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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I've told DH the truth that I don't want to holiday with his kids

94 replies

Holiboo · 08/08/2023 14:35

Am I just awful?

I have two stepchildren and one child of my own with my husband.

I have felt for a while that my stepchildren's behaviour when we are out and about is not acceptable. Whenever we go anywhere, for a meal, out for the day as a family, the few times we've been away for a couple of days for example, their behaviour is nothing short of embarrassing. They cannot go anywhere without arguing constantly, throwing tantrums. I have taken a huge step back from being involved in going anywhere all together because I hate it, it ruins the whole day or evening and I am sick of it. They are rarely pulled up, rarely told no and are just, in my honest opinion given everything they want. My husband struggles with the age old Dad guilt of not wanting to be the bad guy or the bad parent who they won't want to visit anymore and so rarely deals with these issues effectively wanting to act more like a friend than a parent in my opinion.

They are good kids a lot of the time but they cannot be together without it ending up in arguments and squabbles and crying or sulking.

Anyway, DH has been going on for some time about wanting to do a first family holiday abroad and I have admitted to him that I don't want to. I just don't have any desire to go away all together, spend thousands and just be pissed off and irritated the whole time. He is welcome to take the children himself or with his family for example and I think I'll probably do the same with our DC and my family at some point but I do not have any desire to go all together and its because of their behaviour and, more importantly, his inability to manage it.

He is now pissed at me and thinks I'm being unreasonable and mean. He does not take any negative comments about DSC well at all, which is another issue.

I will add that I don't think he's a bad Dad but I do think, and have for a while, that there can be a bit of competing going on between him and his ex with who lets them get away with the most or disciplines them the least if that makes sense and he is terrified that if he steps up and actually parents when these things happen that they will just stop wanting to see him. I can sympathise that it must be very hard and worrying being separated from your co parent but I honestly just can't be bothered with it anymore.

I have long let go of the idea of a lovely family holiday and would prefer me and DH to take DC separately (i.e. him with older DCs and ours or a mix of whatever and me with our child and then perhaps just me and DH alone if we can sometimes).

Am I terrible?

OP posts:
crossstitchingnana · 10/08/2023 10:14

This is all so sad. I feel for the children in this. To be honest a lot of my family holidays, with dh and our children, were bloody hard work when they were small. They were not fun, relaxing times but did contain some wonderful moments that we cherish. Holidays are never perfect, especially with little kids and surely the self-esteem of you SCs comes first?

We never went on expensive holidays when the kids were small, for the very reason that we didn't want to spend 1000s on a break and then stress that it wasn't what we hoped.

I would lower expectations and just do it. It will be what it will be, but you won't be paying for therapy in 10 years time.

doodleygirl · 10/08/2023 10:19

Turn it round to his parenting rather than the SDC. Tell him until he can be bothered to parent you won’t entertain the idea of a holiday.

You say he is a good dad but a good parent also disciplined.

AndyMcFlurry · 10/08/2023 10:24

I think it’s fine to tell him how you feel . You are not their parent , people always want step mothers to take on the work and financial responsibilities for Sc but never discipline them, have boundaries etc . You are wise not to do this.

I think your plan of separate holidays is a good plan .

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2023 10:36

crossstitchingnana · 10/08/2023 10:14

This is all so sad. I feel for the children in this. To be honest a lot of my family holidays, with dh and our children, were bloody hard work when they were small. They were not fun, relaxing times but did contain some wonderful moments that we cherish. Holidays are never perfect, especially with little kids and surely the self-esteem of you SCs comes first?

We never went on expensive holidays when the kids were small, for the very reason that we didn't want to spend 1000s on a break and then stress that it wasn't what we hoped.

I would lower expectations and just do it. It will be what it will be, but you won't be paying for therapy in 10 years time.

With your own children, you love them enough that those moments that you cherish shine through. It isn't like that with my DSS. I don't cherish the sight of him having a good time like I do with my own DC so there is no let up from the annoyance and frustration. I just do not have the spare income to justify doing that, and I also need to actually enjoy myself sometimes or I'd go mad.

