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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To say turning up when dad isn't here needs to stop

119 replies

Stop8 · 16/07/2023 06:56

My husband works away sometimes and plans this for time when his ex would have typically had DSC (13).

Except since he's gotten older he seems to be more regularly just turning up out of the blue whenever he feels like it and to be honest it's starting to piss me off. Not least of all because I'm always the last one to know what's going on.

For example last night, DH is away until Mon. My toddler is with my parents and I was discussing maybe going staying with a friend for the evening to have wine and a takeaway. And then about 5pm as I'm getting ready SS just walks in says he's been at his friend's house round the corner so he thought he'd come here, he'd tried to ring DH to tell him but he wasn't answering. When I said no sorry I'm going out like now so you'll have to go he then couldn't get hold of mum to come and get him either and I ended up having to do a detour to drop him off and just hope she was in (I don't have any contact with her usually) ending up out later than I wanted to be after faffing around.

No one seems arsed this is happening, not DH, not his ex. And I'm just expected to be fine at never knowing when a teenager might just walk through the door and want tea or want dropping off somewhere and screw my own plans. Even if I'd just wanted to lay around on the sofa ffs.

I want to say to DH now that's it, he's to tell SS he needs to sort lifts/collecting from friends houses etc.. with his mum on her days and not just turn up here when he knows his dad isn't here. Especially if he's not even going to tell me first to check I'm actually free.

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 16/07/2023 07:44

Justbecause19 · 16/07/2023 07:36

I would start texting SS and reminding him. So when your DH is next away if you have made plans I would text to say "just reminding you that your Dad is away today/tonight, I've made plans to go out so no one will be here if you stop by. I will be in tomorrow though from X". It's annoying having to text yes, but I've also had 2 teenage SS and honestly they were awful at remembering/thinking for themselves too.

I'd make his dad do this. It's not on the OP to have to manage a child who isn't hers.

Original poster
Stop8 · 16/07/2023 07:47

MadamWhiteleigh · 16/07/2023 07:42

No one has actually asked why he might be doing this. Why would he rather come to yours, without knowing whether dad is there, than go home to mum? Does he like life better at your house?

It's because some of his friends live closer to ours and he can't be bothered walking to his mums from theirs. Nothing sinister.

OP posts:
Justbecause19 · 16/07/2023 07:48

@Floofydawg no I agree it's not up to the OP. But the reality is it's impacting her free time/plans so nothing wrong with her being assertive in order to protect that. As I said I have had 2 SS myself so well aware of the challenges.

PuppyMonkey · 16/07/2023 07:51

Well, he might have learned his lesson better if you’d said you were going out so he’d have to go back to the friend or walk home. What would he have done if you’d not been in?

billy1966 · 16/07/2023 07:52

Your husband needs to sort this out.

It is not your responsibility to care for his child whenever he wants to turn up.

It appears you haven't been crystal clear to your husband on this point.

It is his home only when your husband is there.

You need to spell this out to your husband.

Your SS needs to know exactly when your husband is available to him via an app or weekly text.

barlie · 16/07/2023 07:57

It would be kind just to emphasise this through an agreement that he texts first 'in case you have arranged a 'women's only get together at home' or some other kind excuse you can manufacture. I have this with my DS and we have that arrangement (I recognise it's my own son though so a slightly different dynamic perhaps.) But I have a Chubb lock that I use on the front door if I am away, so that neither he (or worse his father accompanying him) can get into my house with his Yale key if I am away for the night. That way I don't potentially also have a teen staying in my house without my knowledge if I'm away. I have a Chubb key lock box at the porch in case there is a major crisis with list clothes and then my neighbour can go to locate them. Could you do something like this if you are away? Or have a bolt that goes across for the inside and go out through a. Back door in those circumstances? The rule is if I'm away I don't want kids unsupervised in the house - and it is their house absolutely but in the future I wouldn't want teenage parties or DD with a girlfriend when I am not there...

itsgettingweird · 16/07/2023 08:16

I can see why that irritated you.

It would irritate anyone one of us when our bio kids suddenly expect a change of plan - which teens often do as they haven't yet developed an adult brain.

However ..... he's 13. Very soon he will be able to stay home alone for evenings and nights. I'd not want to put new boundaries in place now that can be relaxed 12-18 months down the line because of the potential to harm his feelings with boundaries.

I'd just weather the storm and do as you did last night.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 16/07/2023 08:24

Wow. I can’t believe what I’m reading. A 13 year old boy isn’t welcome in his Father’s home. Teenagers don’t typically pre-plan their days, they get an idea and go with it. It’s healthy that he has friends and the independence to meet with them. 13 is old enough to be left alone in the house for several hours. I’d install a lock box and make sure he can access easy to cook food.

Floofydawg · 16/07/2023 08:27

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 16/07/2023 08:24

Wow. I can’t believe what I’m reading. A 13 year old boy isn’t welcome in his Father’s home. Teenagers don’t typically pre-plan their days, they get an idea and go with it. It’s healthy that he has friends and the independence to meet with them. 13 is old enough to be left alone in the house for several hours. I’d install a lock box and make sure he can access easy to cook food.

I'm guessing you don't have stepkids.

OP has already said that he doesn't/can't cook for himself. So she'd be responsible for him at the detriment to her own plans.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 16/07/2023 08:28

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 16/07/2023 08:24

Wow. I can’t believe what I’m reading. A 13 year old boy isn’t welcome in his Father’s home. Teenagers don’t typically pre-plan their days, they get an idea and go with it. It’s healthy that he has friends and the independence to meet with them. 13 is old enough to be left alone in the house for several hours. I’d install a lock box and make sure he can access easy to cook food.

His father is not there.

