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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex and son

611 replies

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 08:23

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

OP posts:
TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 20/07/2023 07:47

Neverinamonthofsundays · 20/07/2023 07:15

The court will take into account what is best for the child and unless his father is abusive there is no reason he will not get 50/50 but if you go into a courtroom with the attitude you have on here I would be shocked if your ex didn't get more time than that again as you sound so far removed from the reality of what is best for your child.

This is exactly what I can see happening.

And OP you're still there, can't be told you're wrong, bleating on about how your twisted and selfish motives are "for your son". 200 people on this thread can see exactly what you're about. You think a judge with years of experience isn't going to have your number in 30 seconds?

I can see them granting him more than 50/50 should he ask.

Then you'll have to pay him maintenance.

And going by this thread, it couldn't happen to a nicer person, and will hopefully stop the damage you've done to your own child already.

Original poster
Hatsof · 20/07/2023 07:56

ChiPawPrint · 20/07/2023 00:25

@Hatsof In what ways do you feel it is bad for his routine? That could potentially be used as an argument but I think it would be a weak one, especially if dad can get him to school etc with no issues.

Why doesn't he want to go on weekdays?

The no attention reason, that won't even be considered by the court I'm afraid.

its better for him if he’s with me week days and dad weekends that’s my feelings on it

OP posts:
Neverinamonthofsundays · 20/07/2023 07:59

YOu mean it is better for you. You are a very selfish parent.

ChiPawPrint · 20/07/2023 08:01

@Hatsof Would you be willing to meet in the middle with him?

Also I would imagine your son will want to spend some weekend time with you too.

aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2023 08:01

In your earlier post you said that your son has not told you he doesn't get enough attention there, "it's just obvious because there are other kids there".

YOU told him he should expect it to be just him, so if he does expect that it's down to you, and I presume that was the context in which he told you the "other child" is always there (like they are in most families).

You have not given the impression your son genuinely has strong feelings about any of this, just what YOU have projected on to him.

But if he genuinely does say he does not want to go, the courts will be unlikely to give him a casting vote until he is a teenager.

Honeychickpea · 20/07/2023 08:01

Hatsof · 20/07/2023 07:56

its better for him if he’s with me week days and dad weekends that’s my feelings on it

Show quote history

Newsflash: the court won't care about your feelings on it.

Wenfy · 20/07/2023 08:10

The court will take what is best for your child. Sharing a room with 2 other kids, child being unhappy about staying at Dad’s will all be considered. Make sure they know how your son feels. At 7 his opinions will carry weight.

I also suggest using this to negotiate childcare so you can work longer hours. He should be paying or doing 50% of the childcare just like he’s doing with the baby so his new woman can work. If he’s not doing the same for you force it at court.

Frankola · 20/07/2023 08:11

@hatsof you said previously your son isn't bothered about going to his dad's and that when you tell him he isn't going on his 'set days' he doesn't care.

Then you say your son only wants to go to his dad's on weekends.

Your story is coming apart....

By the way 'your feelings' that it's better for your son to be with you on weekdays and dad on the weekend matter not one bit. This is meant to be about your son.

Starlightstarbright2 · 20/07/2023 08:13

He already at his Dad’s I am presumably 2 nights a week You are happy with that . So no reason why they would consider more if ex asked ..

A 7 year old might be listened to but even if you coached your child to say he doesn’t want to - you haven’t convinced most on this thread you have any valid reasons so good luck with Cafcass who happily give contact to abusive parents.. At 7 they aren’t considered to be able to understand the consequences so I don’t want to won’t hold any relevance .

deepspace9 · 20/07/2023 08:13

I've been through a divorce and had my ex move in with someone quickly. Introduced our daughter to her without telling me etc. it's really tough. I do get that. BUT I'm so shocked at your attitude with all of this. You simply don't have the right to decide what he does during his access time. Your ex sounds very very reasonable to me tbh. Yes your son might be feeling left out but it's probably because he's just used to being the only child when with you.