Tbh I've been quite lucky with my DD, if she was horribly behaved on holiday it would be a long time until we went again. But she isn't, really.

But the point is, OP has found a solution that allows everyone to have a good time without it just being that she, DH and their shared DC go away together leaving DSS behind. That is the best compromise to be hoped for in the circumstances.

RedHelenB · 10/08/2023 10:40

TinaYouFatLard · 08/08/2023 16:24

They are good kids a lot of the time but they cannot be together without it ending up in arguments and squabbles and crying or sulking.

This is pretty standard stuff when you have more than one child.

This.

Karwomannghia · 10/08/2023 10:47

I think that’s absolutely the right thing if you’re not enjoying it. I loved holidays with just my dad and felt like my step mum didn’t like us (I was extremely well behaved but my brother was more of a handful). Ditto I would have loved a holiday with just my mum and not my step dad. Sounds like the best solution.

SemperIdem · 10/08/2023 14:03

crossstitchingnana · 10/08/2023 10:14

This is all so sad. I feel for the children in this. To be honest a lot of my family holidays, with dh and our children, were bloody hard work when they were small. They were not fun, relaxing times but did contain some wonderful moments that we cherish. Holidays are never perfect, especially with little kids and surely the self-esteem of you SCs comes first?

We never went on expensive holidays when the kids were small, for the very reason that we didn't want to spend 1000s on a break and then stress that it wasn't what we hoped.

I would lower expectations and just do it. It will be what it will be, but you won't be paying for therapy in 10 years time.

How does them having a holiday with their dad negatively impact their self esteem?

GoodChat · 10/08/2023 14:29

How does them having a holiday with their dad negatively impact their self esteem?

Do you honestly not think they'll realise their SM doesn't want to spend time with them?

CwmYoy · 10/08/2023 14:37

SemperIdem · 10/08/2023 14:03

How does them having a holiday with their dad negatively impact their self esteem?

Show quote history

I would hope they will be told it's because of their dreadful behaviour. If they learn to behave it won't happen again.

SemperIdem · 10/08/2023 14:40

GoodChat · 10/08/2023 14:29

How does them having a holiday with their dad negatively impact their self esteem?

Do you honestly not think they'll realise their SM doesn't want to spend time with them?

”it’s important you and your dad get to spend 1:1 time together, you’ll have a great time”

Simple, factual, no self esteem damaging trauma.

GoodChat · 10/08/2023 14:46

@SemperIdem and they shouldn't get quality time with their sibling too?

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2023 14:48

GoodChat · 10/08/2023 14:46

@SemperIdem and they shouldn't get quality time with their sibling too?

OP said she'd be happy for him to take all the kids.

amylou8 · 10/08/2023 14:52

Ages of the kids would be helpful. But it is quite normal for siblings to bicker pretty much constantly. I could have (metaphorically) bashed their heads together when mine were younger. Your DH should be correcting them if they are misbehaving, especially if making a scene in public. I'd tell your DH take them away on his own if it's going to stess you out.

SwordToFlamethrower · 10/08/2023 14:59

The problem, as op pointed out, is that he doesn't parent them. He wants to be the Disney dad and never say no to their behaviour when it is bad.

He is letting his children down ultimately. His ex will no doubt get her children back after being with you and have to try and undo all the bad behaviours the dh let them get away with.

The ex will start to become the bad guy and will just cause more problems down the line.

That is the real issue.

pompomdaisy · 10/08/2023 15:04

That's just kids of a certain age. I bet his x just rolls her eyes and says wait till she has two then she will realise. The thing is when they are not your biological kids anyone is less tolerant. It will drive a wedge between you unless you suck it up though. This is one reason I would never make a long term relationship with a bloke with young kids.

