I've told DH the truth that I don't want to holiday with his kids

[Holiboo]

Am I just awful?

I have two stepchildren and one child of my own with my husband.

I have felt for a while that my stepchildren's behaviour when we are out and about is not acceptable. Whenever we go anywhere, for a meal, out for the day as a family, the few times we've been away for a couple of days for example, their behaviour is nothing short of embarrassing. They cannot go anywhere without arguing constantly, throwing tantrums. I have taken a huge step back from being involved in going anywhere all together because I hate it, it ruins the whole day or evening and I am sick of it. They are rarely pulled up, rarely told no and are just, in my honest opinion given everything they want. My husband struggles with the age old Dad guilt of not wanting to be the bad guy or the bad parent who they won't want to visit anymore and so rarely deals with these issues effectively wanting to act more like a friend than a parent in my opinion.

They are good kids a lot of the time but they cannot be together without it ending up in arguments and squabbles and crying or sulking.

Anyway, DH has been going on for some time about wanting to do a first family holiday abroad and I have admitted to him that I don't want to. I just don't have any desire to go away all together, spend thousands and just be pissed off and irritated the whole time. He is welcome to take the children himself or with his family for example and I think I'll probably do the same with our DC and my family at some point but I do not have any desire to go all together and its because of their behaviour and, more importantly, his inability to manage it.

He is now pissed at me and thinks I'm being unreasonable and mean. He does not take any negative comments about DSC well at all, which is another issue.

I will add that I don't think he's a bad Dad but I do think, and have for a while, that there can be a bit of competing going on between him and his ex with who lets them get away with the most or disciplines them the least if that makes sense and he is terrified that if he steps up and actually parents when these things happen that they will just stop wanting to see him. I can sympathise that it must be very hard and worrying being separated from your co parent but I honestly just can't be bothered with it anymore.

I have long let go of the idea of a lovely family holiday and would prefer me and DH to take DC separately (i.e. him with older DCs and ours or a mix of whatever and me with our child and then perhaps just me and DH alone if we can sometimes).

Am I terrible?

Excellent solution.

He gets valuable 1 on 1 with his children and you get the same with your child.

Absolutely no point in putting yourself through the stress of watching him poorly parent.

@crossstitchingnana

oh give over ! No child needed therapy cos they didn’t get to go on holiday with their stepmum!

Don’t see how anyone could argue against this

It might be 'pretty standard' in your world but I think many would agree that for several reasons it's not behaviour to just accept or not at least attempt to control and/or change! 🙄 It's not a mentally healthy situation for any of the children and certainly not a good example for the younger one! The DH needs to step up, take the criticism in the spirit it was given and behave like a grown up!! 😏

OP put her options -
she goes on holiday with their joint DC
he goes on holiday with his elder DC
She and DP go on holiday with their joint DC

What she is not prepared for is for her DP to go on holiday with all his DCS - that is unreasonable.

Zombie thread which has arisen from the dead!

Having said that, it would be nice if OP @Holiboo came back with an update.

What you have described is a very common issue when it comes to DSC and blended family's, I'm sorry to say one you should have thought about before having children with him, alot of people would have walked away as this would have been a deal breaker, unfortunately they're isn't much you can do, you will have to accept his children going on holiday with you otherwise you will be seen as the horrible one even though you are perfectly right, no one really wants to go on holiday with other people's kids,thay wouldn't be what I call a holiday.

This. Good for you for speaking up.

I think your doing the right thing

It’s fair. But I would come back and modify it with ‘I would actually love to go on holiday with all of us, but only if all 3 children are being effectively parented. I can’t do that with your kids when you don’t set the example, and it’s only a few years till our child works out that they are treated very differently. Do you think we should place mark a holiday next year to work towards or is that too soon for you to make these changes in your parenting? You could consider some kind of family counselling support or parenting advice if you think that would help.’
id be trying to make sure it was clearly left as I’m happy to, it’s him holding us back, and it’s not the kids, it’s him and his parenting. The responsibility sits on one pair of shoulders here and it’s not you and not the kids.

That is just wishful thinking

OP yanbu and i'd do the same in your position. No way would i waste money on a holiday i know im going to be miserable on! I think theres nothing wrong with him stepping up as a dad, maintaining his own rekationship with his kids and holidaying with them. I think it would actually send a great message that they are special to him and worthy of his time and money, not just a tagalong to his new family.

I totally get this and I feel really sorry for all of you! It's a really difficult situation. We have similar with family members - I won't do certain things with them now because I find the kids behaviour unacceptable and don't enjoy it/feel really embarrassed. The thing I find works best is child-focussed stuff like soft plays, swimming, go ape, etc. I wonder if you could compromise on a shorter break where you do some separate activities (pp suggestion of centre parcs sounded good). See how you get on and think about the kind of hol your dh wants next year once youve seen how this one goes! For what it's worth I think you've done the right thing making your feelings clear and I think you're right not to commit to a holiday you'll not enjoy at all.

Hell I don't even holiday with some of my own dc !

This is difficult if you can no longer support him in his parenting and act as a blended family and go on holiday together. I can’t say if you’re unreasonable as your husband has a different view, so I’m not going to take yours as the only truth, simply your opinion of your step children and your husband.

I do know these kids are having a tough time, parents potentially struggling and a step parent who “can’t be bothered” so I have empathy for the kids. No child enjoys playing up or tantruming, unless a toddler there is always a reason.