You really really need to stop and start putting your son first before it's too late . I can guarantee that you'll be the one losing out in the end if you keep battling a fight that just isn't there. Im really struggling to understand why you think you have the right to dictate so much.

Doyoumind · 20/07/2023 08:13

Wenfy · 20/07/2023 08:10

The court will take what is best for your child. Sharing a room with 2 other kids, child being unhappy about staying at Dad’s will all be considered. Make sure they know how your son feels. At 7 his opinions will carry weight.

I also suggest using this to negotiate childcare so you can work longer hours. He should be paying or doing 50% of the childcare just like he’s doing with the baby so his new woman can work. If he’s not doing the same for you force it at court.

How to demonstrate you know absolutely nothing about the subject.

deepspace9 · 20/07/2023 08:17

Wenfy · 20/07/2023 08:10

The court will take what is best for your child. Sharing a room with 2 other kids, child being unhappy about staying at Dad’s will all be considered. Make sure they know how your son feels. At 7 his opinions will carry weight.

I also suggest using this to negotiate childcare so you can work longer hours. He should be paying or doing 50% of the childcare just like he’s doing with the baby so his new woman can work. If he’s not doing the same for you force it at court.

All of this is simply untrue. This is where things fall apart when people give this sort of advice.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 20/07/2023 08:29

Wow op. Just wow.

Your ex has another child and you want him to still spend one day a week with JUST your ds?

How do you think that would work out if you had gone on to have another dc - there's NO WAY you could have 1:1 time with your oldest child when you have another. Just as it is your choice (yes I know you have had ivf so choice is not really the right word, decision may be better?) not to have any more dc, it has been your ex's choice to have more. Your dc has a half sibling, you and your dc need to get over it.

Your ex can make any decisions he likes without consulting you - nothing that you have written suggests to me his choices are having a detrimental effect on your dc beyond what happens in families. You are honestly wasting time, energy and £££ fighting midweek contact too - there simply is no reason for a judge to refuse this other than you don't like it.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 20/07/2023 08:34

Wenfy · 20/07/2023 08:10

The court will take what is best for your child. Sharing a room with 2 other kids, child being unhappy about staying at Dad’s will all be considered. Make sure they know how your son feels. At 7 his opinions will carry weight.

I also suggest using this to negotiate childcare so you can work longer hours. He should be paying or doing 50% of the childcare just like he’s doing with the baby so his new woman can work. If he’s not doing the same for you force it at court.

At 7 my son wanted to be spiderman and not go to school on Tuesdays. His opinion did not carry any weight, nor will OP's son should this go all the way to court. OP's ds has a half sibling and there are other dc in his dad's home. Many many dc share a room with siblings/half siblings/step siblings. It may not be the perfect set-up that op wants but she cannot dictate this, nor coach her son to be so vocal in court, and I would bet my house that the judge will approve 2 nights in the week plus EOW.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/07/2023 08:36

Wenfy · 20/07/2023 08:10

The court will take what is best for your child. Sharing a room with 2 other kids, child being unhappy about staying at Dad’s will all be considered. Make sure they know how your son feels. At 7 his opinions will carry weight.

I also suggest using this to negotiate childcare so you can work longer hours. He should be paying or doing 50% of the childcare just like he’s doing with the baby so his new woman can work. If he’s not doing the same for you force it at court.

This is completely wrong.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 20/07/2023 08:37

Your ex has played this absolutely perfectly and got everything he wanted. He'll get what he wants in court too, and the judge is not going to be impressed with you.

Reugny · 20/07/2023 08:57

Hatsof · 20/07/2023 07:56

its better for him if he’s with me week days and dad weekends that’s my feelings on it

Show quote history

Court doesn't work like that and your son is too young for his feelings to be considered.

If I was you I would accept your ex's routine suggestion. Your aim needs to be to keep it COMPLETELY out of Court.

