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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I've told DH the truth that I don't want to holiday with his kids

94 replies

Holiboo · 08/08/2023 14:35

Am I just awful?

I have two stepchildren and one child of my own with my husband.

I have felt for a while that my stepchildren's behaviour when we are out and about is not acceptable. Whenever we go anywhere, for a meal, out for the day as a family, the few times we've been away for a couple of days for example, their behaviour is nothing short of embarrassing. They cannot go anywhere without arguing constantly, throwing tantrums. I have taken a huge step back from being involved in going anywhere all together because I hate it, it ruins the whole day or evening and I am sick of it. They are rarely pulled up, rarely told no and are just, in my honest opinion given everything they want. My husband struggles with the age old Dad guilt of not wanting to be the bad guy or the bad parent who they won't want to visit anymore and so rarely deals with these issues effectively wanting to act more like a friend than a parent in my opinion.

They are good kids a lot of the time but they cannot be together without it ending up in arguments and squabbles and crying or sulking.

Anyway, DH has been going on for some time about wanting to do a first family holiday abroad and I have admitted to him that I don't want to. I just don't have any desire to go away all together, spend thousands and just be pissed off and irritated the whole time. He is welcome to take the children himself or with his family for example and I think I'll probably do the same with our DC and my family at some point but I do not have any desire to go all together and its because of their behaviour and, more importantly, his inability to manage it.

He is now pissed at me and thinks I'm being unreasonable and mean. He does not take any negative comments about DSC well at all, which is another issue.

I will add that I don't think he's a bad Dad but I do think, and have for a while, that there can be a bit of competing going on between him and his ex with who lets them get away with the most or disciplines them the least if that makes sense and he is terrified that if he steps up and actually parents when these things happen that they will just stop wanting to see him. I can sympathise that it must be very hard and worrying being separated from your co parent but I honestly just can't be bothered with it anymore.

I have long let go of the idea of a lovely family holiday and would prefer me and DH to take DC separately (i.e. him with older DCs and ours or a mix of whatever and me with our child and then perhaps just me and DH alone if we can sometimes).

Am I terrible?

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 10/08/2023 06:53

I think you've made the correct choice. He sounds useless. I bet he has no issue disciplining the child you share together.

overitunderit · 10/08/2023 06:54

Yes you are being awful, sorry.

CornishGem1975 · 10/08/2023 06:57

Nope. I won't go abroad with my DH and SC either. I will suck up a holiday in the UK but that's the most I'll do.

CornishGem1975 · 10/08/2023 06:59

TinaYouFatLard · 08/08/2023 16:24

They are good kids a lot of the time but they cannot be together without it ending up in arguments and squabbles and crying or sulking.

This is pretty standard stuff when you have more than one child.

No, it doesn't have to be the way. It comes down to parenting, I'm probably less tolerant of it with my SC because I've already been through it all with my own DC and they never acted like this, because I nipped it in the bud.

Crowfinch · 10/08/2023 07:21

I've got a friend in a similar situation. He's been with his girlfriend a few years. Don't live together though. They have tried a holiday together, with all the kids, but it didn't work. Mainly due to differences in parenting styles. He has now decided to take his kids away alone. It has not gone down well.

Chunkychips23 · 10/08/2023 07:31

I wouldn’t go on holiday with my step children either. We’ve done the odd overnight and weekend UK break, but I wouldn’t go abroad with them. The two youngest are very entitled and nothing would be good enough. It’s painful to watch my DP trying to appease them, whilst they throw it back in his face. Their Mum is from a wealthy family so holidays with her are to 5 star Caribbean destinations, whilst my DP can afford renting a family friends villa in Spain. They vocalise how crap they think it is compared to what Mum does. I’d rather not be there for that. DP has no issue that I don’t want to holiday with them.

Louoby · 10/08/2023 07:38

Completely understand. My step children aren't disciplined and get away with anything. It grates on me. I'm not hard on our children but I think children need to learn manners and respect people. He doesn't pull his kids up on thank yous or please. It's a big thing for me as manners cost nothing.
He lets his pre teens walk away from table leaving all their dishes without even helping sort out or scrape their plates. Our children together will help tidy up etc, and his walk away. I couldn't do a week away with them. They stay 1 night a week and that's plenty of time together in my opinion 😂

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/08/2023 07:42

The crux of the matter is you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do OP

hattie43 · 10/08/2023 07:47

Not terrible at all . Holidays are precious and a time to de stress and the last thing you want is badly behaved children and I'm sure the others in your hotel would prefer you kept them at home aswell .
Personally I'd never get involved with a man with dependent children , it rarely seems a happy arrangement.

Tiqtaq · 10/08/2023 07:55

I expect the SC will be happy to have their dad to themselves so don't feel bad.

caringcarer · 10/08/2023 08:13

MeridianB · 08/08/2023 14:41

So an ongoing problem that he's refused to tackle has come to head with the duration and cost involved for a holiday. Far better that you are honest now than waste that time off and money being stressed.

If he feels really strongly about it then he can take his two away. I bet he won't ever do this because he wouldn't be able to dump most of the parenting on you.

