To expect SS to walk to school?

[Avenue88]

My oldest SS (will be 14 in august) is here every other weekend and at least 1 night a week, sometimes more depending on what he’s doing with friends etc - all fine, very amicable between mum/dad.

DH works shifts and job is very inflexible. As I work from home I’ve been taking SS to school on the days he’s stayed here overnight.

A few times I’ve had an early meeting that I need to attend or need to go into the office so have told SS he would need to walk to school. We live in a largish town, the walk would be about 35 minutes all through residential streets and a park, no busy roads. SS has always refused to walk (even though all of his friends walk…), ends up sulking and goes back to his mums before bed so that he can have a lift. I’ve offered to drop him in very early before the meetings but he refuses that as well…

I’m due my first baby in early September. I’m likely going to need a c-section so won’t be driving for several weeks, besides dealing with a newborn.

Is it reasonable to expect a 14 year old (no SEN) to walk 35 minutes to school in a safe town?? He could meet friends along the way so wouldn’t be completely alone. Mentioned my concerns to DH and he seems to think I’ll be fine to start taking him again a few weeks after baby is here… I’m feeling really anxious about it. If it was my own son I would expect him to walk, I’ve only been driving him as he won’t stay here during the week otherwise and my DH would miss out on time with him, I also don’t want him to feel unwelcome or pushed out with the baby.

Why can't he walk? Is he just lazy?

Of course he can walk. If he doesn’t like it he can do what he usually does, and go back to mum’s where he will get a lift. He has choices.

Is it reasonable to expect a 14 year old (no SEN) to walk 35 minutes to school in a safe town??
Yes.

You say he is your oldest stepson. What age are the others and what arrangements are there for them to get to school?
Let me guess - you do that too?

Unless there’s some drip feed about disability or local axe murderers, of course you’re not being unreasonable.

I’d be offering him the choice of being dropped off an hour beforehand (so you can get to work on time) or being dropped back to his mum’s for bedtime. DH isn’t missing out on time if it’s sleep time one or both of them are asleep.

It is pretty normal for a teen to prefer their main home though, especially with a new baby around, so is it a big deal if he drops the midweek?

He’s fairly active outside of school, plays football and is out with his friends most weekends walking about town playing Pokémon go. He won’t give a reason other than “I don’t want to walk to school”

I think that's an ok walk yes.
But I guess if his mum's willing to give a lift then I can see why he goes back there to get one to be fair.
If the option's there you'd probably take it wouldn't you

Offer to walk with him. Walking alone/with friends will soon be more attractive

Can he cycle?

Take it there is no bus?

Mu kids have the same walk. They could get the bus but they all choose to walk.

I wouldn’t be giving him any lifts at all.

You’re not unreasonable but neither is your SS for choosing to go back to his mums. At that age, when choices are put in front of him, he can choose.

You are not being unreasonable. My DD walks to and from school and it takes at least 35 minutes. Well usually longer as she walks with friends! She has been doing this since she stared at secondary school.

Actually rereading your post op - if his friends walk is there possibly some bullying going on that he wants to avoid?

Normal expectation from year 7 onwards. He needs it made very clear that no lifts forthcoming.

Younger SS is still in primary and walks with his friend, but it’s only a 5 minute walk as opposed to 35. He won’t be starting high school until next September

Unbelievable. Most kids round here start travelling independently in year 6. I hope there’s not an unrevealed fear of bullies or being mugged etc. Just being lazy seems odd for a 14 year old.

Good grief, he’s 14. Of course he should be walking to school. By the time you’ve got ready, got him (and new baby) in the car, driven him there, and driven home, that’s at least 35 minutes for you - so why is it ok for you to spend 35 minutes making the effort but not the SS?

YANBU, and I would lay your cards on the table now and say you will not be taking him at all when the baby is born. Better they all get used to that fact.

I think that’s all it is, he would just prefer to be driven and has the option available. His mum already takes her partner’s DD who isn’t able to walk to school, so will be making the journey whether my SS is there or not.

In that case it’s no big deal? Is anyone saying you’re being unreasonable, or is there an issue with maintenance?

Just get your husband to drop him back after dinner on those nights. I wouldn’t be driving personally.

Your DH expecting you to do this and continuing to do it after the baby is here is ridiculous. Put your foot down now, this is not your problem to solve.

Imo his actual parents can take responsibility for his laziness. If his df takes him back to dm's at night dm can take him next morning.. Take you out of the scenario altogether op...

Would he cycle? Much quicker.

Her husband is telling her to carry on driving SS when she’s got a newborn and is recovering from surgery. As she explains.

YANBU