If the father was single, and away the house would be empty. Should he be allowed to stay there in those circumstances? Unlikely as op says he is a very young 13.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 16/07/2023 08:28

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 16/07/2023 08:28

His father is not there.

If the father was single, and away the house would be empty. Should he be allowed to stay there in those circumstances? Unlikely as op says he is a very young 13.

Show quote history

And op is away overnight

gogomoto · 16/07/2023 08:34

Unless you are staying out overnight, why can't he just stay home alone? I'd expect teens to have access to both houses but on the condition that they transport themselves and they make their own food if they turn up unexpectedly. A text to say they are coming would be a good courtesy though I'm very much of the "their home too" thinking. If his parents don't want him staying home alone they need to arrange childcare but at 13 most are sensible enough to stay home alone

IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 08:38

I hate all this ‘it’s his home too’ nonsense that gets wheeled out. He’s a child - he needs a supervising adult to be around, and doesn’t get to just decide where he is at any given time.

If he weren’t a stepchild, absolutely no one would be insisting that a 13 year old boy gets to be in charge of everything - and that the adults have to rearrange or adapt their plans because he’s decided to turn up.

I bet his mum isn’t up for him just wandering back to hers and interrupting her plans on her contact weekends. and she’s his parent.

gogomoto · 16/07/2023 08:39

I think the answer is using WhatsApp or similar so everyone gets the communication eg a group with dss, his mum, you, your dh and if applicable her dp. Everyone then can see where he is asking to be and you can state sorry I'm out until x time, or sorry I'm out overnight. Just be adults about it

Takeovermylife · 16/07/2023 08:40

Aww I feel for him. Why can't he pop round? He must love you and your company OP. He wants to be part of your life. Dont turn him away.

Soontobe60 · 16/07/2023 08:41

You sound like a delightful stepmother!

romdowa · 16/07/2023 08:42

Takeovermylife · 16/07/2023 08:40

Aww I feel for him. Why can't he pop round? He must love you and your company OP. He wants to be part of your life. Dont turn him away.

So she should cancel her plans because he decided to pop round unannounced? I don't think so

IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 08:43

Why do people expect teens to ‘have access to both houses’? Why would a teenager be in control over two houses in that way?

Thats not good for anyone involved.

JassyRadlett · 16/07/2023 08:44

gogomoto · 16/07/2023 08:34

Unless you are staying out overnight, why can't he just stay home alone? I'd expect teens to have access to both houses but on the condition that they transport themselves and they make their own food if they turn up unexpectedly. A text to say they are coming would be a good courtesy though I'm very much of the "their home too" thinking. If his parents don't want him staying home alone they need to arrange childcare but at 13 most are sensible enough to stay home alone

It says in the OP that she's staying out overnight, and she's confirmed that in subsequent posts.

Lizzt2007 · 16/07/2023 08:47

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 16/07/2023 08:24

Wow. I can’t believe what I’m reading. A 13 year old boy isn’t welcome in his Father’s home. Teenagers don’t typically pre-plan their days, they get an idea and go with it. It’s healthy that he has friends and the independence to meet with them. 13 is old enough to be left alone in the house for several hours. I’d install a lock box and make sure he can access easy to cook food.

Op had arranged childcare for her own child and was staying out overnight, not a few hours. You think it's ok for a 13 year old to be left alone overnight?

Canisaysomething · 16/07/2023 08:51

Poor kid. His parents clearly don't give a shit about him. Most parents want to know where their 13 year old is. Have DH and his ex always neglected their parenting duties?

NoSquirrels · 16/07/2023 08:54

It's crazy to me that just because his dad lives here he should just be able to turn up whenever he pleases and be looked after by whoever happens to be there when his dad is away.

The first part is not crazy - I think a teen should be welcome to call in at his dad’s house.

The second part is not crazy - if his dad’s not in then you aren’t the parent-substitute because you have plans.

So I agree with others that this is a DH thing really - he needs to proactively remind DS that he’s working away, and that you have plans. You say you think he might think DH is actually around, that doesn’t sound like there’s much regular communication with him, or at least that he’d like more of it. So your DH can sort this.

IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 08:56

Even if the OP weren’t staying out overnight, why should it be the 13 year old who decides things?

My 13 year old ‘has access to’ my house and his dad’s house. That means he can pop in and pick up stuff if he needs it. It doesn’t mean he gets to decide where he fancies eating or sleeping at any time. There’s a contact pattern that allows everyone to know what happening and plan their lives.

even basic stuff like planning what to eat and how much to make becomes difficult if a teenager may or may not suddenly materialise when he was supposed to be elsewhere.

In facf, despite the protestations about the ‘poor boy’ and ‘horrible SM’, what so many posters are suggesting is much more treating him like an occasional lodger rather than a loved family member. A contact pattern means that when he’s there people are going spend time with him, feed him and so on - and not just bugger off out leaving him to fend for himself.

Inertia · 16/07/2023 08:58

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 16/07/2023 08:24

Wow. I can’t believe what I’m reading. A 13 year old boy isn’t welcome in his Father’s home. Teenagers don’t typically pre-plan their days, they get an idea and go with it. It’s healthy that he has friends and the independence to meet with them. 13 is old enough to be left alone in the house for several hours. I’d install a lock box and make sure he can access easy to cook food.

So if his father lived alone with no partner, you think it’d be fine for a 13 yo to be home alone and cooking for themselves for several nights?

The child’s parents need to do some parenting. The OP isn’t a household childcare appliance, she’s a person with her own life.

noglow · 16/07/2023 09:02

Stop8 · 16/07/2023 06:59

Unless his parents are fine with him being left alone all night then he can't just come whenever he wants.

Show quote history

I'd have gone out. Seriously. I'd assume the parents were happy with the arrangement and walk out for my night out.