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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To say turning up when dad isn't here needs to stop

119 replies

Stop8 · 16/07/2023 06:56

My husband works away sometimes and plans this for time when his ex would have typically had DSC (13).

Except since he's gotten older he seems to be more regularly just turning up out of the blue whenever he feels like it and to be honest it's starting to piss me off. Not least of all because I'm always the last one to know what's going on.

For example last night, DH is away until Mon. My toddler is with my parents and I was discussing maybe going staying with a friend for the evening to have wine and a takeaway. And then about 5pm as I'm getting ready SS just walks in says he's been at his friend's house round the corner so he thought he'd come here, he'd tried to ring DH to tell him but he wasn't answering. When I said no sorry I'm going out like now so you'll have to go he then couldn't get hold of mum to come and get him either and I ended up having to do a detour to drop him off and just hope she was in (I don't have any contact with her usually) ending up out later than I wanted to be after faffing around.

No one seems arsed this is happening, not DH, not his ex. And I'm just expected to be fine at never knowing when a teenager might just walk through the door and want tea or want dropping off somewhere and screw my own plans. Even if I'd just wanted to lay around on the sofa ffs.

I want to say to DH now that's it, he's to tell SS he needs to sort lifts/collecting from friends houses etc.. with his mum on her days and not just turn up here when he knows his dad isn't here. Especially if he's not even going to tell me first to check I'm actually free.

OP posts:
orangeleavesinautumn · 16/07/2023 06:58

It is his home too, he can come home whenever he likes, but he can't expect anything from you if you are there. I wouldn't have dropped off, I would just have said go back to your friend

Original poster
Stop8 · 16/07/2023 06:59

It would be better if he even just dropped me a text to say I'm at Xs houses so I can I just stay at yours tonight instead? Then at least I'd have the opportunity to say no I'm out sorry or not. Rather than just randomly turning up whenever he wants and expecting food after we've already eaten or it's in the oven cooking already but not enough, or I'm on my way out etc..

OP posts:
Original poster
Stop8 · 16/07/2023 06:59

orangeleavesinautumn · 16/07/2023 06:58

It is his home too, he can come home whenever he likes, but he can't expect anything from you if you are there. I wouldn't have dropped off, I would just have said go back to your friend

Unless his parents are fine with him being left alone all night then he can't just come whenever he wants.

OP posts:
SpainToday · 16/07/2023 07:01

I know a lot of people will say ‘it’s his home too’ (which is debatable) but he really doesn’t need to be at your house when his father’s not around.

Original poster
Stop8 · 16/07/2023 07:03

I don't get the 'he can't expect anything from you but he can be there whenever he chooses' stuff either.

As if posters wouldn't be up in arms if I refused to make him tea when he turns up or made him walk back to his mums in the dark. He's still a child at the end of the day so he obviously does need something from the adult in the house. Which on those days should be his mum.

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 16/07/2023 07:05

Put some boundaries in NOW.
Yes technically it’s his home too but you are entitled to a life that isn’t inconvenienced by a child that is not yours when it’s parent is not around.

Get some rules of engagement worked out that everyone is happy with and stick to it.

Squidger45 · 16/07/2023 07:05

How come he doesn't call / text you if he can't get hold of DH? Can you go down this route and give yourself a little more control? Improve communications between you and DSS so that the element of surprise (for you both) is taken away?

LobsterCrab · 16/07/2023 07:06

Did you ask him why he didn't text you when he couldn't get hold of his dad?

Original poster
Stop8 · 16/07/2023 07:07

Squidger45 · 16/07/2023 07:05

How come he doesn't call / text you if he can't get hold of DH? Can you go down this route and give yourself a little more control? Improve communications between you and DSS so that the element of surprise (for you both) is taken away?

I've said this before but he just doesn't think. I don't think he always remembers when DH is actually away and when he isn't either sometimes. Which is why I think it's best to just say on mums days you sort it with mum. If DH doesn't answer, don't come here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stop8 · 16/07/2023 07:09

LobsterCrab · 16/07/2023 07:06

Did you ask him why he didn't text you when he couldn't get hold of his dad?

I just get a mumbled dunno or shrug or 'I forgot'.

I think he thinks DH might actually be here sometimes (he doesn't always work away when SS isn't here).

OP posts:
buzzlightyearsgloves · 16/07/2023 07:11

I think this is really sad. Surely it's his dads home so it's his home and he should be able to come and go as he pleases by teenage age. Fair enough if you've got plans and can't facilitate lifts etc. I'd get your DH to have a conversation with him about texting his dad before he comes to see if he's in but not phrasing it in a way where he needs permission.

SD1978 · 16/07/2023 07:12

Agreed that it shouldn't happen without knowing if his dad is there or not. Constantly being unable to make plans in case he comes over would irritate me. The it's his house too argument doesn't hold for me- there is agreed time and whilst other times may be able to work it's not a guarantee- exactly as when he's with you I doubt he's juts wander back to his mums. Also if no one knows where he is- how does that work? I think expecting a message can I come over is more than reasonable.

lemonyellows · 16/07/2023 07:13

My step kids never did this. They might try to come over on a non contact day but they would always contact DH first. I would find it odd too.

smilesup · 16/07/2023 07:13

Are you really out all night? Or just for the evening? I often leave DD13 on her own up to midnight. She will also cook for herself.
I would love my DSS to stop in and see me unexpectedly especially when he was a teen but he never did. I think you should deal with it. He will be able to be left completely overnight in a few years. I think you risk damaging the relationship for a long time if you say he can't come to his house. He might be in your life for the next 60 years (like my dad's stepmum) and it's a very short time.

