To say turning up when dad isn't here needs to stop

[Stop8]

My husband works away sometimes and plans this for time when his ex would have typically had DSC (13).

Except since he's gotten older he seems to be more regularly just turning up out of the blue whenever he feels like it and to be honest it's starting to piss me off. Not least of all because I'm always the last one to know what's going on.

For example last night, DH is away until Mon. My toddler is with my parents and I was discussing maybe going staying with a friend for the evening to have wine and a takeaway. And then about 5pm as I'm getting ready SS just walks in says he's been at his friend's house round the corner so he thought he'd come here, he'd tried to ring DH to tell him but he wasn't answering. When I said no sorry I'm going out like now so you'll have to go he then couldn't get hold of mum to come and get him either and I ended up having to do a detour to drop him off and just hope she was in (I don't have any contact with her usually) ending up out later than I wanted to be after faffing around.

No one seems arsed this is happening, not DH, not his ex. And I'm just expected to be fine at never knowing when a teenager might just walk through the door and want tea or want dropping off somewhere and screw my own plans. Even if I'd just wanted to lay around on the sofa ffs.

I want to say to DH now that's it, he's to tell SS he needs to sort lifts/collecting from friends houses etc.. with his mum on her days and not just turn up here when he knows his dad isn't here. Especially if he's not even going to tell me first to check I'm actually free.

We have a shared family calendar so everyone can see when some event is happening. That way everyone knows what is occurring in the house. Definitely suggest a shared calendar so your step son can see when his Dad is away and know that you may have plans so aren't expecting him.

If this weren’t the weird stepfamilies rabbit hole, people would be up in arms about ‘neglect’ and ‘chaos’ as young teens just moving between houses where the adults may or may not be in, feeding themselves and generally not being parented.

But it’s stepfamilies so a SM who thinks that they should have some basic structure and boundaries and be there when their parent is around is presented as terrible and people are feeling sorry for the poor child.

Sorry, all these answers defy any logic
if his dad wasn’t with OP, and lived on his own n his own house, the SS wouldn’t even be able to gain entry, let alone have his tea there and hang out

and the kid is just 13, and a young 13 at that. Would you say the father would be responsible to to give that kid a key to let him in and out of his own place when dad wasn’t in, cook his own tea, and stay overnight ? Nope, a lot of people would regard that as irresponsible or even neglect if happening a lot

just because the OP happens to be in the house, doesn’t make it different . His parent is not in. Therefore he cannot have access .

She is not the parent. Whilst step parents, if willing, may try to step into a parenting role they’re likely to face a lot of opposition from the parents if her form of discipline doesn’t align with me of parents, and I bet if something happened. “On her watch” they’d be a hell of a lot of criticism. Step parents “interfering” with parenting get a lot of flack here from mums. so, not unreasonably she, along with many step parents, don’t want to be forced into looking after a sc on their own without the authority of parenting. And I don’t blame them frankly. (Not a step parent or have kids that have a step parent)

At 12 and 14 my ds's decided they wanted to live with us full time. How would you handle that op?
My dh went and collected them. Not even a conversation about it.

Presumably her husband would have to change is job so that he can be there FT for his children then.

How would he like that?

I'm sure that would be fine as dad would have to sort his hours to suit. He can't just dump his kids on OP

It’s not control over 2 houses, his parents are separated and he has 2 homes. Fair enough in this instance OP was going out, but in terms of any other day why can’t he be there. OP when your toddler is a teenager best believe they will come home and want food at random times etc It’s nice he feels comfortable enough to just show up. Yes he should maybe text to let you guys know but you just have to keep reminding him. I used to go to my dads after school all the time, I’ve always had a key, even know my own Stepmum just tells me to let myself in if anyones out. I think if you say he can’t be there when his dads not there he is just going to feel so unwelcome and then just not come.

At 13 what would op be expected to do? Hardly bum wiping age is he? Whatever needs done to make our household run smoothly happens here... Whoever the dc 'belong' to. For the past 2 years dh has done the school runs for my ds. Shock horror! I don't thank him either! Terribly dw.

Presumably if the SS lived with them full time then when the Dad worked away and the OP wanted to have a night away then she would have organised childcare for both the SS and the toddler so that she didn’t need to cancel her night away at the last minute.

Consider op as a housemate as she has no parental control.

if you were the housemate of someone who’s child turned up when they were away you would make sure they were safe. You may even feed them. It shouldn’t be expected of you. You do this because you are a decent adult and they are a child. It is not your responsibility to look after them for the night just because you’re in the house that their father lives in when he’s home. If they turned up when you were going out for the night you would be entitled to feel miffed, especially if it wasn’t a one off thing. Because you’re a decent human who wants to make sure the child is okay but you also know it is not your job.

He can't cook.

And you should thank your DH frankly

You’re a true saint indeed.

Ugh *whose, dammit

Or look at it like this, when OP CHOSE to marry DH she knew he had a son, and you people are deluded if you think sometimes you wont have to look after your stepkids. Kids in general can sometimes not follow a schedule/routine and are little shits.This night she was right to take him home, she had plans, but he should absolutely be able to go to his dads home whenever he wants. Why do people on mumsnet hate stepkids so much?

Op, it sounds as if he DID let you know he was coming, you would still make your excuses. Tbh it sounds like you don’t like him at all from your tone and you resent the fact he wants to see his dad.

And why the hell shouldn't she get to say no if she has plans? He isn't coming to see his dad and she isn't stopping him from doing that. His dad isn't even there.

Or look at it like this, when OP CHOSE to marry DH she knew he had a son, and you people are deluded if you think sometimes you wont have to look after your stepkids.

Nope, there is absolutely zero obligation to look after your stepkids.

Umm no it doesn’t come across like this at all 🙄

"Why do people on mumsnet hate stepkids so much?"

I was actually wondering why some people on Mumsnet hate stepparents so much.

Then what a shitty stepmum/stepdad they would be. Life happens and sometimes stepparents have to help out because like it or not stepchildren are apart of the family. And why wouldn’t you not want to help your partner out? They are CHILDREN not rabid animals. Grandparents aren’t obliged to look after grandkids but often are the first port of call for baby sitting- or is this only okay if they are bio grankids? Like i said the disdain for Stepchildren on MN is horrible, and I’m very glad I never had step-parents like some of you guys. Would LOVE to see what happens if your Children/GC end up as stepkids and their steps spoke about them this way. I can imagine you’d be horrified for your perfect little darling babies. Blended families the horror!!!

So you’re saying he should be allowed to be at his dad’s house if there is no one there? At 13? How about overnight?

Or are you saying that op should just be there on demand even though she doesn’t get any other say in his parenting.
You can’t have it all ways.

Poor kid.

I agree his parents are letting him down - not OP.

However, I find it really sad that so often SC are seen as inconveniences within the new family structure. I get why a step-mother might feel this way, but it makes me very glad that my own DC (I'm separated) have never had to deal with a SP situation.

Did he pop in knowing you'd give him a lift home? It's the sort of thing my DD would've done at that age, anything to avoid walking!

Nope never said that he should be there overnight alone did I? But if one of them
are home why can’t he be there? If he has a stepdad is he not allowed at his mums when he isn’t there? He is is dads child therefore his dads home is also his? Not his fault his parents split up

So just explain that to him. 13 year olds are renowned for their forethought and selflessness so need explicit teaching of this.