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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

To expect SS to walk to school?

86 replies

Avenue88 · 12/07/2023 10:47

My oldest SS (will be 14 in august) is here every other weekend and at least 1 night a week, sometimes more depending on what he’s doing with friends etc - all fine, very amicable between mum/dad.

DH works shifts and job is very inflexible. As I work from home I’ve been taking SS to school on the days he’s stayed here overnight.

A few times I’ve had an early meeting that I need to attend or need to go into the office so have told SS he would need to walk to school. We live in a largish town, the walk would be about 35 minutes all through residential streets and a park, no busy roads. SS has always refused to walk (even though all of his friends walk…), ends up sulking and goes back to his mums before bed so that he can have a lift. I’ve offered to drop him in very early before the meetings but he refuses that as well…

I’m due my first baby in early September. I’m likely going to need a c-section so won’t be driving for several weeks, besides dealing with a newborn.

Is it reasonable to expect a 14 year old (no SEN) to walk 35 minutes to school in a safe town?? He could meet friends along the way so wouldn’t be completely alone. Mentioned my concerns to DH and he seems to think I’ll be fine to start taking him again a few weeks after baby is here… I’m feeling really anxious about it. If it was my own son I would expect him to walk, I’ve only been driving him as he won’t stay here during the week otherwise and my DH would miss out on time with him, I also don’t want him to feel unwelcome or pushed out with the baby.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Prelapsarianhag · 13/07/2023 11:19

Drop the guilt. This is for his actual parents to deal with. You will have a newborn to take care. Your DH is a CF. Just say NO.

orangeleavesinautumn · 13/07/2023 11:21

what reason does he give for not wanting to walk? Is it the real reason, do you think?

MeridianB · 13/07/2023 13:56

sadladybird · 12/07/2023 11:51

No you're not unreasonable at all, it sounds almost like an ultimatum - a lift to school or he won't stay over. It's not fair to put that on you at all.

I think maybe chat to your DH and say you won't be doing it from now on, SS can walk and if DH won't accept this then he needs to sort out arrangements himself as it's not your responsibility.

This. I would just tell DH no more lifts and let him sort it out. YADNBU! Agree his ex needs to stop driving him, too. And the GPs!

To be honest 14 is about the age when they often want to drop midweek overnights as it can be disruptive with school logistics and homework. Could DH add on a Friday night stay instead?

LemonLimeDivine · 13/07/2023 15:28

You’re not being unreasonable. Just say no.
Enjoy your maternity leave with your baby.
Let your DH figure out his own childcare and logistics.

Peony654 · 13/07/2023 15:31

I can't believe you'd ever drive him that. No wonder there's an obesity and climate crisis...

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2023 17:35

It will be good for him to walk!

My only questions are

Is he socially intimidated eg of bullies? We don't see the scary teens that they see on route.

Does he have a really heavy bag of books.

Perhaps DH could get him a bike. But honestly it's your SS not your DS why is this your problem

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2023 17:37

You also won't want to be driving him with the baby, getting baby in and out of car seat is a hassle, even after you have recovered from c sec. They have plenty of warning- you are no longer a taxi driver from sept onwards

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2023 17:37

Avenue88 · 12/07/2023 14:27

Thank you for everyone’s opinions. I’ve suggested he take his bike or get the bus but doesn’t want to do that either. If his mum can’t drive him to school for any reason he gets a lift from his grandparents.

By sulking I mean if I can’t take him to school on a Wednesday morning, he’ll go back to mum on Tuesday evening and won’t come for dinner on Wednesday evening as planned (even if not planning to sleep over Wednesday night). Which then makes me feel guilty…

DH hasn’t really forced the issue, just said he assumed things would continue after c-section recovery. I’m just thinking long term, I don’t know how the baby will be travelling (my nephew used to cry until he was sick in the car) so I don’t fancy dealing with that several times a week, when a perfectly able bodied 14 year old can get themself to school.

Mum has also complained in the past that she can’t plan anything for her midweek “night off” as he might want to come back for a lift.

But why should you feel guilty if he goes to mum? That's between him and his parents to sort out

Beachhutnut · 13/07/2023 17:55

My DD is 11 and already walks 15 minutes home from primary school. In September she will be walking 30 minutes to secondary school and the same back. Of course he should walk.

YSoSirius · 13/07/2023 18:59

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2023 17:37

But why should you feel guilty if he goes to mum? That's between him and his parents to sort out

Show quote history

Exactly. Guess if his dad doesn't want him going back to mums he'll need to find out a way to take him to school himself. If SS said to me he'd go back to mums if I didn't drive him to school I'd say 'okay'.

Louoby · 13/07/2023 19:00

Absolutely he can. I would tell him from September he will need to walk on the days he is with you due to work commitments and newborn arrival. Either that, or your DH takes him. He's absolutely old enough to be walking that distance on reasonable residential roads. He's being lazy!

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