To say turning up when dad isn't here needs to stop

[Stop8]

My husband works away sometimes and plans this for time when his ex would have typically had DSC (13).

Except since he's gotten older he seems to be more regularly just turning up out of the blue whenever he feels like it and to be honest it's starting to piss me off. Not least of all because I'm always the last one to know what's going on.

For example last night, DH is away until Mon. My toddler is with my parents and I was discussing maybe going staying with a friend for the evening to have wine and a takeaway. And then about 5pm as I'm getting ready SS just walks in says he's been at his friend's house round the corner so he thought he'd come here, he'd tried to ring DH to tell him but he wasn't answering. When I said no sorry I'm going out like now so you'll have to go he then couldn't get hold of mum to come and get him either and I ended up having to do a detour to drop him off and just hope she was in (I don't have any contact with her usually) ending up out later than I wanted to be after faffing around.

No one seems arsed this is happening, not DH, not his ex. And I'm just expected to be fine at never knowing when a teenager might just walk through the door and want tea or want dropping off somewhere and screw my own plans. Even if I'd just wanted to lay around on the sofa ffs.

I want to say to DH now that's it, he's to tell SS he needs to sort lifts/collecting from friends houses etc.. with his mum on her days and not just turn up here when he knows his dad isn't here. Especially if he's not even going to tell me first to check I'm actually free.

Should 13 year olds just turn up at grandparents’ houses as they feel like it - whether they’re in or have plans or whatever - and decide they’re staying the night?

should 13 year olds just be texting their mum ‘I’ve decided I’m going to stay out. See you whenever.’?

If I’m going to ‘poor kids’ anyone, I’d pick the kids who flit around wherever and none of the adults seem all that bothered about actually looking after them or interacting with them.

Because neither of his parents are there.
And op is fed up of it happening and her being the last to know yet having to be the one who is seemingly having to adapt.
All she is asking for is there to be more control over the situation because as it stands the pressure is on her but she has no real say or control.

Well he can’t cook a single thing at 13 so I think we know the answer to this.

1- I think you need each others tel numbers. He needs yours, you need the ex tel number just in case something happens at the very least.
2- politeness is expected at all time. I’m pretty sure he’d ask his mum if she was ok to take to his dad/friend. He should do the same with you.
3- whether he should tell you he is coming to your house beforehand is something you need to decide with his dad
4- you need to get use to say NO to him. If he can go to his friend, who lives close to you, then he can go back home on his own. It shouldn’t be a reason for friction. But just a statement - I’m going out and meeting up with a friend so I can’t take you back home. At what time is the next bus?
5- same with him staying at home on his own. That’s an agreement between your DH and his ex. Until when, overnight etc…. But I would expect a 13yo to have house keys and to be able to leave him on his own for a while.

I don't think he always remembers when DH is actually away and when he isn't either sometimes.

Shared google calendar! Then everyone’s knows where they stand. Him included. (And it must be unsettling fir him too to never know if his dad is around or not!)

So you didn’t read the op’s posts where she said about the kid ringing the father and not getting an answer but not contacting op who was at home but going out.

If my adult kids came over unannounced (and I do have some) then in this situation the answer would be ‘I’m going out, you’re welcome to stay but I won’t be here’.
the difference is they’re adults and they can also cook. They wouldn’t ever turn up just like that though, they would contact me first so I knew how much food to have in.

I think both parents are letting him down here. No way did I let DS waltz off at 13 without being clear where he was, where he was staying (if overnight) and what the travel arrangements were.

The dad should have replied but I find it hard to understand how the mum could let him go without knowing that his dad (or anyone) was in the house? 13 is far too young to stay overnight. And even of an evening I wouldn't have left DS until midnight as some posters were suggesting at 13!

Op is not BU. Agree a calendar app is probably the way to go so DSS can see where his dad is.

Teens have zero capacity to remember stuff like this.
Do you have a shared calendar ? You can set this up easily in Google and have a calendar that DH puts his trips on and the days that DSS is at his mums etc. Give access to DH, you, ex and DSS so everyone is clear when DH is away and then there's no confusion.
Then if he wants to come over and DH away he is to text or call and there's no issue with not knowing.

You see, I don’t think the dss had any intention to stay overnight.

I think he wanted a lift back because he couldn’t be bothered to walk home. He probably knew his mum would say NO. But dad would say YES (or offer a meal and a drive back because it’s late). And that if dad isn’t here, them OP would do the driving instead.
The ‘it’s polite to contact people before you turn up’ hasn’t sunk in yet. Maybe because no one has ever told him.

There is a need for boundaries and teaching/encouraging him to grow up tbh.
That includes him walking back home even when he can’t be bothered!

This has really made me laugh.

OP if you don't drop your plans and let a 13yr old who's actual parents can't be arsed to parent him walk all over you, then clearly you hate children.

Hi there, first wives club

I was a stepchild. I have an exceptionally close relationship with my stepmother, who in all honesty did far more parenting than my dad ever did. I fully understand the challenges faced by stepchildren.