And its interesting that he thinks you're mean for opting out, while completely missing the point that by opting out of being a parent for years, he's caused the issue!

These are exactly my thoughts too. You are not saying they can't go on holiday together, just you don't want embarrassment of being with them. Can't he see your child doesn't argue and cause issues all the time and is told no sometimes?

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/08/2023 08:17

Wow, I didn't realise I should feel so grateful that my dp has not only just spent a week abroad with me and my dc but also paid more than half of it. My dc are teens but still squabble and strop sometimes and as frustrating as it was for him sometimes, it also was for me but that's just what kids (of all ages) sometimes do. I dread to think what my parents put up with sometimes looking back.

A good friend of mine got together with and had a child with a man who already had 2 young children and those 2 children can be little monsters (I have witnessed on many occasions), yet they never go away without all 3 children. She accepted that he already had 2 children when they got together and decided to have another so they come as a package. They are also her dc's siblings.

Devilinthedeet · 10/08/2023 08:19

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Hibiscrubbed · 10/08/2023 08:19

Louoby · 10/08/2023 07:38

Completely understand. My step children aren't disciplined and get away with anything. It grates on me. I'm not hard on our children but I think children need to learn manners and respect people. He doesn't pull his kids up on thank yous or please. It's a big thing for me as manners cost nothing.
He lets his pre teens walk away from table leaving all their dishes without even helping sort out or scrape their plates. Our children together will help tidy up etc, and his walk away. I couldn't do a week away with them. They stay 1 night a week and that's plenty of time together in my opinion 😂

How can he stand there and accept shit behaviour from the older ones, and watch the younger ones try to pull their weight? Doesn’t he see the difference? Men who treat their children so differently are the weakest of the weak.

GoodChat · 10/08/2023 08:21

I don't think it's fair on the older children to miss out on a holiday with their half sibling or the younger children to miss out on a holiday with their dad and siblings.

Ohpleeeease · 10/08/2023 08:22

This is so interesting. On another thread the OP has been getting a roasting because she doesn’t want to include her badly behaved DSC in a family outing to a theme park with her own parents and sister, and DC. Apparently she is wicked for not wanting them to disrupt her rare opportunity to spend time with her own family, and her parents should be perfectly happy having two kids along to whom they are entirely unrelated, so as not to hurt their feelings.

OnlineExxxcitement · 10/08/2023 08:26

I think the question is why they are so badly behaved. As this is not just about the holiday. Or perhaps you have too high standards? Hard to know.

Also really silly to have a kid with him if you can't get on/put effort in with his kids. Now they're going to grow up with a woman who doesn't like them and your DC are going to be the golden child.

Russooooo · 10/08/2023 08:27

As ever, you have a husband problem…

Devilinthedeet · 10/08/2023 08:30

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NewDogOwner · 10/08/2023 08:38

He is a bad. He isn't parenting his children.

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 08:56

Honestly this is a dh problem if their behaviour is so bad then he needs to parent them properly however if my partner made me choose between my children and them. They would be out of the door. On that basis you are being unreasonable

FairAcre · 10/08/2023 09:05

Why do people get involved with/have affairs with people who already have children and them spend the whole time moaning about the kids. What did they expect? They decided to embark on a blended family and should be doing everything in their power to make it work. Too many selfish people out there and it’s the kids who suffer. They are usually difficult for a reason - because their parents aren’t together any more and their worlds have been turned upside down.

THisbackwithavengeance · 10/08/2023 09:05

Questions:

If his parenting is that bad, why did you have DCs with him?

Are you happy to effectively run 2 separate families with you refusing to do stuff with his DCs and the potential implications on that on your marriage? If my DH said he hated my DCs which is what your action implies, we'd be finished.

Are you sure the DCs are that bad? I was a perfect parent when I had no DCs and later on the parent of 1 baby DC. I used to judge older naughty DCs and think mine won't be like that. Guess what? They were like that! Older children do bicker, they are sometimes annoying and whiny, they do make noise, they are often anti social. TBH anyone who suggests otherwise is lying, very, very lucky or has the MN medal for perfect parenting.

Think long and hard before you act.

Smoky1107 · 10/08/2023 09:12

I understand, I've put it off for years now, I managed a four night break last year but this year we are doing a week. It doesn't fill me with joy but there you go! Given the ages of all our children it'll likely be the last we ever do so I'm going through the motions!

MidCent · 10/08/2023 09:39

I'm with you OP but in my case it's my DS who causes the strife at my ex-es house and with his SM and children. SM has taken their kids abroad on holiday without my son, who is horrible to everyone in that house and I don't blame her in the slightest!
I think DS knows why this has happened, must do, deep down, but this obviously made his self-esteem worse.
He and I have had a holiday this year in an amazing part of Europe and he was a total nightmare to me and all around us.

What is the same is that his Dad used to tell him he was his best friend. Now that the younger kids who seem to be quite well behaved have come along they are now his best friends and he the pariah. I have a gripe also with parents telling their kids they're friends as opposed to being a parent that loves them very much. Dad also draws no boundaries so I imagine how much grief that must cause in their family home