Original poster
Stop8 · 16/07/2023 07:15

Are you really out all night? Or just for the evening?

Occasionally yes, as I said I was staying at a friend's. And even if i didn't, why should I have to then clock watch all evening because I have a child at home I need to get back to who I didn't know was going to be there when I've arranged childcare for my own child to allow me to go out!

OP posts:
Tontostitis · 16/07/2023 07:15

I had this with my stepson who I loved to bits and it honestly got very wearing. I had a hysterectomy came out of hospital and he turned up the day after and announced mum was going on holiday and he'd decided not to go. I felt like death on a stick and couldn't even get dressed it was awful. But looking back the problem was and tbh still is my husband and his ex. They'd rather fight than parent and their child, my stepson, saw me as the safe calm place he could hide. I did my best. You have my sympathy as there's not much you can do. The turning up not having had dinner when I'd eaten and cleared up is irritating at first and enraging after a while but its very normal teen behaviour.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 16/07/2023 07:16

Would a family calendar work? Maybe even just for your DH and SS? So he’d be able to look up if his Dad was home or not?

Original poster
Stop8 · 16/07/2023 07:17

Carryonkeepinggoing · 16/07/2023 07:16

Would a family calendar work? Maybe even just for your DH and SS? So he’d be able to look up if his Dad was home or not?

I've suggested a calendar before. I'll suggest a phone app one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stop8 · 16/07/2023 07:20

And cooking for himself is a no. He wouldn't know where to start. He's a very young 13 imo.

OP posts:
TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 07:20

Yes, it's his house too...but...he can't be in it alone without one of his parents. So unless the mum and dad are ok with him being left there on his own all day/ overnight, it needs to be if dad's not there, then the house is not available to him.

Just because someone who is not his parent answers the door, this doesn't suddenly mean he can stay. He needs to stay with one of his parents.

You need to set this very straight OP. You'll get all kinds of crap like "oh, but you're not his actual mum though" if you ever try and hold an opinion or discipline him...so it works both ways, you're not his parent, you just happened to open the door at one of his parents houses, and unfortunately said parent isn't there so he needs to go back to the other parent.

Original poster
Stop8 · 16/07/2023 07:25

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 07:20

Yes, it's his house too...but...he can't be in it alone without one of his parents. So unless the mum and dad are ok with him being left there on his own all day/ overnight, it needs to be if dad's not there, then the house is not available to him.

Just because someone who is not his parent answers the door, this doesn't suddenly mean he can stay. He needs to stay with one of his parents.

You need to set this very straight OP. You'll get all kinds of crap like "oh, but you're not his actual mum though" if you ever try and hold an opinion or discipline him...so it works both ways, you're not his parent, you just happened to open the door at one of his parents houses, and unfortunately said parent isn't there so he needs to go back to the other parent.

This is what I think about this argument. It's crazy to me that just because his dad lives here he should just be able to turn up whenever he pleases and be looked after by whoever happens to be there when his dad is away.

Surely it's the same for any child who requires care? It's your home yes but you can't just decide when to turn up if your parents aren't there. My father worked night shifts when I was young, no way I could just decide when or when I wasn't going to his house. If he wasn't there then neither was I until I was older and able to literally do everything for myself and be alone all night.

OP posts:
0021andabit · 16/07/2023 07:26

I think the kindest way to solve this would be for you & especially your DH to be proactively contacting him more, just checking in or saying, “working away - looking forward to seeing you on our days” etc. As kids get older they have their own lives so they do get laxer with sticking to scheduled contact days, contact arrangements for older kids often talk about them choosing with their feet - teenagers have their own busy lives so it’s understandable they want to be at the home that fits best with that. & it’s a really good thing he feels comfortable & happy at yours. If it’s really not convenient for him to be at yours, I think it’s on you to say so in advance before he calls in eg “I know your at your Mum’s tonight but just to let you know I’m out with my friend so no one will be in here” etc

Motheranddaughter · 16/07/2023 07:32

I feel sorry for him to be honest
l can see how irritating it is but from his perspective it is important that he feels welcome in his father’s home

Justbecause19 · 16/07/2023 07:36

I would start texting SS and reminding him. So when your DH is next away if you have made plans I would text to say "just reminding you that your Dad is away today/tonight, I've made plans to go out so no one will be here if you stop by. I will be in tomorrow though from X". It's annoying having to text yes, but I've also had 2 teenage SS and honestly they were awful at remembering/thinking for themselves too.

MadamWhiteleigh · 16/07/2023 07:42

No one has actually asked why he might be doing this. Why would he rather come to yours, without knowing whether dad is there, than go home to mum? Does he like life better at your house?