I still don’t think it’s ok for a stepchild to rock up on a non- contact day and expect their step-parent to drop plans at the last minute, simply because the stepchild couldn’t be arsed to walk to their mother’s house on a day when they were scheduled to be with their mother.

If the parents want the child to have the freedom to come and go as he pleases between homes, then they both need jobs which allow them to be available to parent every day.

Seems like a reasonable hypothesis. A kid taking a cheeky punt at getting a ride home.

He left his friends house and couldn't get hold of his parents on the phone and knocked at his dad's house. I don't think he did anything wrong, even if it was inconvenient for you

It is his house too.
I can’t imagine his mum or step dad ever turning him away from his own home.

But your life cannot stop because he’s decided to come over.

I would make it clear to him, his dad and his mum that it is of course his house and can come around when we he wants but you usually have plans when DH is away and it means SS being left alone all night.

And if they’re not happy with that then they need to make it clear to their DS that if it’s unexpected then he needs to get hold of you first.

I think this example is ok though.

I’d rather he come home and then I take him back to his mums or something, than walk around in the dark or stay in a situation he was uncomfortable with because he was worried about me saying no.

In the future I would have gone out as planned but texted the mum saying he’s at yours and can she pick him up.
He would be fine being left for a couple of hours.

I agree.

I would want my DD to have the common sense to do this.

Obviously the mum doesn’t live that close which is why it made OP late and I’d rather her dad drop her back home than make her walk.

Not all places are safe to walk home for teens and I’d worry about my DD walking long distances when she was only 13.

I do actually feel sorry for the kid on this one.

I feel sorry for him because his parents aren’t being clear with him about when he can and can’t turn up. His dad should have a conversation with him before he goes away that when he’s away he should stay at his mum’s or check with you to see if you’re in and not busy. But instead he’s just turning up and ends up coming at the wrong time, therefore being an inconvenience when he’s probably not thinking he is. And that again comes back to the parents. It’s their fault. They’re not setting boundaries with him and you’re understandably becoming frustrated at him when he’s not really doing anything wrong in his mind.

But I get it. In your shoes I’d be annoyed too. Trying to get on with your day and making plans when DSS won’t be there and then he turns up. His dad should tell him to either ring you to check or just not go up if he’s unsure.

I wouldn't even want my own son just rocking up whenever! Regardless whether I'm staying in or not. Nothing wrong with wanting to have some home&alone time.
A text/quick phone call ahead is the least I would expect.

Plus, it's best to curb that sort of behaviour before it becomes an awful habit.
I lived with a partner with two adult sons who came and went as they pleased.
I still remember the discomfort of being in my pyjamas & wanting a cuppa on a night but not wanting it enough to enter the kitchen where a bunch of young drunk, loud lads had stopped by with SS. Stopped by to raid the fridge I might add.

Or a washing machine full of pants festering away after a wash. It would be so wrong of me to sort through a random man's underwear... So I waited a day and a half to do mine - until SS delighted the house with his presence again.

So should OP’s DCs just turn up at DSS’s mother’s house without warning when their father isn’t there? By your logic that’s their home too if exH lives there 🙄

You need to box clever this is coming from a SM with over 10 years experience with teens!!! You also need to change your mindset and but yourself in their shoes. You have to remember he is not a child now, but a young person amd you can support him with this transition and difficulties of having two homes.

Make sure he has your number. Say 'anything you need, I am always here. Give me a shout if you are around, always nice to see you, then I can let you know if one of us is in.' He feels welcomed, you take control of the logistics.

I leave my son who is a similar age for short periods. Give him a key and talk to him about the responsibility of a key. If you do this make sure you can monitor the door with a camera/ ring. If I am a bit late ho.e from work, I tell him I'll be x mins, see you soon, call me if you need me.

Make sure you have frozen oven food he can make himself/ make sure he can make basic snacks etc safely. My son now tends to make his own dinner if I have to work on till 6ish (wfh days).

All of these things mean you step out of the way you are feeling. They feel genuinely wanted, more independent and trusted over time. I promise you, you'll have a better relationship. Kids at this age needs lots of trusted adults in their lives to model good behaviour and help them feel secure. It's bloody tough at times. We've had some real humdingers in this house. You should be encouraged he wants to spend time at the house. Neither of you are being run ragged looking after a needy toddler.

@Motheranddaughter

so you'd be ok with him being at home hungry (potentially trying to cook, hurting himself/causing a fire) & alone overnight?

if so, that's really weird. What age can this start? 7/8/9??

@Dogstar78

You have to remember he is not a child now, but a young person amd you can support him with this transition and difficulties of having two homes

he's 12, he is a CHILD

If his mums is in walking distance then why didn't you just say 'I'm sorry but your dads not home and I'm going out so you'll have to walk to your mums'.

I don't understand the issue at all.
What would he have done if he'd come round and no one was home?

It seemed that OP should make herself available 24/7 in case DSS decides to turn up?
Ridiculous.