That way when your child goes to secondary school and wants to change his contact routine with his dad to suit your child, he easily can.

Oh and in regards of him sharing with 2 other boys - some children especially before they hit puberty are happy to share rooms with other children. In your son's case as it is only a couple of nights a week it is a novelty.

You need to change your mindset.

You also need to tell your son that he has the best of both worlds. Siblings at his dad's house and quiet at yours.

Also when you are dead your son will have siblings he shares an upbringing with. You may not think this is important but it is.

Original poster
Hatsof · 20/07/2023 09:26

Frankola · 20/07/2023 08:11

@hatsof you said previously your son isn't bothered about going to his dad's and that when you tell him he isn't going on his 'set days' he doesn't care.

Then you say your son only wants to go to his dad's on weekends.

Your story is coming apart....

By the way 'your feelings' that it's better for your son to be with you on weekdays and dad on the weekend matter not one bit. This is meant to be about your son.

Not really. My son says he would prefer to go there on weekends as he gets a tiny bit of attention where as he does not in the week! But there have been times I’ve stopped him going as I’ve made plans for him doing other things and he’s never bothered at all

OP posts:
AnxiousShep · 20/07/2023 09:30

Hatsof · 20/07/2023 09:26

Not really. My son says he would prefer to go there on weekends as he gets a tiny bit of attention where as he does not in the week! But there have been times I’ve stopped him going as I’ve made plans for him doing other things and he’s never bothered at all

Show quote history

So you plan other things on his dad’s time and stop him going? I can see so clearly why dad wants this to go to court.

aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2023 09:33

But there have been times I’ve stopped him going as I’ve made plans for him doing other things and he’s never bothered at all

Well, first of all, you should not be doing that without asking his dad if it's ok on his time.

But secondly, you're conflating him not objecting with him having a strong, genuine aversion to going to his dad's. He's not going to complain if he's doing something else fun instead, he's a kid. You're projecting you're feelings onto him.

And frankly, kids will complain they're not getting enough attention whenever they're not the centre of it. That doesn't mean that they're genuinely not getting enough and need to be indulged. It isn't a good thing for a child to always be the centre of attention.

Original poster
Hatsof · 20/07/2023 09:38

AnxiousShep · 20/07/2023 09:30

So you plan other things on his dad’s time and stop him going? I can see so clearly why dad wants this to go to court.

Show quote history

Sometimes things just happen on his days! And I do like to have my weekends free but there are times my family are doing something so I take my son along too, so he misses a day with his dad then but like I said my son isn’t bothered. If i ask him which he would rather do he always chooses what I’m doing with him that says something.

OP posts:
Dollyparton3 · 20/07/2023 09:38

Speaking personally as a child who was brutally alienated against one of my parents I suggest you take a step back from this OP and think of your son's future. And I'm not talking 18 when the maintenance runs out and he can make firm decisions for himself.

Think ahead to when he's 40, in my case I was left with one dead parent who I was alienated against and a whole heap of confusion on how I felt towards the other parent who did the alienating.

I now have no contact with the parent who pulled all the strings on this, along with my brother

AnxiousShep · 20/07/2023 09:44

It tells me that he is saying what he thinks you want to hear because he doesn't want to displease you.

Dollyparton3 · 20/07/2023 09:44

"If i ask him which he would rather do he always chooses what I’m doing with him that says something."

That says nothing OP, 1) you shouldn't be asking as time with his dad should take priority and 2) look up loyalty binds in children, you're already putting him in a spot where he shouldn't have to choose

scoobysnaxx · 20/07/2023 09:52

@Wenfy you are so so wrong. In every way.

@AnxiousShep completely agree!!

But there have been times I’ve stopped him going as I’ve made plans for him doing other things and he’s never bothered at all

Are you for real?! You cannot be serious! I hope he takes you to court! They will see straight through you!

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