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2023 15:08

pompomdaisy · 10/08/2023 15:04

That's just kids of a certain age. I bet his x just rolls her eyes and says wait till she has two then she will realise. The thing is when they are not your biological kids anyone is less tolerant. It will drive a wedge between you unless you suck it up though. This is one reason I would never make a long term relationship with a bloke with young kids.

It can also drive a wedge between them if she is forced to suck things up when it could be avoided. It's not all on the step parent to compromise.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 10/08/2023 15:14

overitunderit · 10/08/2023 06:54

Yes you are being awful, sorry.

No, it's the step kids who are awful and dad is a wimp.

OP, Leave them to it until they can behave. Don't martyr yourself or make your own life miserable, it won't make a damn of difference to the bratty kids.

BHRK · 10/08/2023 15:16

YABU. I am on holiday with my kids at the moment and there is loads of arguing and annoying behaviour. That’s children.
why on earth did you get together with a man with children if you’re not willing to put up with children?
when your child is older you will see they are moody and argumentative as they go through all the stages. This is standard behaviour. I don’t think you should get to just ditch them because they are step children

saffronsoup · 10/08/2023 15:17

Other people's kids rarely seem well behaved or well parented. Of all our friends and our kids friends, I would say two families have well behaved kids who seem to not act out like most kids do. In one case, the two kids are six years apart and have quiet, gentle personalities and in the other case, the parents run a military style authoritarian home where the kids mostly just follow orders.

In every other family I know the kids bicker and whine and get upset and fight and argue and complain and say it isn't fair or tantrum or get fussy or picky or want attention etc.

LIkely OPs DHs kids are just completely normal kids that act like kids. Similar to if I was a fly on the wall in the homes of the people on here who apparently are great parents and whose kids never act the way the two do here - would I really not see anything but stellar well behaved children? Even Ops DC - always well behaved. Connecting poor parenting to typical child behaviour is a high rode to take!

We just went on a vacation with our two (tweens) and a family with an only child (5). Their kid constantly wanted attention, was a picky eater, only wanted to play and do what she wanted to do, had a couple meltdowns. Honestly, I didn't enjoy her company really but I don't think her parents are bad parents - she is just a kid acting like a kid. And while mine eat most things, are flexible in what they play, don't need constant attention, and aren't big criers, they do bicker and push each other's buttons and ask for things and tell annoying jokes and complain life isn't fair and argue and stomp off at times. Our friends probably didn't really enjoy our kids! You can think we are just the world's worst parents but like I said - having been around many families, that is just normal kid behaviour.

Many families with kids don't find vacations to be amazing times free of normal kid behaviour. However when its your own kids, it doesn't annoy you as much and you tolerate it.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/08/2023 16:02

Stepmother bashing for the sake of it by posters who are no longer with their kids’ fathers is sooooooooooo boring.

Devilinthedeet · 10/08/2023 16:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Louoby · 10/08/2023 19:20

@Devilinthedeet we have had argument after argument about me disciplining his children and pulling them up on things. Apparently it makes them not want to come if we are hard on them at our house. I have tried and tried but unfortunately I think their mum does everything for them and that's what they are used too 🤷🏻‍♀️

SlicedPickles · 11/08/2023 06:40

If Dad refuses to effectively parent then why should you suffer the consequences? I don’t holiday with my DSS. I did for many years but it became unsustainable. Annual leave is precious I’m not wasting it absolutely miserable.

Everhopefulitwillbeok · 11/08/2023 06:51

Blended families rarely work unless there is a strong parent, often the dad.

I say this from experience

CornishGem1975 · 11/08/2023 06:55

BHRK · 10/08/2023 15:16

YABU. I am on holiday with my kids at the moment and there is loads of arguing and annoying behaviour. That’s children.
why on earth did you get together with a man with children if you’re not willing to put up with children?
when your child is older you will see they are moody and argumentative as they go through all the stages. This is standard behaviour. I don’t think you should get to just ditch them because they are step children

It's a completely different situation. Dealing with your own kids is not the same as dealing with somebody else's.