023 16:02

What a dilemma for you! Can you try finding things SC do that are decent and nice and compliment them to him then gently say how nice it is when they behave like this, and let him make the connection to the other times being not so nice?

Yes, of course I know you shouldn't have to , but it's either manage the situation or leave him.

I definitely wouldn't want to spend money going away to be miserable! But it's DH you need to train, and when it's appropriate, speak to SC about their behaviour as and when it happens. Do it gently, and maybe things will start to change. You don't want your own child modelling himself on older half-siblings' behaviour.

Someone suggested Centreparcs - a good place to accommodate various ages and interests, and you'll be able to have time with your child doing younger activities, see how that goes , tell DH it's a trial run before going abroad. Go in your own car and if it's really awful, just leave him and SC there.

LemonLimeDivine · 08/08/2023 16:06

YADNBU
Why should you waste money on a holiday if it’s going to be like this and he’s refusing to tackle their behaviour.

Let him have his holiday with them and have to deal with it all himself. Maybe then he might understand where you’re coming from. Not that he’ll probably admit it…….

TinaYouFatLard · 08/08/2023 16:24

They are good kids a lot of the time but they cannot be together without it ending up in arguments and squabbles and crying or sulking.

This is pretty standard stuff when you have more than one child.

SayingwhatIreallythink · 08/08/2023 17:21

Would his parents not prefer to go on holiday with just their dad? Not a stepparent or child, but I would have thought that would be their preferred option anyway

RhymesWithTangerine · 08/08/2023 17:33

I think this is fair really.

Why does he need you to come along (because he needs parental back up?).

Don’t be unpleasant. ALL DC are embarrassing and argue and that is totally normal. But, yeah, you don’t need to be there for that - it’s his responsibility.

villamariavintrapp · 08/08/2023 18:37

Fair enough really, he's not doing his kids any favours. I'd imagine that if you don't want to be around them because of their behaviour, other people must also dislike it. He can step up and parent them so that they turn into teens and adults that others want to be around, or not.

SemperIdem · 08/08/2023 18:46

I have had a similar conversation. My thoughts may change as the years roll by but for now, it is quite simply not something I want to do.

WomanAtWork · 08/08/2023 18:54

so hard

I think you’re entitled to not want to spend precious holiday days with his kids. But he’s entitled to parent how he sees fit and not unreasonable for him to hope you can vacation altogether

maybe … he could take your step dc on vacation without you for a long weekend to see how that goes and you could take your dc somewhere?

Neonyellowfish · 08/08/2023 23:47

YANBU. You don’t have to go on holiday with 2 kids that are total pain in the asses.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to go on holiday with them. He can parent them solo (or not parent) on holiday if he wants to go away.

Imafirework · 09/08/2023 12:03

TinaYouFatLard · 08/08/2023 16:24

They are good kids a lot of the time but they cannot be together without it ending up in arguments and squabbles and crying or sulking.

This is pretty standard stuff when you have more than one child.

No it's not if they have been bought up with boundaries and taught how to behave!

graystoon82 · 09/08/2023 23:22

YANBU I have just returned (yesterday) from a holiday that was made utterly unbearable by DSD every single day. It cost a lot of money (as holidays do!) and all of my family and extended family were totally impacted by the tantrums, bad behaviour and general rudeness of DSD.

OP - book your own holiday. That's what I'll be doing next year

WandaWonder · 09/08/2023 23:25

Nevermay · 08/08/2023 14:47

The problem is not that you have TOLD your DP that you don't want to go on holiday with his kids.

The problem is that his kids behaviour and his parenting is such that you don't want to go on holiday with them

And no, of course you shouldn't go if it will be a miserable experience - why should you?

This, I would say when the behaviour get addressed you will reconsider then

1993GoToo · 09/08/2023 23:29

So weird to start a thread with a massive opening post, then to just disappear for a day and a half, and not put one of the most important things in the post - their ages.

roseheartfly · 10/08/2023 06:41

Honestly could have written this post myself.

No you are not awful, it is bloody hard.

Perhaps suggest a shorted uk break as a 'family'... jd be reluctant to spend money on a holiday I know I won't enjoy.

I've just come back from a few nights away in the Uk with them all and I feel so exhausted.

Yes children at some ages can be hard work but when they are SC it adds a layer of complexity and it's just not the same as dealing with your own children.

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